Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I have lived most of my life pitifully to say the least. Each time I tried to bring myself out of my mess I always seemed to fall back into it even deeper. I struggled for so many years with shame, guilt, and unforgiveness with myself. In recent years, I have overcome those struggles, however decided to hold on to the consequences of my life choices. THAT is what I have been dealing with these past few years - the consequences. I totally agree and believe that we all should deal with the aftermath of our choices and some of those consequences will be lifelong. That is what I have been accepting. I knew God forgave me, loved me, and even had a plan for me. I believed I would be able to move forward from my past but maybe not so much with my future. It would at least be better than the past 15-20 years right? I was content with it.
During my 12 week process of getting ready for Discovery, God kept telling me "Be still. Be quiet. Just listen for Me. You come to me with your words, your cries, and your prayers but you then don't listen for My response." Psalm 46:10 had been laid on my heart. So I did....or at least tried. Again -if you know me then you know this was a task for me to just sit back, relax, and be patient! Being still allowed me to focus on Him more than I ever had before and took me to places I never knew existed with Him. Satan pounded on me for it. That month after Discovery reminded me of what I didn't want to go back to in that I was allowing satan to control my mind and my heart with lies, deception, and unworthiness. I kept thinking about the words of Paul in Romans 7:15...I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. I was so frustrated and angry that I was going back to that place but I must admit that I fought it harder than I had ever done so before in my life. I didn't fight it perfectly, in fact I did miserably, but I did fight it. This time I chose to go to war not alone and finally confided in a couple of my girlfriends who prayed for me. We were all fighting it together and God heard our cries.
I was standing there facing the road that I had been down so many times and God turned me around before I fell into the ruts along that road. But this time has been different. Not only has He led me out, He has chosen to bless me beyond measure as my cup continues to overflow. God has told me that I don't have to be content with a mediocre life. He has more for me than forgiveness and grace - which by the way is WAY more than I even deserve and it's not like that isn't enough already! No, He has decided to provide for my boys and I in ways I never imagined. He continues to fill my life with the most godly individuals on this side. To actually be able to say that is beyond measure and blessing. God has provided a new home and life for the boys and I that honestly should NOT be happening at this moment. Everything on paper says no but God says yes! If God is for us, who shall be against us?? - Romans 8:31. I, in so many ways, needed to constantly be reminded of that because throughout this whole process that I call the past 5 months, I knew God was doing something. I knew it. It scared me but I knew it. I knew this house and the move was exactly where God wanted us. Yet I still doubted the means by which it would happen. I was afraid I was having too much faith and that it would backfire on me. Again for the 3rd time, if you know me well, you know that I prepare for the worst. I prepare for failure. I prepare to not be surprised or caught off guard. That way I wouldn't be disappointed. Ironically, I was all the while preparing for disappointment.
God has revealed to me that He loves me and has a plan for me and my children. I certainly don't believe that earthly blessings are a sign of righteousness or faith so I don't want to come across as praising God for my friends and my new home as proof of that. I believe God wanted me to see firsthand and for the first time in my life, that He will give so much more than I give Him and He will do it when it seems impossible or out of timing. This is the Gospel! This is God pursing me! He has reminded me that I don't call my life, He does. I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 that is taped on the front of my computer.."For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Friends, homes, and finances seem to be belittled these days in the recognition that it all comes from Him. We take these things for granted and look at them as if they are something we have gained ourselves. But when God places these people and things in our life when it doesn't make sense to have them placed there based on timing or whatever other circumstance, it is even more proof of His sovereignty and majesty.
As I started my day this morning, I spent it in tears. I was so overwhelmed with everything God was doing and where He had brought me today. I cried in joy and awe at who He is. As I sat in my car at work this morning I thought, "How am I suppose to walk inside like this?" My "repeat song of the day" has been In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes. Mandi must be one of the most talented and beautiful song writers and singers that I have ever heard. She attends my church and I am blessed to hear her music. The lyrics are about wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything around us seems dark and sorrowful. Although, I have looked at this song today as wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything is alive and joyful. I sound like a broken record but God has blessed me beyond measure and with that has come an intimacy with Him. He allows my cup to runeth over but even still I choose to long to be in His arms. Nothing on this earth compares to His presence. While I am over-joyed at what God is doing in my life it doesn't compare to seeing His face on that day and seeing His arms held out for me!
Video to In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes
