I want to start off this post with this 4 minute video on Grace. Please watch before reading any further.
Ok, so I have a feeling this is going to be a long and random post since I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind and my heart that it will be hard to keep it composed. But hey, that's my style anyway right?? ...random and un-composed and raw.
So obvious to me, my heart has been elsewhere this past week. I was burdened with the men's Discovery Weekend these past several days. Firstly because my boyfriend, (yes I said it..boyfriend..I know crazy! And I know who you all are who are thinking it because I vowed to you that never again would I but I digress..haha) was a participant. But as the weekend approached and Thursday came along, it brought back so many feelings and memories. I found myself re-living the days down to the hour because I remember being there, prepping, praying, and trusting God that He would have me be the tool He saw fit. Throughout the weekend, I had mixed emotions from the time on my women's weekends from being a participant to a team member to knowing exactly what my boyfriend was experiencing. I must admit it was nice but different being on the other side this time. I love that weekend no matter where it falls throughout the year. I love that ministry and I love the people who support it and make it was it is. I love that I get to continue to experience the hearts of Marty and Holly Erwin and see their unexplainable and indescribable love for men and women and most importantly for glorifying the Lord down to the tee. It is a blessing and gift from God that He somewhere along the way placed me in the path of that couple and their ministry.
As I was talking to my boyfriend about his weekend, I asked him if he kept his coffee mug that says 36 Hours. As he answered he told me that as he was staring at the mug during his weekend, it was then that he realized the correlation between that and the title of my blog. I intentionally named this blog The 37th Hour on the heels of my first Discovery Weekend. My intent was to remind and ask myself "What's next", "What's the next chapter", "What are you going to do now", "Will your next steps be for yourself or for the glory of God"? I still have to ask myself those questions constantly.
So why do I still struggle with things that I believe God ordains for me? It use to be shame, guilt, unworthiness, and so on. But I really feel like those aren't the reasons anymore and haven't been for some time. It's my lack of acceptance of His grace that I struggle with more than I even realize. Grace from God I can not comprehend. As I watched the above video, I began crying when I realized what Jesus' character was repeatedly asking Peter's character. I have never looked at Mark 16:7 that way...
But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'
By the authority under God, the angel told Mary to go tell the disciples and Peter the news. Peter was set aside. Why? Because of anything righteous that he had done before and because he loved Jesus more than the others? Because he was more equipped than the others? As I recall, Peter denied Jesus 3 times basically hours before this angel told the women to find the disciples and Peter. Doesn't sound very righteous or more loving to me. More equipped? Wasn't Peter pretty much a hot head and spoke often without thinking? He set aside Peter out of grace. Simple as that. Grace. There is no other reason and no other reason quite frankly makes sense. To side note here, many were used by God who didn't seem to fit the job. For example, I have this reminder as my screen saver..
As noted in the image, God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the CALLED! There is a reason I have had this as my screen saver in order to see it every day. God called out Peter by His grace and because He saw fit to do so and would qualify who He chose to use as His tool. Peter didn't deserve to be set aside and favored and called out by name. But he was. And so am I. God has chosen to call me by name aloud. He has chosen to use Lisa. He will continue to use me, Lisa, as long as He desires. Does that mean I am deserving? Haha! I laugh aloud. No! I am in a lot of ways like Peter. I've been known to have a hot head, temper, and quite often say exactly how I feel to who I want in any way that I want. I'm not so much that person anymore but I do struggle with those personality traits at times. Just because God chooses to use us doesn't mean we finally have it figured out or have become righteous or perfect in our ways. It's His grace. Another side note....as I was writing to my boyfriend earlier this morning about some of my struggles I've been having, I was listening to a Jim Brickman song and went to change it and realized it was a song from his album title Grace. Just sayin'... :) Then God leads me to two videos, one on Baggage and one on Grace. Again, just sayin'... :)
So what does The 37th Hour mean for me? To live according to God's calling upon my life. To embrace that God calls me by name. To continue to see and accept the vision God gave me 4 months ago when I, for the first time, saw myself dancing with Him to the song Beautiful You when I left Marty and Holly Erwin's house.
I have to rest assured that I can do nothing to gain God's grace or favor. I know this and yet I still listen to the enemy and wonder if I still try so hard sometimes without even realizing it. Or maybe, just for once, I can admit and accept that I actually do want to live my life pleasing God and seeking His will. Maybe I do get on fire for the Lord and enjoy serving Him and glow when I'm in the midst of His work. Maybe I long to be used by Him not because I need to feel His acceptance but because I want what He wants and desire what He desires. And that's ok and that's good. Even when I am weak!
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power works best in weakness". Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
God laid this song on my heart last week and I have not stopped listening to it...
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