A few weeks ago I attended another Discovery Weekend. However, this last time I was on the team rather than a participant. So what does that mean? In a nutshell, 12 weeks of preparation, prayer, intimate reliance on God, and getting down to the pits of digging up my past and writing them on paper in order to share them to over 50 women to reveal how God has worked in my life and redeemed me as His beloved. My story on paper ended up much the same way as the pages of the bible end. Redemptive love. Satan seeks to destroy us. Satan seeks to have us live a life apart from God. That is what satan lives for. That is what satan had me living for - a life of shame, guilt, misery, and separation from God.
The pages of my story ended in a transformation. I am no longer a slave to sin (John 8:34). The last pages or book of the bible is not about trying to figure out the timetable on when our existence will end or what day Jesus will return. It is to remind us that the fight has already been won. Jesus has overcome evil and death and He will return for us. That is a promise. Satan has no control or victory over that. The book of Revelation reminds us of Jesus' victory and His love for us. He is the Redeemer. If He promises to save all those who trust in Him when this world will no longer be, why wouldn't He save me right now? Or you? God chose to redeem my past. He not only chose to redeem it but He chose to use it for His glory!
I also always felt like spiritual warfare was present in my life during the times leading up to events. I was warned, and rightly so, that spiritual warfare may become more powerful in those 12 weeks leading up to the weekend. I never felt overwhelmed, in that regard, the entire 12 weeks. I even wondered about it sometimes because it concerned me that I didn't feel the warfare attacking me therefore making me question God's plan for having me be apart of this team. Well, let me tell you...satan decided to defer his attacks on me until after the weekend and he wasted no time in doing so.
Since the weekend, the adversary has passionately pursed my mind with thoughts of doubt and regret. Satan's questions and statements would go something like this:
How could you possibly get up in front of 50 vulnerable women and tell them your junk and sin for nearly 2 decades and then pass it off as no big deal if you just ask God to forgive you?? How belittling is that to your so-called gospel? How could you make light of your consistent sin? That's not redeemable. You're telling all of these women to just forget their rebellion against God and move on with a blanket "I'm sorry"? Don't you remember what Matthew 7:21-23 says - “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ You aren't prophesying in God's name. You are blaspheming his name!
Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44). He will continue to seek out to destroy the work of God. If God is using you, then you have a bullseye on your back and satan is thrashing arrows at you from every direction. I have struggled these past few weeks in questioning God's use for me on that weekend. I have been overcome with confusion and I have felt betrayed and defeated most days. God's work in me is not done. He has just started and He will finish. While I know the devil will seek out my destruction daily, I am thankful and beyond gracious that God seeks me out more. I am thankful that God continues to remind me of that in the midst of my wrestling with satan. I am thankful for the people in my life that pray for me and remind me of God's plan for me. There is nothing I can do but seek out God's will for my life. All I can do is pray daily for God to show me what His plan is for me that very day. I can live my life for God that day. I will have bad days and some days I will fail more miserably than others. I will even turn my back on God. Yes, I said it. I'm a Christian and I turn my back on God. It's reality. Christian aren't perfect and we are still sinners on a daily basis. We rebel every day. Doesn't matter what our denomination is or faith is for that matter. WE ALL SIN. What makes me different is not that I am better than everyone else and live a righteous life of good deeds because I don't. I accepted a Savior that died for me and turned my life over for Him. My desire is to glorify God, not myself or this world.
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