Maybe Three Days In The Belly Of A Fish Wasn't Long Enough

Last week I was feeling led to dive into the book of Joel, a book I had never read.  I wasn't sure why because I didn't even know about the content of the book or what message God was revealing through it.  Not knowing this, Jeffrey happened to quote something that came from the book of Joel one afternoon so I took that as a cue from God for me to go ahead and read it, and with Jeffrey.  He agreed and we each read on our own time and discussed it a few days later.  It was really neat for me to be able to have that experience with Jeffrey and share our thoughts on what the scripture said and how we felt it spoke to us, individually and united. Of course I wanted to share that time again so I was up for reading whatever was next! :)  Ok, so why was I feeling led to go to the book of Jonah?  Seriously?  Another Old Testament book and a book I had never read?  Jeffrey had already started on a different reading plan but said he would catch up with me so I went ahead and started reading Jonah.  I'm a much slower reader than him anyway so it was fine :)  So off I go to read Jonah by myself.

Don't we all know about the book of Jonah?  Isn't the story of Jonah in the belly of a fish something we learn about as children?  Isn't that the first thing that you think about when someone mentions Jonah - a fish?  That's what I always thought about.  I actually never even read the book of Jonah until 2 days ago for 2 reasons.  One - I already knew the story right? Jonah lived in the belly of a fish for 3 days and God saved him.  Done.  Two - Because "I knew" the story it never occurred to me to actually read the book.  I much more enjoy the New Testament writings from Paul and the apostles and any book with the red letters :) Plus, it's a little crazy actually reading about a man who supposedly lived inside a fish, right?

After reading I didn't really have any questions or concerns arise so I drifted off to sleep.  I decided to re-read it last night just to go back over it as I always remember things better through repetition and I wanted to have a refresher course before Jeffrey and I discussed it.  As I read through it the second time, I seemed to be more focused on the actual personal feelings and actions of Jonah - and realized I can be just like him.  The last two verses were wake up calls.  Those verses spoke to me and I didn't really like it to be honest.  

Jonah 4:10-11
¹⁰ But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. ¹¹ And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?”

That was the Lord's final response to Jonah.  Jonah was angry that God was choosing to pour out His grace on the city of Nineveh, which is exactly why Jonah was disobedient in the first place.  Jonah knew the kind of God the Lord was and didn't want a land full of wickedness, who by the way hated his people, to be spared.  He knew when God told him to go to Nineveh to preach to the people and warn them of God's wrath that He would spare them should they repent - and that's exactly what happened.  

How many times have we wanted revenge?  Wanted someone to suffer for their consequences? How many times does it make us furious to see someone live in constant sin apart from God and seem to prosper?  How often do we get taken advantage of, lied to, or betrayed by someone who seems to have no conscience about it?  We want them to pay for it.  We are hurt so we want them to hurt.  If we are honest, how many times do we get mad at God for showing someone grace who we feel doesn't deserve it?  Why should they get immediate grace and begin a road to confession and healing when we are still hurt by their actions?  That doesn't seem right does it?  How can we not be in the wrong yet suffer longer than the person that wronged us?  What if they wronged our loved one?  I know I have felt all of those emotions.   But I also have to remember that I was given that exact grace that I sometimes don't want others to receive just yet.

I'm sort of back tracking here but aren't those emotions the exact reasons that we choose to deliberately be disobedient like Jonah?  God gave Jonah two commands.  #1 - Go to Nineveh and #2 - Preach to the people there.  He didn't suggest it, He told Jonah to do it.  Jonah didn't want to give the people a chance to repent from his preaching so he fled, choosing to live in knowing disobedience.  I say knowing because it wasn't something Jonah was confused about or needed to pray about to see if it was really God telling him to go.  He knew it.  Because of Jonah's decision to flee, he was stuck at sea alone for 3 days nearly dying.  However, even in the midst of Jonah's clear disobedience, God saved him.  Jonah had a second chance to do what God asked of him and so he did.  Did Jonah deserve grace?  Here is someone, a prophet used by God, who would ultimately change the fate of a people group.  Seems to be a man pretty in tune with God and recognizes His voice don't you think?  Shouldn't he be held to a higher standard?  Or should he?  Do we, as a society, sometimes give a pass to those who "just don't know" yet seem to watch those who claim righteousness, through Christ, through a microscope waiting for them to fail so we can tear them apart because of it?  I guess my point is, we all need grace.  We all need forgiveness.  We all need someone who will fight for us. Nineveh needed grace.  That city needed someone who would bring the word of  God to them. They needed Jonah's intervention on their behalf.  God sent Jonah to fight for His people. Whether or not Jonah wanted to complete the mission God had given him, God still used it not only to save the people of Nineveh but to glorify Himself.  God also seized the opportunity to teach Jonah a lesson...and show him saving grace as well.

