Let's Be Honest, Don't We All Think We Are Good Moms Most Of The Time?

How many times do you wake up in a horrible mood?  How often do you wake up feeling grumpy?  How does that even happen?  You sleep perfectly fine and you open your eyes to grumpiness.  What's worse is when you wake up in a fine mood and it changes before you even walk out of the front door.

I awoke this morning, let's just say, perfectly fine.  No headache.  No more than usual fatigue. Not freezing! (that's an important one!)  No running around crazy.  Fine.  Just fine.  I even laid in the bed this morning praying before I opened my eyes and hitting my feet to the floor.  I wanted this day to start off right, with God.  Then it began...I let my guard down as soon as I said Amen.

Bare with me as I share details of my morning.  I went around doing my usual morning stuff making sure we all got out of the door in time for school.  There were of course those few moments of me feeling frustrated because one of my boys (who shall remain anonymous ;)) took FOREVER just picking out his clothes and putting them on.  I don't know why I am surprised by this EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING.  I told the boys that I wanted to leave 5 minutes early, hoping to get ahead of our local town traffic, because it was raining outside and the traffic would be super slow this morning.  Then I say the usuals... "Have you brushed your teeth?", "Have you combed your hair?", "Put long sleeves on under that jersey", "No!  It's barely above freezing outside.  You have to wear pants and long sleeves!"  Then it more times than not ends with several, "Boys!  Let's go!" Even though I was feeling a little rushed, my mood wasn't too bad.  We got in the car and I even made the comment, "I won't say this is a yucky day because all days are good as they come from God so I'll just say this is some yucky weather.  I don't like cold AND wet days."  Ha! That was my way of being positive!  Then before we even got out of the neighborhood I was already feeling myself get frustrated with one of my son's as I'd asked him to get money out of my wallet, put it in an envelope, and write on the envelope since he needed it for school.  Again, it seemed as if it was taking him FOREVER and the entire time I thought to myself how he could be doing it more efficiently, quicker, another way, "why is he so slow?!!"  So that ends and all is well as he is dropped off at school. Next stop - next school and we are actually on time.  The next saga began as I crept basically 100 feet in 15 minutes.  Our local policemen direct traffic in the mornings so of course I'm blaming the ridiculous hold up on the officer directing traffic at the school entrance and the one in charge of the light.  I drop off my other son with 5 minutes to spare although as he got out I noticed he didn't have his jacket, only a long sleeved shirt under his jersey, just like I said this morning.  Hmmmm.  I was bothered but oh well.  My plan was to go to the grocery store immediately after dropping off the kids but the weather and traffic changed my mind for me so I headed home for a bit until I had to get back out.  I had been listening to the radio all morning and the topic was Thanksgiving in general, shopping on Thanksgiving, and are we a thankful people?  I was even getting irritated at some of the answers people were saying. What's wrong with me?  Why am I getting so uptight about how they answer.  Geez! The entire way home God was convicting me of my attitude and I wasn't even being ugly or screaming at the kids this morning!  At least not outwardly being ugly...and that was the point.  

The Bible talks plenty on taming the tongue and it is completely accurate in how our words are hurtful and detrimental to ourselves and others not to mention un-glorifying of God.  So if I wasn't saying aloud all of my negative thoughts what was the problem?  What was far more dangerous was the state of my thoughts, my mind, my heart.  Yes, maybe I kept things from becoming escalated by withholding my words or nasty tone but God still saw fit to speak to me about my attitude.  My prideful, self-absorbed attitude.  Excuse me??!!  Screech!  Back up the car!  Prideful and self-absorbed? What?  How so?  Because I wanted my morning to go well without traffic?  What's wrong with that?  Without having to tell my boys over and over to do the same things each morning? Without the rain and cold?  Without having to hear people give superficial answers to what Thanksgiving means to them?  Without my sons moving slower than I prefer?  Without the officers directing traffic how I think they should?  Why yes, Lisa, that's exactly why.  I wanted MY morning to go MY way on MY time.  But wouldn't everything have gone smoother if it would have been done MY way?  Maybe.  But you know what?  Then I would have been filled with even more pride and self-absorption.  Boom, Lisa! Chew on that for a bit...

When I forget that I must depend on God for every single thing, whether it be physically, materialistically, or spiritually, I start a downward spiral.  Not even one single thought can be honoring to Him without His involvement.  I used to roll my eyes at Romans 7:18.  I viewed it as such a "text book answer"!  Ugh!  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  I would always hear people say things like, "the only good thing in me is Christ" or "there's nothin' good in me except Jesus".  Of course as I type this I'm hearing it in my head with a country bumpkin back woods accent like what I have as if that matters any!  :)  Yeah, ok so, I digress before I need to digress...(big fake smile here)...anyway, so movin' on...Why did that bother me so much to hear?  Because it was so hard for me to believe that without the presence of Christ in me, I was nothing!  Worthless.  Not good.  Not even a little good?  I just knew those individuals who said that were saying it just to hear themselves say it.  I mean we all think we do good things right?  We can be nice.  We can be helpful.  We can give money (sometimes).  We can even be more good when we go to church and pray and help the poor on special holidays once or twice a year.  We can just be a "good person".  Heck, we don't even have to go to church, right!  Like it's always said, "I don't need to go to church to spend time with God" or "Oh, that's just a building.  It's full of hypocrites anyway" or "I won't be apart of that", or even blaming others on why we don't go to church - that one's my favorite. We'll just keep to ourselves, mind our own business, and for the most part be cordial to people. Ok, well that lifestyle's not biblical for adhering to being "good" but suit yourself.  

