If I had a penny for every time I have felt inadequate, insecure, unworthy, or not good enough I could pay off the national debt. I have spent most of my life believing I was less than mediocre. I could never accept a compliment or encouragement from anyone. My sweet friend, Dana, comes to mind because she likes to throw in "pretty" or "beautiful" remarks to me because she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable, and with that, I should get over myself and my insecurities. Ok, well....now she doesn't exactly word that last part like that but I know what she means ;) I remember years ago one of my former co-workers giving me a compliment and I sort of wrote it off. Her response was for me to learn to take a compliment. My grandmother would constantly ask me why I was so insecure and didn't have any self-esteem. She would always tell me how beautiful or smart I was. I took it as her being my grandmother and that's just what grandmothers say to their granddaughters. If I'm honest, I can't say that I have completely overcome that hurdle of accepting sweet gestures but I have gotten better. I try to just say thank you but it's hard still and doesn't come naturally for me.
I would say that these past few years I have been trying to embrace myself in the eyes of God. To see myself how He sees me. To think of myself how He thinks of me. To present myself how He presents me. But how do I want to present myself? As a woman who is fixated on whether or not my make-up is perfect or if my hair is styled and sprayed to perfection? Or a woman who is obsessed with having the perfect outfit on for the day when that day may only involve going to the grocery store or school? A woman who can't leave the house until her children are bathed and dressed to the T otherwise it may reflect on my character as a mom? While I definitely don't want to always walk around looking like I just rolled up out of the bed - wait, I kinda do that anyway :/ - or am dressed in a potato sack, I don't want my outwardly appearance to be my top priority for the day. I don't want those things to be my goals for the day. It's not even only about outwardly appearances; it's outwardly actions. So what does that mean or look like? Putting on a mask to cover up the heart. Walking around with a smile on my face while I'm breaking inside. Saying "I'm fine" when I am on the brink of tears. Not opening up to the women in my life or with people who matter that God gave me for a reason such as this. Pretending as if I have nothing to get over when all the while I am harboring harsh feelings towards others. Acting as if I'm a saint by feeding the hungry or volunteering at the local shelter while ignoring my children at home. These things are not what God has in store for us as women, and certainly not as His daughters. So again, I ask, who do I want to be presented as?
Several weeks back, I was given an assignment. I was to look over the names of God. There were 17 names on this list. As I looked over the names, I felt not much of anything. I was in the midst of a bad week and was just not seeming to connect with God in that moment. As I continued to stare at the names, only one spoke to me. The name was Jehovah-Nissi. It means The LORD is my Banner. Now this name wasn't speaking to me because of who I thought I was. It is who I want to be. I want my presence to reflect that of "The LORD is my Banner"! I want everything that I say or do to exude what comes from Him. I want everything that I long for or desire in this life to be about Him. I want to be pleasing to Him. I want to be a God fearing woman. That is who I want to be presented as.
When I think of a banner, I think of a large sign that sums up what it is being hung over or around. I would like to think that instead of yearning to have a halo over my head, I have a great big sign written in the most glorious colors and beautiful font THE LORD IS MY BANNER. I have said too many times to count to my daughter, "Don't make the same mistakes I did. I am the poster child of what NOT to do." A poster child. I have always presented myself as the forefront for bad choices and horrible decisions and was giving myself banners of SHAME or NOT GOOD ENOUGH or MY PAST IS TOO BIG FOR YOU GOD. I was unknowingly parading around town with those banners reflecting that of only the enemy.
You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jeruselem, as majestic as troops with banners - SOS 6:4
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised - Proverbs 31:30
One night last summer, I left the home of some sweet friends after sharing some time of intimate conversation, healing, and prayer. When I got in my car to leave, I immediately turned on the radio. The commercial break was wrapping up and before I got to the end of the street, a song came on the radio. It was Beautiful You by Trent Monk. I believe, in that divine appointment, the Lord was telling me through the words in that song that even in the midst of His glory and majesty and all that He has created, He sees me. Not only does He see me but He sees me as beautiful. While I tend to view God as Creator, or Judge, or Disciplinarian, He allowed me to see Him as my Father; like a father spending time with his young daughter dancing and singing and playing. It was a sweet moment for me.
Just a few days ago I believe God wanted to tell me that Jehovah-Nissi can be my personal banner. I was away from home and sat down at a table for breakfast one morning. Each chair was occupied except the one sitting to my right. I looked over and noticed a name plate with a cup of coffee sitting next to it. I leaned forward to read the name and it said Jehovah-Nissi, The LORD is my Banner. I thought I was going to fall out of my seat. Now if that wasn't an invitation to proclaim that banner then I don't know what is :)
When my time here on this earth is coming to a close, I want to look back knowing, not wondering, but knowing I lived a life honoring and pleasing to God. Not only do I want to know, I want others to know by how I lived my life. In those moments, I long to feel the lyrics of Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord).....
And on that day when my strength is failing
the end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more
Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner - Exodus 17:15
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