Tis The Season To Be Jolly...Oh And A Little Bit Of Annoyance

Isaiah 9:6 

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Luke 2:9-12

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.

I was, and still am, saddened by something I read this morning by a friend of mine.  This person mentioned hating this time of year because of the rain, cold, and having no money to spend on Christmas.  My initial reaction was a somber "Wow".  I immediately went into my thought process of wondering how someone, anyone, could feel that way about Christmastime.  Then I was quickly reminded by God that it wasn't very long ago that I felt that exact same way.  So...it made me think....

My flesh constantly looks at our society as a whole, myself included in that society, and gets frustrated at how we have let ourselves get to the point of being so selfish, self-indulgent, entitled, and continue to walk away from the only good thing that we have EVER been given.  Christ. I can feel myself wanting to go in a million different directions with that statement but I'll try to keep this on point which is what should be the obvious and blatant point of this time of year.  Our society has turned Christmas into a hectic, over the top, debt filled excuse to praise our God that we don't even serve or honor!  Or dare I say believe in!  Are we such an arrogant people that we so enjoy the benefits of oh let's see....having time off work, getting presents, being bound and determined to make sure those "sweet and fun" little make believe elves come into our homes to only destroy things, and let's not forget the most important benefit....Santa Claus.  We even justify Santa Claus by trying to somehow weave the story of St. Nick in there somewhere that, let's be honest, we just googled ourselves to find out the story.  It's all just ridiculous.  Point. Blank. Ridiculous.

I don't mean to sound judgmental because that is not my intent.  I do mean, however, to sound saddened, bothered, and a bit disgusted by the whole deal.  And I was right along in there with all of that just a few short years ago so I certainly have no place to judge anyone.  It is just craziness to make ourselves worn out and misguided by succumbing to the new worldly views and acceptances of Christmas.  This should be a time of year where we look forward to celebrating the birth of a baby boy.  A baby named Immanuel.  A time of year where we look forward to spending extra time with our family.  A time of year where we give gifts because we want to celebrate the birth of Christ, not because we feel obligated.  A perfect time of year where we have the opportunity to show our children and remind ourselves what really matters in our lifetime.  And we so often even joke about how we spend so much money on our children for Christmas only to have it broken within 2 weeks or how the newness has worn off and the things we bought just sit collecting dust only to eventually be put in a garbage bag or brown box to be given to Hannah Home, Kings Ranch, or some other kind of charity because those things are no longer useful to us or they clutter our homes. Yet we do the same thing year after year after year and joke about it again year after year after year.  We drown ourselves in debt and materialism only to turn around and throw them away or give them to "someone less fortunate".  How backwards is that??!!  Does it not occur to us to spend some of that overindulgence on those less fortunate before it became useless to us.  Are we so far removed from the needy that we think they only deserve our hand me downs or what we don't want anymore?  Ok...pause.  I'm getting off track and heading towards a different soap box....

I'm sorry but Christmas is not about anything else except a baby named Jesus.  Had that baby not been born then all of this other sacrificial junk may actually make some sense.  But He was born.  And He was born for a reason.  

Galatians 4:4-5 But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.

Most people know the verse John 3:16 which says For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  However, most don't know the next verse John 3:17 which says For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through him.

Did you get that?  ....but to save the world through him.  To save the world.  Jesus wasn't born to bring peace - as He even said himself in Matthew 10:34 Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  He wasn't born to be used as a legalistic practice.  He wasn't born to make us feel better about ourselves.  He was born as a scapegoat! And we seriously show our love and adoration for that scapegoat by dipping and drenching his birth in greed and Santa ClausISM???  Then get this....we actually justify that way of thinking because we say "They're just kids.  It's ok.  They'll out grow Santa Claus.  It's fun for now."  We put so much force and effort into something and/or someone that doesn't even exist because it's fun yet we can't seem to put any push or drive behind the someone or something - like the birth - that totally exists!

How many of us even mention Jesus during Christmas?  Is that even an occurrence?  How many of us only mention Him on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning after we've opened our presents and had our time. How many of us only mention Him when we go to that "special service" at church on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning because that's just what you do at Christmas?  If He is mentioned only in those scenarios, it is hardly recognizing the Son Of God in the honor He deserves.  It is mentioning about a man that once lived a long time ago named Jesus.

I pray that we become a people who know and love Jesus.  I pray that we don't become so self absorbed in the rainy cold weather and how our pockets and perceptions are going to be affected by spending money that we do or don't have.  I pray we don't hate Christmas or see it as an inconvenient time.  I sit here and try to look at this from a mother's point of view.  How would I feel if when either of my two sons were born and came into this world that everyone around me disregarded them?  Made light of them.  Didn't see them as the gift that I saw them.  Or quite frankly really didn't care on any level about them.  Hurt is the word that comes to mind.  That's not to mention looking at that in an unfathomable way to where one of my two boys were brought here to this earth for the purpose to be sacrificed for those exact people who disregard them. Hurt. Certainly not that God needs our understanding, love, or attention but I can't imagine how He feels.

I in no way want to demean anyone's intention on how he or she celebrates but when everything else surrounding Christmas is put on the front eyes and He is left to sit on the back burner it is disturbing to me. It is disheartening to see what Christmas has become.  It is even more disheartening to think about the fact that unless some radical changes are made within our hearts and our homes that it will only continue to lead farther away from it's intent.  Jesus.  A sticky, messy Jesus.