Listen, I could go on and on about this but the bottom line is that Romans 7:18 is one of the most blatantly truthful obvious verses in the Bible.  I'll touch on one more verse then move on. Mark 10:18 even backs this up.  Jesus was asked by a man how to inherit eternal life but the man addressed Jesus as "Good Teacher".  Jesus' response was, "Why do you call me good?  No one is good except God alone."  Do we understand that???  From the lips of Jesus, no one is good.  No one.  Can we not grasp that?  I'll be honest in saying I don't know how the man thought of Jesus.  I assume he saw Jesus as a teacher, rather than the Son of Man, God in the flesh.  With that being said, he calls Jesus good, viewing him as a "good" man, or "good" teacher, or "good" person.  I believe that is why Jesus responded how he did. He knew the man saw Him as other than the Son of Man yet calling him good.

We can continue to measure this good and bad mentality in our worldly views and give ourselves and others standards to achieve as to what that means but we will continue to be deceived.  Remember that by doing so, we are in clear opposition of God's Word - whether we like it or not.  Whether that makes us feel uncomfortable or not.  You either believe God's Word or you don't.  And why should that be such a hard thing to admit when the Bible teaches us that His power is made perfect in our weakness?? (Romans 12:9)

Reflecting back on my morning, I paralleled how this morning went by how I was as a mom. A good mom or a bad mom.  The rain and traffic and the police officers were going to make ME late on getting MY kids to school.  I was frustrated at my son for not being quicker on getting the money ready in the car because if it wasn't done by the time he got to school then it was because "I" didn't make time to get it done before leaving.  Why was I bothered that my son got out of the car without a jacket on?  Was I really worried about him freezing.  For the most part, no.  He doesn't get cold at school and I knew they wouldn't be outside today because of the rain.  So why?  Because it would reflect on ME as a mom in sending MY child to school without a jacket on.  "I" would look like a bad mom because "I" didn't notice he didn't have one on when we left the house.  Why was I bothered at everyone else's answers on Thanksgiving?  I could see through those superficial answers because "I" was being superficial in that moment.  You know that saying it takes one to know one?  Yeah.  This morning was all about ME and how "I" was handling the flow of how it was turning out. Once again, I was looking at it as if I didn't have it all together and maybe I didn't.  Maybe there were things I could have done better that would have helped my morning.  The problem is that I focused on me as a person and a mom rather than a just a child of God full of grace. Thing is without the child of God part, I am a mess as a person and a mom even on my best days so what's new?  I am thankful God spoke to me this morning and reigned me in.  I certainly needed it and would have done no one, including myself, any good continuing on with my day in my "all about me" attitude getting frustrated at everybody else's choices. Another touchy part of scripture our society doesn't like to hear is how God disciplines those He loves, those He calls His own.  That's a whole other blog but I am grateful God loves me enough to stop me in my tracks and ask, "Why are you being like this?"  I love that He doesn't just tell me what my problem is.  He asks me so I can answer.  He allows a time of self-reflection for me.  It is through that self-evaluation process that I grow.  I grow by seeing AND admitting my weakness in myself and my strength in Him.  Now maybe that sounds textbook. Good!  Straight from it!

Odd how God reminds of us of events in our life to humble our selfishness.  23 years ago on this day I learned for the first time in my life what it meant to be introduced to death.  My uncle Larry, who was not just an uncle, was killed in a construction accident.  My siblings and I were very close to our grandparents and uncle.  My uncle was always a part of my life.  He was always at our house, at my brother's sporting events - even coached, always came to see what we got from Santa on Christmas morning.  Heck, he'd even show up unannounced at our house on any given day.  He lived with my grandparents after divorcing so I saw him often as I was at my grandparents all the time.  You get the point.  He was a huge part of my life.  I was 16 when he passed away and he was only 38.  Having to hear that your child, grown or not, has passed away from a stranger is humbling.  Knowing there isn't a thing you can do about it.  You can't stop it.  You can't change it.  I can't imagine the pain that my grandparents endured from that day forward.  My problems this morning were ridiculous compared to the morning of November 26, 1990 for my grandparents.  My problems weren't worth getting flustered over.  Being reminded what happened 23 years ago, that's justification for being "flustered".  You think my grandmother didn't go through gazillions of moments where she questioned herself as a mother?  I never asked her that but I figure she did.  God, continue to help me not be so arrogant in my ways!

Funny how there was once a time that I would have looked upon this day as ugh!  Yucky day! Just wanting it to be done and over.  I can't begin to express my "thanksgiving" for days just like this now.  Getting my reality check first thing because I am loved and I am pursued. Getting to spend time with God because He called the appointment.  Having a fresh look on how God sees fit for me to spend this day.  God protecting my heart enough to intercede.  Bring on the rain and traffic.  I'm heading to the grocery store with funds that God has provided me with to buy food so I can make that soup I've been wanting for the past 24 hours and I'm not going to wear a jacket either!  Ok, that's just stupid and being stubborn...I'm wearing a jacket. Peace out! :)

We say, "Women, DON'T BE a doormat." We say, "Christians, BE a doormat."

1 Timothy 1:3-7

As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain people not to teach false doctrines any longer or to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies.  Such things promote controversial speculations rather than advancing God’s work—which is by faith.  The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.  Some have departed from these and have turned to meaningless talk.  They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.

What brought me to 1 Timothy?  An article I read this morning that bothered me in regards to the stereotypes of Christians and The Church.  Why did it disturb me? Because it's a stereotype that is true.  Complacent Christians.  Lukewarm Christians.  False Christians.  Christians that turn a blind eye.  I'm wondering how God feels about those that are neither here nor there since we always tend to make Him out to be only forgiving, only loving, only merciful, only gracious.  Only heaven and no hell.  Let's see...

Revelation 3:15-16 - I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Well now that doesn't sound very nice does it?  That's not very forgiving or loving or merciful or gracious.  Hmm.  How dare God want to spit us out of His mouth because of our disgusting taste just because we don't worship Him or give Him the praise He deserves.  Shouldn't we be able to live how we want and just accept all people for who they are, supporting them, no matter how they live or what their beliefs are?  I mean God loves us and wants what is best for us so He should just look over all the crap we do and the disrespect we show Him - even worshipping other things instead of Him.  Like....I mean...show us some slack, God.  Right?

