How many of us leave church upbeat, motivated, and ready to rule the world!? We've been fed the spiritual milk we needed as our week came to an end and a new one is to begin. Why then does it seem sometimes that within 24 hours we have already become frustrated, tired, defeated? I guess my initial thought to that question would lead me in a different direction than I'm wanting to go here so I'm going to steer clear and ask another question instead :) What if you were trying to do it all by yourself? For the moment, I don't mean by yourself without the Lord, I mean by yourself with no spouse, no help within your home. I HATE the phrase "single mom" and rarely say it but what if that is the case whether it be from divorce, death, or just never being married. Point is, you are there to take care of your household, your children, your schedule, your everything...ALONE.
This is a constant struggle for me. Ongoing! It isn't some head and shoulders flow chart where I'm having great weeks feeling like superwoman and then having horrible weeks feeling like the Loser Mom. I constantly struggle. But what is it with that I struggle? Getting done what needs to get done? Not really. Having to be the spiritual leader in my home? Yes.
Before I dive into this I want to make clear that I am NOT condoning divorce or some twisted feminist agenda on raising children alone because "who needs a man". So don't even go there. What I am touching on is where I am now in my life - mistakes included - and that is being divorced/single. This is to be an encouragement on moving forward from where I am, or you are, not justifying future divorce, etc.
By design, obviously the man is to be the spiritual leader in the home but in regards to this post, that's a moot point right now. So I am where I am. Divorced. Picking up the slack from my consequences of raising my children in my home with no spouse is possible. Not ideal but possible. I can find gazillions of verses showing me how to lead my children and point them to the Lord. I guess what I've been dragging my feet on saying here is more about the practical day to day duties if you will. What about when I'm tired? What about if I don't feel like going to church that Sunday morning or Wednesday night? What if I don't want to volunteer that weekend? What if I just want to sleep in? What if I don't want to read scripture or pray before bed that night? What if I get in a funk, which I often do, and skip out on church or getting in the Word or whatever else for weeks at a time? What then? Who leads my children then? Who is there to pick up the slack? Who is there to tag team with me? Who is there to encourage me? Who is there to partner up and take turns or share in the responsibility? No one. That is a lot of pressure for a single mom. As I'm typing this I'm realizing this is probably the case in many marriages too but I won't go there for the time being. Getting back on track....THAT is where I struggle. Knowing that if I don't step up, no one will. I'm not talking about persons outside my home that are great influences for my children - I definitely have many of those. While I have my church family and those family members and friends who are great role models for my children, it begins in the home. My home. "It begins in the home" has seemed to become such a cliche like it's just something to say. So much of the blame these days is pointed to others yet so many of us want others to raise our children. I mean which way do you want it people? The bottom line, however, is that our children are our responsibilities. It is our parental duty to be an example in how we choose for our children to be as toddlers, children, teenagers, and adults. The end result in their lives is ultimately their choice but our end result is how we led them.
So how do I stay encouraged to be a Godly role model for my children when I am partly to blame for being in this "single mom" state? For me, it's two-fold - taking responsibility and accepting grace. I can't change the past. I am where I am and I need to accept it and take responsibility for how I got here. Good news is I did that a while back. My struggle is the accepting grace part. How do I, with good and pure intentions, "train up a child in the way he should go" knowing what my responsibilities are and getting over my pity parties yet accept grace all the times I fail? How do I balance the responsibility of being a Godly example to my children by stepping up to the plate and allowing myself to accept grace as a gift rather than a pass for screwing up? I keep trying as a mom and as a Christ follower. In order to do that, I must seek the Lord first. He has to be my priority before my schedule, my bills, my relationships, and yes my children. No one said parenting was going to be easy or a joy ride. In fact, its early beginnings are introduced with morning sickness, fatigue, and labor pains. Helloooooooo??!!
I periodically get in phases when I HATE being in charge. I HATE being the spiritual leader in my home. I HATE having to make ALL of the decisions. I HATE having to decide what or what not to do. I HATE not being able to say, "I can't handle this right now, you do it." By that point in all instances, I'm over it. I've already border-lined melted down and tears are flowing while venting to God, my friends, boyfriend, or whoever got the shorter stick in the draw ;) But, I am then able to wipe the tears from my eyes and the dust from knees and get up. How often I forget but learn from those moments the importance of having Godly people in my life. Expressing my feelings and frustrations to trusted individuals is the hand that I need in getting up. Even as encouraging as all that is, what I probably HATE the most though is when I don't know what to do or what direction to go. It falls on me. My decision alone and that's scary. Those trusted individuals can give all the Godly counsel they want but it's up to me. It's then that I'm reminded head on my need and dependance on Him.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up - Galatians 6:9
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer - Romans 12:12
I went in search of some of the most faithful and impactful mothers in the Bible. How did those women fare in despair or trials or doubts? How did they make a difference for the Kingdom?
- Hannah - A barren woman who longed for a child. As society would have it, she was not favored, looked down upon even. That had to be hard. To be viewed from the world as worthless yet still clinging to the Lord for self worth and answered prayers . Hannah was persistent in her cries to God. She never stopped asking. Hannah saw the big picture. It wasn't just about her. It was about honoring God and through her actions and her son she would. God heard her and gave her a son, Samuel. Hannah knew that baby belonged to God and made the choice to return him in order that he may grow to be a Godly man. Samuel became one of the most influential persons in the Bible. Hannah reminds me of the importance of praying for our children and ultimately taking a back seat to God in their lives. Can you be any more selfless as a mom? Wow. While we are given the responsibility to train them up, it's God's authority that should reign in their life.
- Mary - We think this goes without saying but on the contrary. Yes, there is the obvious in that she bore the Savior, the sinless and perfect. But what about her as a person. She wasn't anyone important. She had no influence within society. She was as plain Jane as they come. She wasn't loud or over-bearing. She wasn't full of strife or resentment. She was faithful, trusting. She was submissive. She accepted the cards dealt to her. She didn't fold. She believed. She believed God and in God. Those are two very different things. She held tight to God's sovereignty and His will. Not that any great detail is given but I can imagine Mary had her moments in frustration and despair having gone through some of the most heart-wrenching moments in her life. Can you imagine what happened to Jesus happening to your child yet trusting in God's will to allow it? A world was changed for it.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it - Hebrews 12:11
Regardless of whether or not there is a male figure in my house isn't excuse for my children to not have a spiritual leader in our home. My moment-by-moment living should reflect submission, respect, and honor toward Him. Yes, it's harder work taking care of the day to day things alone but aren't the fruits of your labor worth it? That has to be what keeps me going at times. What gives me hope.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it - Proverbs 22:6
I came across these quotes and they each spoke to me differently but all for the same good:
I cannot tell you how much I owe to the solemn word of my good mother. - Charles Spurgeon
I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. - Abraham Lincoln
God is looking for imperfect men and women who have learned to walk in moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit. Christians who have come to terms with their inadequacies, fears, and failures. Believers who have become discontent with ‘surviving’ and have taken the time to investigate everything God has to offer in this life. - Charles Stanley
What women rightly long for is spiritual and moral initiative from a man, not spiritual and moral domination. - John Piper