Does God Call You By Name?

I want to start off this post with this 4 minute video on Grace.  Please watch before reading any further.

Ok, so I have a feeling this is going to be a long and random post since I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind and my heart that it will be hard to keep it composed.  But hey, that's my style anyway right??  ...random and un-composed and raw.

So obvious to me, my heart has been elsewhere this past week.  I was burdened with the men's Discovery Weekend these past several days.  Firstly because my boyfriend, (yes I said it..boyfriend..I know crazy!  And I know who you all are who are thinking it because I vowed to you that never again would I but I digress..haha) was a participant.  But as the weekend approached and Thursday came along, it brought back so many feelings and memories. I found myself re-living the days down to the hour because I remember being there, prepping, praying, and trusting God that He would have me be the tool He saw fit. Throughout the weekend, I had mixed emotions from the time on my women's weekends from being a participant to a team member to knowing exactly what my boyfriend was experiencing.  I must admit it was nice but different being on the other side this time.  I love that weekend no matter where it falls throughout the year.  I love that ministry and I love the people who support it and make it was it is.  I love that I get to continue to experience the hearts of Marty and Holly Erwin and see their unexplainable and indescribable love for men and women and most importantly for glorifying the Lord down to the tee.  It is a blessing and gift from God that He somewhere along the way placed me in the path of that couple and their ministry.

As I was talking to my boyfriend about his weekend, I asked him if he kept his coffee mug that says 36 Hours.  As he answered he told me that as he was staring at the mug during his weekend, it was then that he realized the correlation between that and the title of my blog.  I intentionally named this blog The 37th Hour on the heels of my first Discovery Weekend.  My intent was to remind and ask myself "What's next",  "What's the next chapter",  "What are you going to do now",  "Will your next steps be for yourself or for the glory of God"?  I still have to ask myself those questions constantly.

So why do I still struggle with things that I believe God ordains for me?  It use to be shame, guilt, unworthiness, and so on.  But I really feel like those aren't the reasons anymore and haven't been for some time. It's my lack of acceptance of His grace that I struggle with more than I even realize.  Grace from God I can not comprehend.  As I watched the above video, I began crying when I realized what Jesus' character was repeatedly asking Peter's character.  I have never looked at Mark 16:7 that way...

But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee.  There you will see him, just as he told you.'

By the authority under God, the angel told Mary to go tell the disciples and Peter the news. Peter was set aside.  Why?  Because of anything righteous that he had done before and because he loved Jesus more than the others?  Because he was more equipped than the others?  As I recall, Peter denied Jesus 3 times basically hours before this angel told the women to find the disciples and Peter.  Doesn't sound very righteous or more loving to me. More equipped?  Wasn't Peter pretty much a hot head and spoke often without thinking? He set aside Peter out of grace.  Simple as that.  Grace.  There is no other reason and no other reason quite frankly makes sense.  To side note here, many were used by God who didn't seem to fit the job.  For example, I have this reminder as my screen saver..

As noted in the image, God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the CALLED!  There is a reason I have had this as my screen saver in order to see it every day.  God called out Peter by His grace and because He saw fit to do so and would qualify who He chose to use as His tool.  Peter didn't deserve to be set aside and favored and called out by name.  But he was. And so am I.  God has chosen to call me by name aloud.  He has chosen to use Lisa.  He will continue to use me, Lisa, as long as He desires.  Does that mean I am deserving? Haha! I laugh aloud.  No! I am in a lot of ways like Peter.  I've been known to have a hot head, temper, and quite often say exactly how I feel to who I want in any way that I want.  I'm not so much that person anymore but I do struggle with those personality traits at times. Just because God chooses to use us doesn't mean we finally have it figured out or have become righteous or perfect in our ways.  It's His grace.  Another side note....as I was writing to my boyfriend earlier this morning about some of my struggles I've been having, I was listening to a Jim Brickman song and went to change it and realized it was a song from his album title Grace.  Just sayin'... :)  Then God leads me to two videos, one on Baggage and one on Grace.  Again, just sayin'... :)

So what does The 37th Hour mean for me?  To live according to God's calling upon my life. To embrace that God calls me by name.  To continue to see and accept the vision God gave me 4 months ago when I, for the first time, saw myself dancing with Him to the song Beautiful You when I left Marty and Holly Erwin's house.

I have to rest assured that I can do nothing to gain God's grace or favor.  I know this and yet I still listen to the enemy and wonder if I still try so hard sometimes without even realizing it.  Or maybe, just for once, I can admit and accept that I actually do want to live my life pleasing God and seeking His will.  Maybe I do get on fire for the Lord and enjoy serving Him and glow when I'm in the midst of His work.  Maybe I long to be used by Him not because I need to feel His acceptance but because I want what He wants and desire what He desires.  And that's ok and that's good.  Even when I am weak!

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power works best in weakness".  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

God laid this song on my heart last week and I have not stopped listening to it...

What Are You Doing, God???

I sit here in complete awe of God.  I don't really know where to start yet I have so much that just wants to spill out from my lips.  A couple of posts ago I wrote about my spiritual warfare that I had walked through immediately following my Discovery Weekend.  Well, let me tell you that since that day God decided to show off in only ways that He can.

Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I have lived most of my life pitifully to say the least.  Each time I tried to bring myself out of my mess I always seemed to fall back into it even deeper.  I struggled for so many years with shame, guilt, and unforgiveness with myself.  In recent years, I have overcome those struggles, however decided to hold on to the consequences of my life choices.  THAT is what I have been dealing with these past few years - the consequences.  I totally agree and believe that we all should deal with the aftermath of our choices and some of those consequences will be lifelong.  That is what I have been accepting.  I knew God forgave me, loved me, and even had a plan for me.  I believed I would be able to move forward from my past but maybe not so much with my future.  It would at least be better than the past 15-20 years right?  I was content with it.

During my 12 week process of getting ready for Discovery, God kept telling me "Be still.  Be quiet.  Just listen for Me.  You come to me with your words, your cries, and your prayers but you then don't listen for My response."  Psalm 46:10 had been laid on my heart.  So I did....or at least tried.  Again -if you know me then you know this was a task for me to just sit back, relax, and be patient!  Being still allowed me to focus on Him more than I ever had before and took me to places I never knew existed with Him.  Satan pounded on me for it.  That month after Discovery reminded me of what I didn't want to go back to in that I was allowing satan to control my mind and my heart with lies, deception, and unworthiness.  I kept thinking about the words of Paul in Romans 7:15...I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  I was so frustrated and angry that I was going back to that place but I must admit that I fought it harder than I had ever done so before in my life.  I didn't fight it perfectly, in fact I did miserably, but I did fight it.  This time I chose to go to war not alone and finally confided in a couple of my girlfriends who prayed for me.  We were all fighting it together and God heard our cries.

I was standing there facing the road that I had been down so many times and God turned me around before I fell into the ruts along that road.  But this time has been different.  Not only has He led me out, He has chosen to bless me beyond measure as my cup continues to overflow.  God has told me that I don't have to be content with a mediocre life.  He has more for me than forgiveness and grace - which by the way is WAY more than I even deserve and it's not like that isn't enough already!  No, He has decided to provide for my boys and I in ways I never imagined.  He continues to fill my life with the most godly individuals on this side.  To actually be able to say that is beyond measure and blessing.  God has provided a new home and life for the boys and I that honestly should NOT be happening at this moment.  Everything on paper says no but God says yes!  If God is for us, who shall be against us?? - Romans 8:31.  I, in so many ways, needed to constantly be reminded of that because throughout this whole process that I call the past 5 months, I knew God was doing something.  I knew it.  It scared me but I knew it.  I knew this house and the move was exactly where God wanted us.  Yet I still doubted the means by which it would happen.  I was afraid I was having too much faith and that it would backfire on me. Again for the 3rd time, if you know me well, you know that I prepare for the worst.  I prepare for failure.  I prepare to not be surprised or caught off guard.  That way I wouldn't be disappointed.  Ironically, I was all the while preparing for disappointment.  

God has revealed to me that He loves me and has a plan for me and my children.  I certainly don't believe that earthly blessings are a sign of righteousness or faith so I don't want to come across as praising God for my friends and my new home as proof of that.  I believe God wanted me to see firsthand and for the first time in my life, that He will give so much more than I give Him and He will do it when it seems impossible or out of timing.  This is the Gospel!  This is God pursing me!  He has reminded me that I don't call my life, He does.  I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 that is taped on the front of my computer.."For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways," declares the Lord.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  

Friends, homes, and finances seem to be belittled these days in the recognition that it all comes from Him.  We take these things for granted and look at them as if they are something we have gained ourselves.  But when God places these people and things in our life when it doesn't make sense to have them placed there based on timing or whatever other circumstance, it is even more proof of His sovereignty and majesty.

As I started my day this morning, I spent it in tears.  I was so overwhelmed with everything God was doing and where He had brought me today.  I cried in joy and awe at who He is.  As I sat in my car at work this morning I thought, "How am I suppose to walk inside like this?"  My "repeat song of the day" has been In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes.  Mandi must be one of the most talented and beautiful song writers and singers that I have ever heard.  She attends my church and I am blessed to hear her music.  The lyrics are about wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything around us seems dark and sorrowful.  Although, I have looked at this song today as wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything is alive and joyful.  I sound like a broken record but God has blessed me beyond measure and with that has come an intimacy with Him.  He allows my cup to runeth over but even still I choose to long to be in His arms.  Nothing on this earth compares to His presence.  While I am over-joyed at what God is doing in my life it doesn't compare to seeing His face on that day and seeing His arms held out for me!

Video to In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes

Knight In Shining Armor

I don't know why I continue to sometimes put God in a box and think that He is only at work in my life during the moments of my worship.  Can He really work in the midst of the secular music world?