I read an article this morning titled, "Northwest Christian University Class President Reveals He's An Atheist".  I don't know why I decided to read it but I did.  Pretty early on in the article it mentioned that a student, Eric Fromm, enrolled because the college had a "solid communications program" and that once he did some research and realized there was "no one speaking in tongues or handling snakes" he decided to enroll.   "Really?', I thought. "Speaking in tongues and snake handling?  Whatever."  As I read on, the school and students are supporting his "coming out" as an atheist.  The school has no intention of asking the student to step down as class president as quoted...

"Eric is an exemplary student, a good friend, a thorough academic, and when it comes to credibility as the ASNCU president he is the best qualified to fill that position," McGinnis told ABC News.

Now I have a bit of a problem with this.  The institution is supporting his role as class president?  Why?  I looked up the mission statement for Northwest Christian University because I figured I was missing something.  Here's what I found:

Mission, Vision and Core Themes

MISSION

NCU is a University that fosters wisdom, faith and service through excellent academic programs within a Christ-centered community. 

VISION

NCU aspires to be a University characterized by its commitment to equip students to discover and answer God's call in their lives.

NCU achieves this vision through academic excellence and faithful stewardship in a Christ-centered community that develops purposeful graduates.  

CORE THEMES

• Manifest excellence in Christian higher education
• Exercise faithful stewardship
• Foster life-transformation in a Christ-centered community
• Develop purposeful graduates

So my question is why are you allowing a self proclaimed atheist to lead your student body?  I see the word "Christ" all throughout your mission, vision, and core themes yet you are ok with someone who doesn't even believe in God to lead your students?  How ridiculous and insulting!  I am in no way suggesting to shun Mr. Fromm in any way and am quite pleased to hear him say that he has received much hugs while on campus.  Christians are commanded to love.  However, hugs don't condone such behavior.  Let's not distort anything here.  My only concern is if those hugs are given out of love and a petition to pray for lost souls or as an act of condoning "a brave proclamation at the risk of rejection".  You, NCU, are advertising yourself to be a Christ-centered community.  That's fine.  Be the hands of feet of Christ.  What you don't need to do is allow NON CHRIST-CENTERED individuals to be leaders in your community. That, NCU, is stomping on the hands and feet of Christ!  What a slap in the face to our God that you could be so complacent and rebellious to allow a rebel of God to lead your people in order to feed your own publicity and lack of morals.  It is absolutely no wonder that the world sees Christians as hypocrites.  Christians even see Christians as hypocritical.  How do you expect to bring others to Christ when you have, and advocate, and unbeliever heading up your student body?  If you don't want to be a Christian-based institution anymore, then change your name to fit your actions.  You, NCU, are 1 Timothy 1:6-7.

I don't hate Mr. Fromm.  I don't even have any ill feelings toward him.  I am saddened for him.  I hope that through this he will see and feel the love that God has for him.  However, I do have ill feelings for things that he has proclaimed. 

http://gma.yahoo.com/northwest-christian-university-class-president-reveals-hes-atheist-110920428--abc-news-topstories.html

Single Mom/Spiritual Leader Syndrome

How many of us leave church upbeat, motivated, and ready to rule the world!?  We've been fed the spiritual milk we needed as our week came to an end and a new one is to begin.  Why then does it seem sometimes that within 24 hours we have already become frustrated, tired, defeated?  I guess my initial thought to that question would lead me in a different direction than I'm wanting to go here so I'm going to steer clear and ask another question instead :) What if you were trying to do it all by yourself?  For the moment, I don't mean by yourself without the Lord, I mean by yourself with no spouse, no help within your home.  I HATE the phrase "single mom" and rarely say it but what if that is the case whether it be from divorce, death, or just never being married.  Point is, you are there to take care of your household, your children, your schedule, your everything...ALONE.

This is a constant struggle for me.  Ongoing!  It isn't some head and shoulders flow chart where I'm having great weeks feeling like superwoman and then having horrible weeks feeling like the Loser Mom.  I constantly struggle.  But what is it with that I struggle?  Getting done what needs to get done?  Not really.  Having to be the spiritual leader in my home?  Yes.

Before I dive into this I want to make clear that I am NOT condoning divorce or some twisted feminist agenda on raising children alone because "who needs a man".  So don't even go there.  What I am touching on is where I am now in my life - mistakes included - and that is being divorced/single.  This is to be an encouragement on moving forward from where I am, or you are, not justifying future divorce, etc.   

By design, obviously the man is to be the spiritual leader in the home but in regards to this post, that's a moot point right now.  So I am where I am.  Divorced.  Picking up the slack from my consequences of raising my children in my home with no spouse is possible.  Not ideal but possible.  I can find gazillions of verses showing me how to lead my children and point them to the Lord.  I guess what I've been dragging my feet on saying here is more about the practical day to day duties if you will.  What about when I'm tired?  What about if I don't feel like going to church that Sunday morning or Wednesday night?  What if I don't want to volunteer that weekend?  What if I just want to sleep in?  What if I don't want to read scripture or pray before bed that night?  What if I get in a funk, which I often do, and skip out on church or getting in the Word or whatever else for weeks at a time?  What then?  Who leads my children then? Who is there to pick up the slack?  Who is there to tag team with me?  Who is there to encourage me?  Who is there to partner up and take turns or share in the responsibility?  No one.  That is a lot of pressure for a single mom.  As I'm typing this I'm realizing this is probably the case in many marriages too but I won't go there for the time being.  Getting back on track....THAT is where I struggle.  Knowing that if I don't step up, no one will.  I'm not talking about persons outside my home that are great influences for my children - I definitely have many of those.  While I have my church family and those family members and friends who are great role models for my children, it begins in the home.  My home.  "It begins in the home" has seemed to become such a cliche like it's just something to say.  So much of the blame these days is pointed to others yet so many of us want others to raise our children.  I mean which way do you want it people?  The bottom line, however, is that our children are our responsibilities.  It is our parental duty to be an example in how we choose for our children to be as toddlers, children, teenagers, and adults.  The end result in their lives is ultimately their choice but our end result is how we led them.

