I realize how selfish I am. How self-centered. How infinitely finite I am! How big and important I am not. James says it perfectly in that our life is a mist that appears for a bit then vanishes away. Funny that we find confidence in and boast about someone living a nice long life should they make it to let's say... 70 or longer. Not really grasping eternity, before my time and what should come after me, I still try to comprehend God's reasoning in my life. I try to understand it and make sense of it. It needs to be rationalized for me to be okay with it. I need to be let in on the plan and not only my plan but the plans of those I love.
I can feel just as strongly that God isn't with me and allowing my heart to grow cold and hard as at other times feel within my deepest, most inner parts His Word is true and real. Honestly it can be quite frustrating. I get so wrapped up and distracted that I feed off what makes me feel content in the moment...tv, internet, food, griping, self pity parties. Other days I know He conquers giants, calls out kings, shuts the mouths of lions, and tells the dead to breathe. Unfortunately, like the rest of those lyrics go, so often I feel I am where He cannot reach. However, I was reminded this past Sunday, that isn't the case.
I had been feeling for some time now that a change in my home church was on the horizon. We have been visiting another local church but wasn't able to attend that particular church this past weekend and I didn't feel led to attend my home church so we worshiped at home. I let each of my boys pick a song then I would choose mine. I wasn't too excited about the first choice from my oldest son but went with it anyway. After all, it isn't all about me right? Much to my surprise, the first song began speaking to me and opening my heart. After the boys songs played I felt led to pray before playing mine. I normally ask the boys if they would like to pray; however, this time I didn't. As I prayed aloud, I became overwhelmed and emotional, thanking the Lord for meeting me, us, in that place; our home. I was halted in my words with knowing His presence was there. To look at the picture above and then try to comprehend His spirit in my living room is unfathomable. I don't understand it. After praying, the boys immediately asked me, "Are you crying?", to which I replied, "Yes, boys, I am."
I often find myself questioning God. It doesn't have to be anything intricate. It's the simple things. Can He hear me? See me? Speak to me? Forgive me? Provide for me? Heal me? Those are the questions I want to never doubt. But I do. Why? I believe God is revealing to me that it's because I continue to allow myself to be distracted. I am consistently bewildered in every aspect. May I confess something? I took a few hours break from working on this post and had to go back and look at my notes to even see why I started it in the first place! So.Easily.Distracted. My mind is constantly going and it's hard for me to focus on anything beyond a fairly short timeline. I get so frustrated with myself in this area because of the guilt and doubt it gives me. I tell myself that if I were more committed to the Lord this kind of thing wouldn't happen. I am told through the Bible that the spirits of fear and doubt don't come from God but I still allow it to creep in to my mind and soul.
Two pieces of scripture that seem to always run rampant in my head are Matthew 7:21-23 and James 1:6-8.
Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
James 1:6-8 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
I tend to sort of piggy back on each of those. I think for this season in my life I am more compelled to lean toward James. I lie in the bed at night sometimes and just think how I don't want to be like a wave that is tossed and thrown about. I don't want my prayers to be hindered or out of the will of God. I don't want to pray fervently and wholeheartedly yet receive nothing because my doubt smothers it to death. There are many times where I am begging or on my knees in prayer and I know without a doubt those cries and pleas are being heard but if I doubt that God will answer them according to His will, what good does it do? This always takes me to Mark 9 where we read about Jesus healing the boy with the unclean spirit...
When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him. “What are you arguing with them about?” he asked. A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.” “You unbelieving generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.” So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?” “From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” "If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer.
Not only do we see the power of prayer in the above passage but we see the power of faith. Mark 9 always impacts me no matter how many times I read it because it addresses the areas in my life that seem to contradict each other often - prayer and faith. I will pray for anything and everything but my controlling and insecure heart rears its ugly head and out from it comes the doubt that resides within and causes my lack of faith. It becomes emotionally and spiritually exhausting.
It seems that most of our distractions should be the obvious much like the ones I mentioned and more. It's the visible concrete evidence that we can point to. It's those immediate and temporary feel good measures. While those things can be weary on the body and/or mind those aren't truly the things that drag me down. It's my own mind. My own thoughts. My own pride. My own worry. My own doubt. Those are my distractions. If my mind thinks and my heart beats to the same drum as the Lord, those other things shouldn't be chains that hold me down. They are just scapegoats for when I am walking down a different path as the Lord but when I am hand in hand with my Father, He is the scapegoat. He is the One to whom I point my finger. He is the One who takes my thoughts captive. For that I am beyond overwhelmed, even more so than the picture above.
The bible speaks of having the faith of mustard seed but I had the willingness of that mustard seed Sunday morning sitting in my living room. That tiny seed brought tears streaming down my face. That tiny seed was placed at the feet of Christ and He cultivated it as He saw fit. He reminded me that He loves me and doesn't leave me. He reminded me that while I struggle with doubt and distractions, He is above all of that and it only takes that mustard seed to lay at His feet.
Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
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