As I left for school this morning, I decided to not go with my normal morning of listening to WDJC but instead listened to Michael Buble.  I don’t remember the last time I played his music.  I didn’t even know why I was choosing to listen to him but I ended up playing “Haven’t Met You Yet”.  So I’m singing along and listening to the words thinking “Yeah ok here we go.  I can relate to how this starts.  Nothing good ever lasts with me, I’ve had a broken heart, I talk myself into bad things and out of good things, and I AM ALWAYS let down.”  Then I go on to have a pity party about how no good man has ever pursued me, much less tell me that he’ll wait on me or never give up on me.  Then to top it off, he’ll give more than he gets and how amazing we will be together?  Ok so what?  Now my morning was going to be turned in to a poor pitiful Lisa day?  Well, then the song played again and I realized I had my iPod on repeat.  So I let it play again…

As the song plays repeatedly, I find myself thinking about some fantasy of all sorts involving a knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet and saying all of these wonderful romantic things to me.  He adores me and would do anything for me and we will live together in complete bliss for the rest of our lives.  Other than the fact of this being TOTAL and COMPLETE fantasy, it was odd for me because I haven’t really been looking for a man or a relationship for that matter.   I have been content in being single.  Fortunately, I snapped back to reality.

As I continued my drive, I thought about how God IS all that I fantasized about in that man of flesh.  He does adore me.  Most importantly, He pursued me!  Yes, I was pursed by the most important male figure that ever existed and still exists.  He also keeps his promise when He says that He’ll give me way more than I will ever give Him.  My response to my Lord could only be that of the lyrics….”And I know that we can be so amazing.  Your love is going to change me and now I can see every possibility!” 

The possibilities (that we thought we thought of like in the lyrics(wink wink)) are endless with God and our lives can be more fruitful than we ever imagine.   As I have struggled these past few weeks in my walk with the Lord because of doubt, He still loves me enough to pursue me to remind me I AM HIS and I have nothing to doubt.  His love has changed me and I do see the realm of possibilities He gives me.  I may go through trials and tribulations here on earth, but we will live in bliss forever!

I began thinking about all the people who haven’t met the Lord.  They look to worldly treasures to seek fulfillment, satisfaction, and self worth.  Just like my earlier thoughts – they are a fantasy.  Nothing here on earth will sustain the desires of our heart.  Only Christ can do that.  All of these temporary gods will fade.  We must be careful to not only lump material objects as the only things we idolize.  We can idolize our spouses, significant others, children, friends, pastors, or individuals we don’t even know.  Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians to fix our eyes on not what is seen but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

I am no different than anyone else as far as the pursuit goes.  God desires all to be saved…

"This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth" 
(1 Tim. 2:3-4).

"The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance" (2 Pet. 3:9).

However, the outcome is not all the same.  If we choose to not accept Christ it is not because we aren’t being pursued.  It is because we choose another choice.  God promises us eternal blessings and we can’t have them if He is able to say to us “I haven’t met you yet”.  Believing that God exists isn’t knowing God.  Knowing God is having an intimate and personal relationship with Him.  It’s trusting in Him and having enough faith to live for Him.

If you are saying these things to God – “I’m not surprised, not everything lasts.  I’ve broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track.  Talk myself in, talk myself out.  I get all worked up, then I let myself down.  I try so very hard not to lose it.  I came up with a million excuses.  I thought I thought of every possibility"…... Let God’s response be to you - “And I know someday that it’ll all turn out.  You’ll make me work so we can work it out.  And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get.  I just haven’t met you yet.  I might have to wait.  I’ll never give up.  Wherever you are, whenever it’s right you’ll come out of nowhere and into my life.”

Have you met the Lord?  Or have you just heard of Him?  Do you know people that have met Him?  Or is He just hearsay to you?  Do you peek out the hole before opening the door and then leave it shut because He is standing there knocking?  Do you screen your phone calls and hit the ignore but because the caller ID shows "God calling"?  There will come a time where there will be no more knocks at the door and the phone will stop ringing.  You would have lost the opportunity to meet the love of your life, your knight in shining armor.

 And just in case you're wondering....

Redemptive Love

A few weeks ago I attended another Discovery Weekend.  However, this last time I was on the team rather than a participant.  So what does that mean?  In a nutshell, 12 weeks of preparation, prayer, intimate reliance on God, and getting down to the pits of digging up my past and writing them on paper in order to share them to over 50 women to reveal how God has worked in my life and redeemed me as His beloved.  My story on paper ended up much the same way as the pages of the bible end.  Redemptive love.  Satan seeks to destroy us.  Satan seeks to have us live a life apart from God.  That is what satan lives for.  That is what satan had me living for - a life of shame, guilt, misery, and separation from God.

The pages of my story ended in a transformation.  I am no longer a slave to sin (John 8:34).  The last pages or book of the bible is not about trying to figure out the timetable on when our existence will end or what day Jesus will return.  It is to remind us that the fight has already been won.  Jesus has overcome evil and death and He will return for us.  That is a promise.  Satan has no control or victory over that.  The book of Revelation reminds us of Jesus' victory and His love for us.  He is the Redeemer.  If He promises to save all those who trust in Him when this world will no longer be, why wouldn't He save me right now?  Or you?  God chose to redeem my past.  He not only chose to redeem it but He chose to use it for His glory! 

I also always felt like spiritual warfare was present in my life during the times leading up to events.  I was warned, and rightly so, that spiritual warfare may become more powerful in those 12 weeks leading up to the weekend.  I never felt overwhelmed, in that regard, the entire 12 weeks.  I even wondered about it sometimes because it concerned me that I didn't feel the warfare attacking me therefore making me question God's plan for having me be apart of this team.  Well, let me tell you...satan decided to defer his attacks on me until after the weekend and he wasted no time in doing so.