So how do I stay encouraged to be a Godly role model for my children when I am partly to blame for being in this "single mom" state?  For me, it's two-fold - taking responsibility and accepting grace.  I can't change the past.  I am where I am and I need to accept it and take responsibility for how I got here.  Good news is I did that a while back.  My struggle is the accepting grace part.  How do I, with good and pure intentions, "train up a child in the way he should go" knowing what my responsibilities are and getting over my pity parties yet accept grace all the times I fail?  How do I balance the responsibility of being a Godly example to my children by stepping up to the plate and allowing myself to accept grace as a gift rather than a pass for screwing up?  I keep trying as a mom and as a Christ follower.  In order to do that, I must seek the Lord first.  He has to be my priority before my schedule, my bills, my relationships, and yes my children.  No one said parenting was going to be easy or a joy ride. In fact, its early beginnings are introduced with morning sickness, fatigue, and labor pains. Helloooooooo??!!  

I periodically get in phases when I HATE being in charge.  I HATE being the spiritual leader in my home.  I HATE having to make ALL of the decisions.  I HATE having to decide what or what not to do.  I HATE not being able to say, "I can't handle this right now, you do it." By that point in all instances, I'm over it.  I've already border-lined melted down and tears are flowing while venting to God, my friends, boyfriend, or whoever got the shorter stick in the draw ;)  But, I am then able to wipe the tears from my eyes and the dust from knees and get up. How often I forget but learn from those moments the importance of having Godly people in my life.   Expressing my feelings and frustrations to trusted individuals is the hand that I need in getting up.  Even as encouraging as all that is, what I probably HATE the most though is when I don't know what to do or what direction to go.  It falls on me.  My decision alone and that's scary.  Those trusted individuals can give all the Godly counsel they want but it's up to me.  It's then that I'm reminded head on my need and dependance on Him. 

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up - Galatians 6:9

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer - Romans 12:12

I went in search of some of the most faithful and impactful mothers in the Bible.  How did those women fare in despair or trials or doubts?  How did they make a difference for the Kingdom? 

• Hannah - A barren woman who longed for a child.  As society would have it, she was not favored, looked down upon even.  That had to be hard.  To be viewed from the world as worthless yet still clinging to the Lord for self worth and answered prayers .  Hannah was persistent in her cries to God.  She never stopped asking. Hannah saw the big picture.  It wasn't just about her.  It was about honoring God and through her actions and her son she would.  God heard her and gave her a son, Samuel.  Hannah knew that baby belonged to God and made the choice to return him in order that he may grow to be a Godly man.  Samuel became one of the most influential persons in the Bible.  Hannah reminds me of the importance of praying for our children and ultimately taking a back seat to God in their lives. Can you be any more selfless as a mom?  Wow.  While we are given the responsibility to train them up, it's God's authority that should reign in their life.

• Mary - We think this goes without saying but on the contrary.  Yes, there is the obvious in that she bore the Savior, the sinless and perfect.  But what about her as a person.  She wasn't anyone important.  She had no influence within society.  She was as plain Jane as they come.  She wasn't loud or over-bearing.  She wasn't full of strife or resentment.  She was faithful, trusting.  She was submissive.  She accepted the cards dealt to her.  She didn't fold.  She believed.  She believed God and in God.  Those are two very different things.  She held tight to God's sovereignty and His will.  Not that any great detail is given but I can imagine Mary had her moments in frustration and despair having gone through some of the most heart-wrenching moments in her life.  Can you imagine what happened to Jesus happening to your child yet trusting in God's will to allow it?  A world was changed for it.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it - Hebrews 12:11

Regardless of whether or not there is a male figure in my house isn't excuse for my children to not have a spiritual leader in our home.  My moment-by-moment living should reflect submission, respect, and honor toward Him.  Yes, it's harder work taking care of the day to day things alone but aren't the fruits of your labor worth it?  That has to be what keeps me going at times.  What gives me hope.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it - Proverbs 22:6 

I came across these quotes and they each spoke to me differently but all for the same good:

I cannot tell you how much I owe to the solemn word of my good mother.  - Charles Spurgeon

I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. - Abraham Lincoln

God is looking for imperfect men and women who have learned to walk in moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit. Christians who have come to terms with their inadequacies, fears, and failures. Believers who have become discontent with ‘surviving’ and have taken the time to investigate everything God has to offer in this life. - Charles Stanley

What women rightly long for is spiritual and moral initiative from a man, not spiritual and moral domination. - John Piper

Maybe Three Days In The Belly Of A Fish Wasn't Long Enough

Last week I was feeling led to dive into the book of Joel, a book I had never read.  I wasn't sure why because I didn't even know about the content of the book or what message God was revealing through it.  Not knowing this, Jeffrey happened to quote something that came from the book of Joel one afternoon so I took that as a cue from God for me to go ahead and read it, and with Jeffrey.  He agreed and we each read on our own time and discussed it a few days later.  It was really neat for me to be able to have that experience with Jeffrey and share our thoughts on what the scripture said and how we felt it spoke to us, individually and united. Of course I wanted to share that time again so I was up for reading whatever was next! :)  Ok, so why was I feeling led to go to the book of Jonah?  Seriously?  Another Old Testament book and a book I had never read?  Jeffrey had already started on a different reading plan but said he would catch up with me so I went ahead and started reading Jonah.  I'm a much slower reader than him anyway so it was fine :)  So off I go to read Jonah by myself.

Don't we all know about the book of Jonah?  Isn't the story of Jonah in the belly of a fish something we learn about as children?  Isn't that the first thing that you think about when someone mentions Jonah - a fish?  That's what I always thought about.  I actually never even read the book of Jonah until 2 days ago for 2 reasons.  One - I already knew the story right? Jonah lived in the belly of a fish for 3 days and God saved him.  Done.  Two - Because "I knew" the story it never occurred to me to actually read the book.  I much more enjoy the New Testament writings from Paul and the apostles and any book with the red letters :) Plus, it's a little crazy actually reading about a man who supposedly lived inside a fish, right?

