The Great I AM. That is who God keeps telling me that He is. LORD. Yahweh - a name hardly even spoken by some because of its holiness. So holy and complete that it is unfathomable; yet, He chooses to interact with me. He chooses to take time to communicate with me even though I am not so pleasing to be around.
As I started off another day this morning just feeling burdened and hurt and emotional and stressed, I decided to have a pity party and have an attitude about it. I knew I was totally out of line by doing so but I pressed on in completely making my morning not so pleasant. Let me set the stage for you..
I received news yesterday that one of my former co-workers had passed away this past weekend. I had not seen him in a few years since I had left that business back in 2008. However, I have such fond memories of Leo and my time working with him in our office downtown. Since finding out the news of his passing, I was taken down memory lane these past two days. Needless to say, I had a strong desire to attend his funeral that was scheduled for this morning. I knew it may be a struggle to go to the funeral since I had a test this morning for one of my classes. Ok so that's life, right? Deal with it.
I just began to have such harsh feelings about my situation and how ridiculous it is that here I am, a 38 year old, in college trying to get a degree. Shouldn't that have been done 20 years ago? Now I can't even go to my friend's funeral because I have to take a stupid test because I'm in college...again....at 38 years of age. I had not heard from my professor about possibly leaving after taking the test, which irritated me more - like it was even her obligation to sit in front of her computer checking emails throughout the night. She was totally not in the wrong but this was just my mindset this morning. I continue going down this self destructing attitude even as I'm heading to class - decked out in my black suit in case I can go to the funeral by some chance. I receive a phone call from my boyfriend checking on me and I just began griping about my morning....and my life. Blah blah blah....
I decided to play Great I Am by New Life Worship after I got off the phone. Still with my attitude going on, I began just thinking how I KNOW I'm being a spoiled brat and totally ridiculous and well, God doesn't hesitate to back me up on that. He is reminding me that He is the Great I AM. He is bigger and more important than my pity party. Was I seriously letting myself say aloud that I am sick of my life and where I am in it? How ungrateful and self absorbed can I be? I mean talk about overreacting!
God reminded me of when Jesus had a particular man telling Him that he would follow Him but to let him say good-bye to his family. Jesus' response was "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Another man wanted to go back and bury his father before following Jesus. Jesus' response was "Let the dead bury their own dead but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Doesn't that seem a little harsh? All they wanted to do was say good-bye, pay their respects. What's the big deal with that? Couldn't Jesus lighten up a bit? Umm..no. The Great I AM doesn't need to lighten up for anything. I needed to lighten up. Jesus felt it necessary to tell these men, who just wanted to say good-bye to their loved ones, to move forward and follow Him yet I'm pouting because I possibly can't go say good-bye to someone I haven't seen or talked to in several years? Something is wrong with that picture. Look, nothing was wrong with wanting to go to the funeral and being sad that it may not happen. What was wrong was that I was acting like a child about something quite petty in the big scheme of things. And to dare say that I have issue with my spoiled life was beyond ridiculous. What God reminded me of was that maybe I should be that passionate for Him. Sad and angry that I can't spend time with Him because of this or that. Sad or angry that I put other things or people ahead of Him. In the end, God still graciously decided to make it possible for me to attend the funeral and I did so. Totally undeserving of His grace and mercy, He gave it again this morning.
God continues to bless me more than I possibly deserve. He continues to be faithful and present even when I am not to Him. He continues to pursue me even when I don't pursue Him. He continues to reveal His love to me even when I don't love Him. He continues to do for me what I can't do for Him. I owe Him everything and He owes me nothing yet He gives me all I need and more. God is a jealous God. He wants my affections, attention, and life. God chose to have Christ give His life for me, a physical brutal death, so why is it so hard to give my life to Him sometimes? God isn't asking me to be brutally beaten, spit upon, flogged, or have nails driven through my hands or feet. He isn't asking me to endure hours upon hours of being mocked, judged, or tortured. He is simply wanting me to give a life of devotion and honor to Him. He is the Great I AM for crying out loud. What ELSE would he require of me? Anything less than total commitment to Him would be pointless.
Part of my reason for sharing this today is to obviously share how God works in my life but more so to be real and honest about how we Christians still struggle, have bad days, bad attitudes, and have pity parties. Even as I proclaim my faith in Christ, I don't ever want to come across as having it all together because I have Christ in my life. Although, I don't hesitate to say that my family and friends would second that motion in fully conveying that I don't have it all together and far from it! Christians are not perfect humans because we are Christians. We don't have a life of bliss without struggles, hardships, pit falls, or demons to fight. We live in sin every day - throughout the day! True Christians don't live a life parallel to the world but we do mess up. A lot. True Christians don't use their faith as an avenue to use legalism as a scapegoat to twist what they want to do or not do. True Christians don't judge but rather hold others accountable in love and allow themselves to be held accountable as well. True Christians don't walk around with their heads held high because they are better than the rest. We walk around full of humility desperately seeking God each and every day to deliver us from evil and lead us not into temptation because without His help, we will be obliterated....and we know this! We are not perfect but that doesn't give us the right to use that reason in vain.
What I am perfect in though is Christ. That may sound like a cliche or some "Christian talk" but it's reality. For that I am humbly grateful.
God almighty Great I AM, Who is worthy? None beside Thee.
No comments:
Post a Comment