Since the weekend, the adversary has passionately pursed my mind with thoughts of doubt and regret.  Satan's questions and statements would go something like this:

How could you possibly get up in front of 50 vulnerable women and tell them your junk and sin for nearly 2 decades and then pass it off as no big deal if you just ask God to forgive you??  How belittling is that to your so-called gospel?  How could you make light of your consistent sin?  That's not redeemable.  You're telling all of these women to just forget their rebellion against God and move on with a blanket "I'm sorry"?  Don't you remember what Matthew 7:21-23 says - “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’  You aren't prophesying in God's name.  You are blaspheming his name!

Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44).  He will continue to seek out to destroy the work of God.  If God is using you, then you have a bullseye on your back and satan is thrashing arrows at you from every direction.  I have struggled these past few weeks in questioning God's use for me on that weekend.  I have been overcome with confusion and I have felt betrayed and defeated most days.  God's work in me is not done.  He has just started and He will finish.  While I know the devil will seek out my destruction daily, I am thankful and beyond gracious that God seeks me out more.  I am thankful that God continues to remind me of that in the midst of my wrestling with satan.  I am thankful for the people in my life that pray for me and remind me of God's plan for me.  There is nothing I can do but seek out God's will for my life.  All I can do is pray daily for God to show me what His plan is for me that very day.  I can live my life for God that day.  I will have bad days and some days I will fail more miserably than others. I will even turn my back on God.  Yes, I said it.  I'm a Christian and I turn my back on God.  It's reality.  Christian aren't perfect and we are still sinners on a daily basis.  We rebel every day.  Doesn't matter what our denomination is or faith is for that matter.  WE ALL SIN.  What makes me different is not that I am better than everyone else and live a righteous life of good deeds because I don't.  I accepted a Savior that died for me and turned my life over for Him.  My desire is to glorify God, not myself or this world.

A Shirt Is Worth Way More Than A Thousand Words

In this new modern, technological, fast-paced world we love our moments when we can just relax and put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  We Americans are some of the most spoiled and money induced people on the planet but I must admit we love our t-shirts.  We don't just love them for their comfort and convenience but they also say a lot about who we are.  Or do they?

I guess I don't get out much these days to shop for myself so I never really notice the new trends or what is out in the stores.  I was at the beach a couple of weeks ago and my children and I stopped in a popular souvenir shop to have some air-brushed t-shirts made for my boys.  I couldn't believe all of the shirts hanging from the walls with filth plastered all over the front of them.  I couldn't even bring myself to look at the back of them.  Maybe I was in part shocked because I thought that the store was suppose to be family oriented.  Is this what things have become now?  But that's another blog...

As I was pondering the trash printed on these shirts and our acceptance of them, God took me back to a time of a particular shirt I use to wear.  Then He reminded me that I bought that shirt in that exact same store chain while at the beach with my friends years ago.  I remember exactly what that shirt said and it makes me embarrassed now to think that I even wore it... much less thought it was funny and cool.  God revealed to me that my attitude reflected that shirt.

For some reason I have recently noticed a lot of t-shirts worn by individuals, including myself, with God and His Word plastered all over them.  I began really reading all of them to see what they said.  Rather than God speaking to me in what I was reading, He asked me, "Do these shirts reflect the ones wearing them, including you?"  Now I can't speak on behalf of the hearts and desires for those other adults but I do know whether or not I see fruit from them.  Some of them, I don't know well enough to make an educated guess.  Others....well, no.  I don't ever see any fruit or any mention of God from their lips or actions.  A few....yes.

So that leaves me.  When others see my t-shirt do they think it fits with my lifestyle?  Do I think it fits with my lifestyle?  Does God think so?  Sometimes we Christians don't understand why the rest of the world sees us as phony yet just like them.  Do we really stand out in a crowd because of our godly hearts or because we "act" like Christ followers in front of an audience who sees right through us.  Are we only fooling ourselves?  When we express our beliefs on something as simple as a t-shirt and it involves trusting and putting our faith in the Creator of the universe and proclaiming His identity, we better mean it.  Otherwise it's blasphemy.

This took me to a part of scripture that I have heard many times, again last night in fact, and one that I fear the most...

^{Matthew 7: 21-23}  “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’  Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

Are we real in who we proclaim to be in Christ?  Or will we stand one day and hear those words being said to us?  I pray one way God uses me as a vessel to advance His kingdom is in the clothes that I wear.  I pray that it's His choosing that I wear those words rather than my choosing to wear those words as part of fitting in with the crowd.

I thank you, Lord, for Your truth and grace.  I would be no where without it.

We Deserve The Best, Right?

Over the past several weeks, I have heard the word "deserve" countless times.  I wish I could say I have only heard it on television but unfortunately I have not.  People that I have been around, in whatever form or fashion, have said it as well.  Because I have heard this word so much lately, I was also taken back to the past few years to times when family and/or friends spoke of what they or myself deserved.  I still cringe almost every time I hear the word "deserve".

What I hear isn't something new or out of the ordinary.  Most commonly I hear things like "I don't deserve to be treated this way or that way" or "I deserve better" or "You've worked hard. You deserve it."  So if these things are being said as a form of encouragement or a way of setting the standard higher for oneself then why does it bother me so much? Maybe because I truly don't believe those are the reasons those words are being said.  I believe they come from a place within us that is a reflection of selfishness, pride, and arrogance - not to mention an entitlement issue.  I don't necessarily think it is always meant to be said as a selfish, prideful, or arrogant statement but that doesn't mean that it isn't so. It's just our human nature.