After reading I didn't really have any questions or concerns arise so I drifted off to sleep.  I decided to re-read it last night just to go back over it as I always remember things better through repetition and I wanted to have a refresher course before Jeffrey and I discussed it.  As I read through it the second time, I seemed to be more focused on the actual personal feelings and actions of Jonah - and realized I can be just like him.  The last two verses were wake up calls.  Those verses spoke to me and I didn't really like it to be honest.  

Jonah 4:10-11
¹⁰ But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. ¹¹ And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?”

That was the Lord's final response to Jonah.  Jonah was angry that God was choosing to pour out His grace on the city of Nineveh, which is exactly why Jonah was disobedient in the first place.  Jonah knew the kind of God the Lord was and didn't want a land full of wickedness, who by the way hated his people, to be spared.  He knew when God told him to go to Nineveh to preach to the people and warn them of God's wrath that He would spare them should they repent - and that's exactly what happened.  

How many times have we wanted revenge?  Wanted someone to suffer for their consequences? How many times does it make us furious to see someone live in constant sin apart from God and seem to prosper?  How often do we get taken advantage of, lied to, or betrayed by someone who seems to have no conscience about it?  We want them to pay for it.  We are hurt so we want them to hurt.  If we are honest, how many times do we get mad at God for showing someone grace who we feel doesn't deserve it?  Why should they get immediate grace and begin a road to confession and healing when we are still hurt by their actions?  That doesn't seem right does it?  How can we not be in the wrong yet suffer longer than the person that wronged us?  What if they wronged our loved one?  I know I have felt all of those emotions.   But I also have to remember that I was given that exact grace that I sometimes don't want others to receive just yet.

I'm sort of back tracking here but aren't those emotions the exact reasons that we choose to deliberately be disobedient like Jonah?  God gave Jonah two commands.  #1 - Go to Nineveh and #2 - Preach to the people there.  He didn't suggest it, He told Jonah to do it.  Jonah didn't want to give the people a chance to repent from his preaching so he fled, choosing to live in knowing disobedience.  I say knowing because it wasn't something Jonah was confused about or needed to pray about to see if it was really God telling him to go.  He knew it.  Because of Jonah's decision to flee, he was stuck at sea alone for 3 days nearly dying.  However, even in the midst of Jonah's clear disobedience, God saved him.  Jonah had a second chance to do what God asked of him and so he did.  Did Jonah deserve grace?  Here is someone, a prophet used by God, who would ultimately change the fate of a people group.  Seems to be a man pretty in tune with God and recognizes His voice don't you think?  Shouldn't he be held to a higher standard?  Or should he?  Do we, as a society, sometimes give a pass to those who "just don't know" yet seem to watch those who claim righteousness, through Christ, through a microscope waiting for them to fail so we can tear them apart because of it?  I guess my point is, we all need grace.  We all need forgiveness.  We all need someone who will fight for us. Nineveh needed grace.  That city needed someone who would bring the word of  God to them. They needed Jonah's intervention on their behalf.  God sent Jonah to fight for His people. Whether or not Jonah wanted to complete the mission God had given him, God still used it not only to save the people of Nineveh but to glorify Himself.  God also seized the opportunity to teach Jonah a lesson...and show him saving grace as well.

Jonah wanted justice.  He wanted them to suffer consequences for their wicked ways.  Why should they get away with acting like heathens then just be forgiven with the snap of a finger? Jonah became so consumed with God's grace over the people of Nineveh that he'd rather die that continue to see it.  As Chapter 4 wraps up, while Jonah is camped out waiting to see the fate of the city, he had taken shelter under the shade of a type of plant God provided.  The next day, the plant was eaten and destroyed by a worm and made Jonah even more angry.  Not only was he emotionally miserable, he was physically miserable too. This is where the last two verses of the book that I mentioned spoke to me personally.  Here they are again...

Jonah 4:10-11
¹⁰ But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. ¹¹ And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?”

In direct response to the verses, Jonah was so focused on something, a mere plant, that had a lifespan of less than a 24 hours.  He was comforted by that plant.  When it was taken away, he was furious beyond control that he'd rather die?  To care and mourn over something that he had nothing to do with, his hands had no part in creating, his heart which had no compassion for the breath of life that came from that plant, nor did he do anything to sustain or help sustain the life of that plant.  He only took from it and gave nothing to it or for it.  He cared for it none, expect for the fact that it helped him.  And yet Jonah gets so full of rage over a caring and gracious God who wants to save His children?  Children that He created, breathed life into, provided for, and receives nothing from.  Not only children that He knew before they were knit together in their mother's womb, but lost children.  Children who needed His grace.  His love.  His patience.  His pursuit of them.  Jonah just expected God to have no compassion for His most prized possession?  Reminds me of Matthew chapter 6 when Jesus speaks about worrying.  The birds in air, reap and sow nothing, yet God takes care of them, feeds them.  And yes Jesus talks about plants and how the flowers grow in the field. without even laboring.  He sustains their life.  Jesus specifically says in verse 30, "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you-you of little faith?"  Remember that plant that gave shade to Jonah, here today and gone tomorrow?  Jesus even said it!  Jonah's focus and perspective was on that which was not God's heart.  It was about his heart.

Sometimes it's so hard to put aside our hearts for God's.  Again, another glimpse into Matthew chapter 6....verse 21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also".  We need to be more about the business of what's eternally treasured instead of what's temporarily gained.

God clearly speaks through scripture that He desires no one to perish, both in the Old and New Testament.

Ezekiel 18:32 - For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD.  Repent and live!

1 Timothy 2:3-4 - This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth.

So what can I learn from Jonah?

• To be obedient upon God's calling even when I don't want to.  Running away in disobedience sets me apart from Him.  Those consequences affect not only myself but others around me.
• To admit the error of my ways and cry out to God in repentance.
• To understand that my grievances affect others.
• The lost and wicked should be prayed for and pursued, not forgotten and turned a blind eye to.
• I am not judger, God is.  
• I am not to be a slave to vengeance.  God is my Avenger.
• To be reminded that I was given grace and deserved it no more than those who I choose to be angry at or desire vengeance against.
• That God loves all of His children and that I am no more loved or less loved than those who don't know Him.
• To be more focused on the repentance and changed heart of others versus seeing God's wrath poured out upon them for wrong doings.
• When God puts someone on my heart to love or pray for or be the hands and feet of Christ to that I want no part of, do it anyway.  That's the Gospel.

The Poster Child For All Things Bad

If I had a penny for every time I have felt inadequate, insecure, unworthy, or not good enough I could pay off the national debt.  I have spent most of my life believing I was less than mediocre.  I could never accept a compliment or encouragement from anyone.  My sweet friend, Dana, comes to mind because she likes to throw in "pretty" or "beautiful" remarks to me because she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable, and with that, I should get over myself and my insecurities.  Ok, well....now she doesn't exactly word that last part like that but I know what she means ;)  I remember years ago one of my former co-workers giving me a compliment and I sort of wrote it off.  Her response was for me to learn to take a compliment. My grandmother would constantly ask me why I was so insecure and didn't have any self-esteem.  She would always tell me how beautiful or smart I was.  I took it as her being my grandmother and that's just what grandmothers say to their granddaughters.  If I'm honest, I can't say that I have completely overcome that hurdle of accepting sweet gestures but I have gotten better.  I try to just say thank you but it's hard still and doesn't come naturally for me.

I would say that these past few years I have been trying to embrace myself in the eyes of God. To see myself how He sees me.  To think of myself how He thinks of me.  To present myself how He presents me.  But how do I want to present myself?  As a woman who is fixated on whether or not my make-up is perfect or if my hair is styled and sprayed to perfection?  Or a woman who is obsessed with having the perfect outfit on for the day when that day may only involve going to the grocery store or school?  A woman who can't leave the house until her children are bathed and dressed to the T otherwise it may reflect on my character as a mom? While I definitely don't want to always walk around looking like I just rolled up out of the bed - wait, I kinda do that anyway :/ - or am dressed in a potato sack, I don't want my outwardly appearance to be my top priority for the day.  I don't want those things to be my goals for the day.  It's not even only about outwardly appearances; it's outwardly actions.  So what does that mean or look like?  Putting on a mask to cover up the heart.  Walking around with a smile on my face while I'm breaking inside.  Saying "I'm fine" when I am on the brink of tears.  Not opening up to the women in my life or with people who matter that God gave me for a reason such as this.  Pretending as if I have nothing to get over when all the while I am harboring harsh feelings towards others.  Acting as if I'm a saint by feeding the hungry or volunteering at the local shelter while ignoring my children at home.  These things are not what God has in store for us as women, and certainly not as His daughters.  So again, I ask, who do I want to be presented as?

Several weeks back, I was given an assignment.  I was to look over the names of God.  There were 17 names on this list.  As I looked over the names, I felt not much of anything.  I was in the midst of a bad week and was just not seeming to connect with God in that moment.  As I continued to stare at the names, only one spoke to me.  The name was Jehovah-Nissi.  It means The LORD is my Banner.  Now this name wasn't speaking to me because of who I thought I was.  It is who I want to be.  I want my presence to reflect that of "The LORD is my Banner"!  I want everything that I say or do to exude what comes from Him.  I want everything that I long for or desire in this life to be about Him.  I want to be pleasing to Him.  I want to be a God fearing woman.  That is who I want to be presented as. 

When I think of a banner, I think of a large sign that sums up what it is being hung over or around.  I would like to think that instead of yearning to have a halo over my head, I have a great big sign written in the most glorious colors and beautiful font THE LORD IS MY BANNER.  I have said too many times to count to my daughter, "Don't make the same mistakes I did.  I am the poster child of what NOT to do."  A poster child.  I have always presented myself as the forefront for bad choices and horrible decisions and was giving myself banners of SHAME or NOT GOOD ENOUGH or MY PAST IS TOO BIG FOR YOU GOD.  I was unknowingly parading around town with those banners reflecting that of only the enemy.

You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jeruselem, as majestic as troops with banners - SOS 6:4

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised - Proverbs 31:30

One night last summer, I left the home of some sweet friends after sharing some time of intimate conversation, healing, and prayer.  When I got in my car to leave, I immediately turned on the radio.  The commercial break was wrapping up and before I got to the end of the street, a song came on the radio.  It was Beautiful You by Trent Monk.  I believe, in that divine appointment, the Lord was telling me through the words in that song that even in the midst of His glory and majesty and all that He has created, He sees me.  Not only does He see me but He sees me as beautiful.  While I tend to view God as Creator, or Judge, or Disciplinarian, He allowed me to see Him as my Father; like a father spending time with his young daughter dancing and singing and playing.  It was a sweet moment for me.

Just a few days ago I believe God wanted to tell me that Jehovah-Nissi can be my personal banner.  I was away from home and sat down at a table for breakfast one morning.  Each chair was occupied except the one sitting to my right.  I looked over and noticed a name plate with a cup of coffee sitting next to it.  I leaned forward to read the name and it said Jehovah-Nissi, The LORD is my Banner.  I thought I was going to fall out of my seat.  Now if that wasn't an invitation to proclaim that banner then I don't know what is :)

When my time here on this earth is coming to a close, I want to look back knowing, not wondering, but knowing I lived a life honoring and pleasing to God.  Not only do I want to know, I want others to know by how I lived my life.  In those moments, I long to feel the lyrics of Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord).....