I am certainly no biblical scholar nor do I have a fraction of the knowledge that they do but I chose to try and research what the bible says about one's deservedness.  I have an ESV bible and a NIV bible and looked in each one to see what I could find.  Well, let me back up a moment...

I looked up the word "deserve" and found the definition according to Merriam-Webster:

Deserve - to be worthy of: merit; to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital.

To be worthy of?  Interesting.  Ok, so back to where I left off....

I looked in the back of my ESV bible and the word deserve was not listed so I looked in the back of my NIV bible.  Deserve was listed as only referencing to 3 books of the bible - Exodus, Judges, and Isaiah.  As I read each of the verses listed I noticed that "deserve" was not actually in the verses.  Every verse or verses seemed to point towards grace and mercy.

Exodus 19:5 is speaking of God telling Moses what to tell the Israelites.  God is telling the Israelites that if they fully obey and keep His commandments, then they will be His treasured possession.

Judges 2: 15-16 is referencing how God's presence was no longer with Israel because of their disobedience of worshiping idols.  The next verse is God raising up judges to save the Israelites from their oppressors.

Isaiah 48:9-11 is God once again saving the Israelites from His wrath.  However, He mentions that it is because of His namesake.

Although each of these verses were listed under DESERVE in the index, each one points to grace and mercy.  The Israelites did nothing to deserve being a treasured possession.  By worshipping false gods, they gave God no reason to save them from His wrath.  Quite the contrary!  The Isaiah 48 reference clearly states that God is saving them not by their obedience or goodness but by His namesake alone.  God repeatedly poured out grace and mercy upon His people even when they repeatedly turned their backs on Him.  Did the Israelites deserve God's wrath or did they deserve His grace and mercy?

What makes us so different today than the Israelites thousands of years ago?  Nothing.  We sin each and every day just like they did.  Maybe we don't call our idols and gods "Baal" or "golden calves" just like they didn't call their idols and gods "television" or "computers" or "food" or "money".  God hasn't changed.  We have.

We need to be careful in thinking that we deserve nice homes, vacations, multiple cars, 6 figures in the bank, peace of mind in our worldly views, or a nice retirement because we "worked for it".  I am not saying that some of us haven't worked hard but I'd be willing to bet that the 2 billion plus people living under $2 a day work much harder than us as some grow their own food, tend to their own livestock. walk to retrieve filthy water, clean their clothes by hand, and so on.  If we think that hard work deserves material things and happiness then where are their (the 2 billion plus) fancy houses and vacations? Where is their retirement?  Where is their peace of mind of having enough money and food to live on much less handing it down as an inheritance to their children?  No where in the bible does it speak of God giving out blessings because of hard work or even good work.  In fact, the bible warns us of such things but that's another blog.  If any of us are fortunate enough to live comfortably on more than $2 a day, it isn't because we deserve it and the rest of the population doesn't.  It is because God was gracious enough to allow us to have it.  Yes, hard work does play in to that a bit but we must remember that ALL things belong to God and we don't have one more thing or one less thing that God hasn't allowed.

Are we really so self absorbed that we think we deserve these things?  Yet we are also so quick to dish out consequences on others because we think they deserve it due to bad choices or mistakes.  Yes, we all have consequences for such actions but who are we to administer them so merciless?  All the while, we are begging for mercy when we are given punishment or consequences - whatever you want to call it.

My preacher read a quote aloud a couple of Sundays ago by a man named D.A. Carson.  It said, "Do you really want nothing but totally effective, instantaneous justice?  Then go to hell." Wow.  Powerful statement.  Maybe we should remember that statement next time we want to tell ourselves or others what we deserve.

On our best days, we are still no more than filthy rags in God's eyes.  We all deserve damnation and separation from the one and only perfect and holy God.  However, God is gracious, merciful, loving, and forgiving.  God doesn't want separation from any of us.  All He wants is our whole-hearted devotion to Him.  That whole hearted devotion spills over into loving others, forgiving others, helping others, and all that God allows us to do in order to glorify Him.

I deserve nothing except that which I don't like to think about.  Luckily, my filthy rags are white as snow!  That is grace and mercy!

“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. – Isaiah 1:18

The Thief On The Cross

I have wanted to write about this subject for so long, years in fact, but never really knew when a good time would be to do so.  One overwhelming reason kept me from writing about the thief on the cross - my family.  You see it involves my grandfather whom I love dearly to this day.  I now sit here with a lump in my throat and teary-eyed as I type these words because I am still afraid of the consequences of this post.  I also do not want to dishonor my grandfather in any way. However, I feel that I must honor my Father, who for whatever reason, continues to lay this subject on my heart.