And on that day when my strength is failing
the end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner - Exodus 17:15

Excuse Me, You're Blocking My Sun

I remember one particular summer day many many years ago when I was a teenager.  We lived across from the clubhouse so during summer break I would walk across the street and lay out at the swimming pool for hours at a time with some of my girlfriends that lived in the neighborhood.  On this said day, a group showed up at the clubhouse and was walking around talking to everyone.  Now, I don't do well talking to people I don't know so the no eye contact had to be enforced on my part and I certainly did not want to be bombarded by a group of individuals interrupting my tanning time as I badly needed those sun rays to interact with all that baby oil (or butter if I was out of oil) I had smothered myself with in order to give me that deep dark tan that I desperately wanted.  I mean I was on a mission for crying out loud and was soon needing to spray my hair with more lemon juice once the allotted time had passed since I had previously spritzed.  Plus, it's really hard to hear Mark & Brian, Jimbo Wood, and the jams of my favorite station I-95 when someone is trying to speak to you over the sound of the radio.  So what happened?  Of course they stopped and talked to us.  I honestly don't even remembered what all they said to us or how long they stood there blocking those precious sun rays but out of that entire conversation, there has been only one thing that I have ever remembered.  One of the guys in the group was sitting next to me and he asked me if I was a Christian.  I must have looked ridiculously confused because he then asked if I knew what a Christian was.  I then replied, "Oh yeah". 

How stupid I must have looked.  I don't even remember if he kept pressing me, prayed over me, or continued the conversation.  My guess would be all of those things but for whatever reason I don't remember.  I was so clueless at that time in my life.  So worldly.  So self absorbed....and apparently Vitamin D sufficient.  All I cared about in those moments was having fun and getting a nice tan.  I may have even fit in lunchtime if I was feeling light headed that day from not eating anything earlier as I would have basically slept until it was time to get "fixed up" for the pool, ignoring breakfast.  I could have cared less why those people were there and certainly did not know God, other than that He created the universe.  I bet those individuals would have loved to have a nice summer day relaxing by the pool with no worries but instead they were sacrificing.  I thought they were wasting a perfectly great day but in reality I was. They were out in 95 degree weather spreading the Gospel only to be denied and rejected who knows how many times my little punks like myself.  God was pursing me through those men and women who I looked at with my dim, dark, empty eyes yet thinking I was glowing all the while.  How weary those who carry out the work of the Lord must get sometimes when they seem to get nothing in return except bad attitudes, strange stares, ugly comments, and pure shut out.  But the Lord promises more.  In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. We were even reminded of this long before Jesus came to this earth.  Isaiah 40:31 tells us but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Years later God was gracious enough to pour out His mercy upon me and save me from a life apart from Him.  My father was not a Christian at the time and I remember sitting next to him in church one day.  Weeks, maybe a couple months prior, he began to seemingly show an interest in learning more about this God or Savior or whoever He was.  On that morning, it was the time during the service where the congregation was up singing hymns from our hymnals.  I was standing next to my father and I literally began shaking and could feel my heart beating so hard that I felt it was about to explode.  I kept thinking, "Ask him.  Just ask him if he wants me to walk up front with him.  He'll just say no.  He'll get mad if I ask.  I don't want to make him uncomfortable, God."  As the music and singing stopped, I knew I had missed my opportunity.  I felt sick.  I believed I was clearly having the Holy Spirit moving within me to invite my father to ask Jesus to be his Lord and Savior and I didn't because I was scared of my father's rejection.  Unintentionally, I was willing to risk my father spending an eternity in hell over my feelings being hurt by him saying no.  God has never allowed that memory to leave my mind.  My father eventually accepted Christ.

Proverbs 29:25 - Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. 

2 Timothy tells us that God does not give us a spirit of fear or timidity but rather power and love and self discipline.  

From the lips of FDR, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  

What about the Chris Tomlin song, Whom Shall I Fear?

I know who goes before me 
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
is always by my side.
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
the God of angel armies
is always by my side.
Nothing formed against me shall stand!

Sharing the Gospel is not a suggestion.  It is a command.  

Mark 16:15 - He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation." 

Matthew 28:18-20 - Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." 

The psalmist reminds us in Psalm 107:2 saying, Let the redeemed of the LORD share their story, for they have been delivered from the hand of the foe.  

Paul encourages us in 2 Corinthians 9:13 - Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.

I am thankful beyond measure for God's grace.  I am thankful that I still remember those precious souls that came to the clubhouse that day.  I am thankful that my father's eternity wasn't totally dependent on my reaction that day in church.  I am thankful that God has a pursuant heart and doesn't turn His back on me even when I turn mine on Him.  I am thankful that He chooses to use us as His tools to bring others to Him.  I am thankful that I don't get an eternity which I deserve.  I am thankful.

Prayer, The Lifeblood

How many times do we think our prayers go unanswered, are answered incorrectly, or take too long to be answered?  How often do we pray?  Why do we pray?  Goes God even hear our prayers?  For whom do we pray?  Do we pray for others when we say we will?  I often ask myself those exact questions.

As I have recently been trying to embark on a new journey called humility with a side of "quick to listen, slow to speak" I have found myself learning more about the heart of God and how that compares to the heart of Lisa.  That in itself takes a huge amount of humility!  I love to speak my mind.  Always have.  My family can attest to that!  It didn't even have to be anything of importance.  I was just going to always put my two cents in no matter what.  It wasn't something that I thought about, I just did it.  I am still very much like that.  God has been showing me that no matter what I say or how I feel, I need to have a heart that reflects His and with that will come the words.  If my words reflect my heart, then what does that say about my prayers?  In order to pray in God's Will, I need to have God's heart.  That means to sometimes speak less, listen more, pray fervently and faithfully, and put my will aside for God's.  It means to "Be still, and know that I am God".