My grandparents were a huge part of my life.  As a 38 year old woman, I miss them terribly.  My grandfather passed way 3 years ago and my grandmother passed away 1 1/2 years ago.  It is mind-blowing to me how much I think about them and miss them.  I still speak of them so often that sometimes my boys tell me how much they miss my grandparents.  I still cry over them.  I still think how I wish I could just call them and tell them each time something new comes up in my life or in the kids' lives. My grandfather was so proud of Brooklyn and always enjoyed calling her to try and stump her with riddles.  He boasted on how smart Brooklyn was and said that she was even smarter than my dad or my brother - which says a lot because they are extremely intelligent.  He thought Brooklyn was beautiful.  Brooklyn spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up, as well.  We lived not far from them and would go over there quite often.  They would keep Brooklyn if she was sick while I worked.  We went over there on many weekends just to visit.  Sometimes my grandmother would call me at work to let me know the menu and invite us over for dinner :)  I know my grandfather would be so proud of Blake with his baseball and athleticism because my grandfather was an athlete.  He would be amazed at how smart Will is and how he is probably on track to be even smarter than his sister!  My grandparents loved their family but my grandfather was the boastful one.


Throughout my life, I remember my grandfather being a hard worker.  I admired and appreciated the fact that he supported and provided for my grandmother, dad, uncle, and aunt.  My grandparents didn't live in a huge fancy house, in fact it was quite modest. However, it was a taken care of and paid for due to my grandfather's hard work and my grandmother made it a home.  I always admired my grandmother's contentness.


I am geared to concentrate on my grandfather's retirement years which were the last 25 years of his life.  My grandfather loved to be the center of attention.  He was silly and loved practical jokes.  He also liked to have fun.  He enjoyed golf, playing cards or dominos with friends, dancing, and roaming around town most every day.  While my grandfather never spent money on anything extravagant, or even mildly expensive for that matter, he did like to spend money.  For instance, he liked buying whatever junk he could find at thrift stores CONSTANTLY!  He loved going to the casinos to play the slot machines.  It was a grand day if he could get anything for free! Whether he needed it or not, he was going to take it :)  I feel he was probably like this because he grew up very poor, fatherless at the age of 2, and had to work his entire life.  I know he felt like the retirement years were a time to enjoy life and to be able to spend money if he had it.


Here comes the hard part.  Now remember...I ADORE my grandfather. Always did and always will.  I am very protective of my family.  It's like the case where I can talk about my brother or sister if I am mad at them about something but no one else better say anything negative about them. And while I'm venting about them, the person on the other end needs to just listen and not respond in agreement! :)  My grandfather had many, many great qualities but he also had flaws.  Once my grandfather set his mind on something, he was going to do it.  Regardless.  In some ways he was selfish like that.  Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, he was always quick to help me in any way whether it was financially or giving me a place to live or a car to drive - which my grandparents did each of those things.  I am talking about being selfish in a more self centered way.  My grandfather wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and how he wanted to do it.  He loved life and he wanted to live by his agenda. While I saw him take care of his family and extended family his entire life, I never saw him take care of others.  I don't recall seeing any fruit from him.


I remember a couple of occasions in my adult years where I spoke of Christ to him.  I don't remember anything about how the conversations would come up other than me just being at my grandparents' home and the conversations arising.  I must admit that I was very intimidated to share Christ with him.  For one, I felt I didn't know enough to share or didn't have the mental resources to back up my claims.  I always remember thinking, "How am I suppose to change a 70 year old's mind about something?" I don't recall anything specific he would say to me other than giving me the idea that he didn't believe the Bible.  Looking back, I believe my grandfather took the Bible literally and it wasn't in his realm of possibilities to believe things like a whale swallowed a man, who survived by the way, or that Jesus was God in the flesh, or how a burning bush could talk.  I know he certainly couldn't comprehend why God would allow evil and bad things to happen.  There was one instance that has always stuck in my mind.  After one of our conversations, I left crying because my grandfather told me that he didn't believe in Jesus. Shortly after I arrived home, my phone rang and it was my grandmother saying that my grandfather wanted to talk to me to tell me he really believed in Jesus.  I knew it was my grandmother's doing and that she probably told him that he upset me and he needed to call me.  That kept me from sharing Christ with my grandfather for a long time because I felt it would be useless - again, changing the mind of a 70 year old man.  However, I should have realized that I could share Christ with him in my every day life and my actions.  Unfortunately, I was too naive and immature to realize that.


As years passed, my healthy and lively grandfather was unofficially diagnosed with lung cancer in December 2008 and was officially diagnosed in January 2009.  Not surprisingly, he was not ready to die and wanted to fight the cancer as much as possible.  He agreed to chemo, got pneumonia, and stayed in the hospital for about a week.  He came home where he passed away in the early hours on February 5, 2009. During his stay in the hospital was the most scared and the most dependent I have ever been on God.  I constantly visited my grandfather and heavily prayed for a miracle to and from the hospital during each drive.  I spent every single drive bawling my eyes out begging for God to give my grandfather more time.  During that period was only the second time in my life that I knelt down at the altar asking for God's help.


Nothing could have prepared me for seeing him in the hospital.  I remember my first visit and walking into his room.  I walked in to a room full of family and saw my grandfather lying there with tubes and a mask. I went to the foot of the bed and I couldn't get one word out or hold back tears so I dashed out of the room crying in the hallway.  As my father walked out to console me, I couldn't believe I was seeing my grandfather lying there like that.  He was always so tough.  He was a man's man.  Throughout the week there were a few times where I, along with other family members, spoke to my grandfather about Christ.  I remember one day in particular where I was asking him if he was ready to meet God.  I was so desperate, frustrated, and stressed at the situation that I failed miserably on how I handled talking to my grandfather about Christ.  I felt as if I was almost yelling at him to understand and believe. That memory has never left my mind.  This was maybe a day or so before he left to go home.  He did shake his head and said that he believed. Although, I was doubtful.


I remember my father and aunt having to make a decision on whether or not to let my grandfather stay at the hospital or go home.  I knew if my grandfather went home, he would pass away.  Needless to say, I wanted my grandfather to stay at the hospital.  It wasn't that I didn't want him to die.  That was a given.  I wanted him to have more time to accept Christ because I didn't think he truly did so I wanted those extra days.


I don't remember the exact time frame but after my grandfather passed away, the account of the thief on the cross came to me.  As Jesus is hanging on the cross he is in between two thieves hanging on their cross. Here is the NIV version from the book of Luke:

Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. ³³ When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. ³⁴ Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”^[c] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

 ³⁵ The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.”

 ³⁶ The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar ³⁷ and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.”

 ³⁸ There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.

 ³⁹ One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

 ⁴⁰ But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹ We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

 ⁴² Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.^[d]”

 ⁴³ Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

What does this account mean?  Is it truly never too late to repent and be saved?  What is God telling us in this part of scripture?  I studied this question through commentaries surrounding Luke 23.  In my own words, as Jesus hung in pain and agony between two sinners, he prayed.  He prayed for those who persecuted him and murdered him.  Jesus was still bounding with love and prayed for lost souls.  The picture of the two thieves are those of a hardened heart and a softened heart.  As one followed the crowd and mocked Jesus, even as he hung from a cross himself, he found no compassion for Christ.  He never saw the unjust of an innocent man being crucified.  He wanted Jesus to save him, if Jesus really was who he said he was.  Otherwise, he had no desire to trust Jesus.  Does that sound like us sometimes?  We don't want to obey Christ, follow Christ, live a sacrificial life for Christ, or give up our worldly pleasures unless we get something in return from Him?  How dare we!  We only want to pray to God to get us out of a pickle or save us from some consequences because of our stupid and selfish choices. Otherwise, we don't speak to God.  If we see fit that our life is going well and we have our wants and desires and toys and vacations, then we don't need to pray to God, right?  I mean since we have all of that then that must mean that we are on God's good side, huh?  It's when we lose those things that we want to ask God to save us from it - whether we put ourselves in that situation or not.  That thief on the cross was being crucified for something he did.  He made the choice to do what he wanted.  He was hanging from that cross justly from all accounts as far as I am concerned.  But mind you....we all deserve to be hanging from a cross to be crucified.  Who are we to sit back and think that we don't deserve the same punishment as that thief?  Why?  Because maybe we don't steal.  Or some of us don't kill.  Or we don't commit adultery.  Or we don't abuse our children.  Or because we don't get drunk or do drugs.  Let me remind you, my friends, we ALL fall short of the glory of God per Romans 3:23.  None of us are worthy to even be in the sight of our God.  Those of us that think we are better than others because we have "minimal sin" like the "little white lies" syndrome are foolish to think so. Isaiah 64:6 reminds us that our righteous acts are like filthy rags!  We are saved by grace and by grace alone, through our faith in Christ. Nothing else.


Which leads me to the second thief.  He felt compassion for Christ as he hung on that cross.  That thief admitted that he belonged to hang there. We all could learn a lesson from that man.  We are to own up to our junk and repent.  No excuses.  No pointing of fingers.  He chose to see that Jesus was an innocent man and, I assume, could hear Christ praying for others as he hung there.  His heart was softened by the grace of God.  He asked Jesus to remember him when he entered his kingdom.  He professed who Jesus was in those very words.  Jesus promised to be with him in paradise.


My point is that it is probably not in our best odds to be in a position of true repentance moments before we die or receive the grace and mercy that the thief received.  But is it possible?  Yes.  I believe it is a dangerous game to live a life of self gratification only to continue to put off handing our life over to the Lord.  It's the infamous "I need to sow my oats" or "I'm not ready to do that now. I want to have fun" or "I'll commit to God later".  Do we not realize that not even the next second is promised to us?  Much less next week, next month, or next year.  Which thief are we?  Jesus was present and right beside each man.  Jesus was within their reach just like he is within ours.  Will we let the opportunity pass us by to reach out to Jesus with him right there beside us?  How much closer does He need to be for us to make that decision?  Much like that day on the cross, some will reach out for Christ while others let the opportunity fade away only to never return.


I will only speak of my grandfathers years as I saw them.  I saw self gratification.  On the flip side - don't wait until your loved one is dying to beg him or her to accept Christ.  We should be living a life that reveals God's character each day.  If we are lost for words, our actions should speak for us.  Don't let satan win that battle by making us feel like we are unworthy to share the gospel with others.  Now please don't twist what I am saying.  I am not saying that we can convert someone or drill it into their head until they get it.  As a matter of fact, I am saying that we can not.  That is God's job.  We are to be obedient in our duties as Christians by the authority given to us in Christ.  We are to share the gospel.  We are to live a life of godly reflection.  We are to pray for others.  We are to help the poor.  We are to live out our faith based works.  God will use us as the tools to change the hearts of those who He sees fit.  We are to be obedient.  God does the rest.


Do I have hope that my grandfather truly repented that day in the hospital?  Absolutely. The thief on the cross gives me that.

                                              
                                    In Honor and Memory of
                                               Jeff Bell
                                   Feb 29, 1924 - Feb 5, 2009