So many of us have a hard time praying aloud.  For me, it was always a feeling of not sounding reverent enough.  I never learned how to pray and never thought of it as just talking to God.  In my teen years, I only heard my pastor pray during church service.  I certainly didn't have the words that he had and thought that is how praying should sound; very formal and eloquent.  Plus, those were just words to me.  When I did come to know Christ, I still felt like I needed to sound a certain way.  It wasn't until God led me to a ladies small group almost 4 1/2 years ago that I found out what it meant to pray and how real, true, genuine prayers sounded....AND were answered!  I am in no way saying that how a pastor prays is not real or genuine, I'm just saying it isn't the only way to pray.  God wants our heart.  If that means begging God then beg.  If that means crying so hard that you can hardly breathe or compose a rational thought then bawl your eyes out and and say whatever comes out of your mouth.  If that means giving God thanks for your day then give thanks.  If that means telling God that you don't even know what to say or how to express your feelings tell Him that.  If that means asking God to just get you through a moment or the day, then ask that of Him.  If that means telling God that you don't understand something or why He is doing something then tell Him. You would be surprised at how He will answer you.  If that means telling God that you don't even want to be praying and bringing this before Him, then tell Him that.  You'll be surprised where your prayer will go from there.  Friends, I have prayed all of these prayers and that's why I shared them with you.  God wants to hear from us no matter what.  I have prayed these prayers alone sitting on my bed and have prayed these prayers with my girlfriends.  The power behind the transparency and vulnerability that you release will blow your mind away.  There is no time minimum or time limit with God.  A 30 second prayer can be just as powerful as a 3 minute prayer as long as you are real with God.  He does NOT want mere words.  He does NOT want meaningless repetition.  From the lips of Jesus, “And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words”.

I believe prayer is the lifeblood of walking through faith with God.  Prayer was not intended for superficial reward.  It isn't to get what we want.  It isn't to make us better people.  It isn't to make God love us more.  It isn't used to tell God what is going on.  It isn't for God period.  It's for us.  It's to bring us closer to God.  It's a reminder of our dependency and submission to Him.  It's a way to be in fellowship with Him.  It's a reminder of sacrifice when we lift up others to Him.  It IS how we talk to God!  

I have also found that praying for others is a gift.  Those moments that I have literally bawled in my car on the way to school praying for others changed my heart immediately.  My mindset was different.  My pity party that seemed to have started earlier that morning was gone.  The times that I lie in bed begging for others falling asleep in my tears are precious moments with Him.  These are the times when I'm closest to God.  Praying for others can be such a selfless act and brings true humility before the Lord.  To know that you can actually pray on behalf of a loved one or even a complete stranger is humbling to say the least.  It is also quite a position to hold and is to be taken seriously.  My first revelation to this responsibility was earlier this year.  God truly blessed me with a new friendship about a year ago with one of the most God fearing women I've ever known.  One particular day she shared a few things from the books of Ezekiel and Isaiah.  With permission, here is an excerpt of her email...

A "watchman" is literally someone who guards or protects.  How cool is that?!  Most of what's found in the Word is in Ezekiel, where God calls Ezekiel to be His watchman over the house of Israel (mainly in chapters 3 and 33).  As I read about Ezekiel's responsibility, I was stuck by the level of accountability the Lord held him to.  He was held accountable for their "blood" - their lives, their eternities.  Obviously, we are not called to hear from the Lord and speak warnings to God's people about their sin as Ezekiel did. (Ha!)  But as I read, I just couldn't help but think that we will be held accountable for how well we pray for our ladies.  Will we be intentional?  Will we fight for them?  Will we sacrifice our spare time for them?  Will I give up flipping through my latest issue of InStyle for more time to pray?  It just made me realize once again, that our call to pray isn't one to be taken lightly.  Isaiah 62:6 says this about our role, "I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest."  A high calling, ladies! 

As I read her email, I felt the weight of this responsibility that I was called to carry.  It scared me.  I felt totally inadequate.  I remember just crying over the burden of this.  But...this is biblical.  I was reminded of Galatians 6:2 that says Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. God already had this covered.  He had it covered when He allowed Christ to be born to die.  Christ carried the burden for us and we are to do the same for others.  While we aren't anyone's savior, we are to walk through life together no matter the circumstances.  Getting back to Rita's email, that Isaiah 62:6 verse really speaks volumes. Give yourselves no rest.  Wow.  Those hurting and struggling around us need our prayers. That's plural, friends.  Prayers.  Not just a one time prayer.  Prayers.

I guess my point to sharing the importance of intercession is that it shouldn't be taken lightly. I often wonder how many times when I hear or read, "Praying", "Praying for you", "You are in my prayers",  if that's really the case.  Has it become so instinctual to say those words just the same way we ask someone how they are?  As much as I covet prayers from those who will take them before the Throne, I don't want to hear "Praying for you" if you aren't.  

One last thing I would like to share is how God meets us exactly where we are - even by the tiniest cries for Him, the not-so-formal prayers and pleas.  With her permission, I am sharing an experience earlier this week from my new sweet friend.  In a nutshell, she was overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy .  Overwhelmed period.  Telling God, "I can't do this."  Actually I'll stand corrected... she said she was talking to God and telling him, "I can't do this" and His response was, "I got this.  Just be still."  Hmmm....having a conversation with God?  Talking to God?  Sounds a bit like prayer to me.  Aaaaand, I'd be willing to bet it wasn't very formal and eloquent but what do I know since I wasn't there, right? ;)  Anyway, without going any further I think you get the idea.  In that moment, God revealed Himself to her.  When I tell you how, it will seem pretty normal.  It was through a rainbow.  I know we've all seen rainbows before right?  This time it meant something.  So many times, God is right in front of our faces shining His glory before us and we don't even recognize it.  So many times we miss out on hearing God.  We pray yet don't listen.  We pray then move on with our day.  We pray then don't think about it again until the next time we pray about it.  We pray and don't seek His answer.  How many times have we walked passed something in our home only to one day run smack into it.  We felt it!  Going forward, we notice it and know it's there!  Doesn't mean it wasn't there before that moment when it hit us like a ton of bricks!  When we seek God and BAM, He's there, you know it!  That rainbow was God in all of His Majesty saying, "We have a covenant.  I am with you.  Be still.  Trust me.  I got this.  I LOVE YOU!" 

Having the honor to get to share in her moment knowing what she was feeling in those exact seconds is priceless.  She took a video and I honestly can say I have never seen a bigger more vibrant, beautiful rainbow in my life.