Jonah wanted justice.  He wanted them to suffer consequences for their wicked ways.  Why should they get away with acting like heathens then just be forgiven with the snap of a finger? Jonah became so consumed with God's grace over the people of Nineveh that he'd rather die that continue to see it.  As Chapter 4 wraps up, while Jonah is camped out waiting to see the fate of the city, he had taken shelter under the shade of a type of plant God provided.  The next day, the plant was eaten and destroyed by a worm and made Jonah even more angry.  Not only was he emotionally miserable, he was physically miserable too. This is where the last two verses of the book that I mentioned spoke to me personally.  Here they are again...

Jonah 4:10-11
¹⁰ But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. ¹¹ And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?”

In direct response to the verses, Jonah was so focused on something, a mere plant, that had a lifespan of less than a 24 hours.  He was comforted by that plant.  When it was taken away, he was furious beyond control that he'd rather die?  To care and mourn over something that he had nothing to do with, his hands had no part in creating, his heart which had no compassion for the breath of life that came from that plant, nor did he do anything to sustain or help sustain the life of that plant.  He only took from it and gave nothing to it or for it.  He cared for it none, expect for the fact that it helped him.  And yet Jonah gets so full of rage over a caring and gracious God who wants to save His children?  Children that He created, breathed life into, provided for, and receives nothing from.  Not only children that He knew before they were knit together in their mother's womb, but lost children.  Children who needed His grace.  His love.  His patience.  His pursuit of them.  Jonah just expected God to have no compassion for His most prized possession?  Reminds me of Matthew chapter 6 when Jesus speaks about worrying.  The birds in air, reap and sow nothing, yet God takes care of them, feeds them.  And yes Jesus talks about plants and how the flowers grow in the field. without even laboring.  He sustains their life.  Jesus specifically says in verse 30, "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you-you of little faith?"  Remember that plant that gave shade to Jonah, here today and gone tomorrow?  Jesus even said it!  Jonah's focus and perspective was on that which was not God's heart.  It was about his heart.

Sometimes it's so hard to put aside our hearts for God's.  Again, another glimpse into Matthew chapter 6....verse 21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also".  We need to be more about the business of what's eternally treasured instead of what's temporarily gained.

God clearly speaks through scripture that He desires no one to perish, both in the Old and New Testament.

Ezekiel 18:32 - For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD.  Repent and live!

1 Timothy 2:3-4 - This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth.

So what can I learn from Jonah?

• To be obedient upon God's calling even when I don't want to.  Running away in disobedience sets me apart from Him.  Those consequences affect not only myself but others around me.
• To admit the error of my ways and cry out to God in repentance.
• To understand that my grievances affect others.
• The lost and wicked should be prayed for and pursued, not forgotten and turned a blind eye to.
• I am not judger, God is.  
• I am not to be a slave to vengeance.  God is my Avenger.
• To be reminded that I was given grace and deserved it no more than those who I choose to be angry at or desire vengeance against.
• That God loves all of His children and that I am no more loved or less loved than those who don't know Him.
• To be more focused on the repentance and changed heart of others versus seeing God's wrath poured out upon them for wrong doings.
• When God puts someone on my heart to love or pray for or be the hands and feet of Christ to that I want no part of, do it anyway.  That's the Gospel.

The Poster Child For All Things Bad

If I had a penny for every time I have felt inadequate, insecure, unworthy, or not good enough I could pay off the national debt.  I have spent most of my life believing I was less than mediocre.  I could never accept a compliment or encouragement from anyone.  My sweet friend, Dana, comes to mind because she likes to throw in "pretty" or "beautiful" remarks to me because she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable, and with that, I should get over myself and my insecurities.  Ok, well....now she doesn't exactly word that last part like that but I know what she means ;)  I remember years ago one of my former co-workers giving me a compliment and I sort of wrote it off.  Her response was for me to learn to take a compliment. My grandmother would constantly ask me why I was so insecure and didn't have any self-esteem.  She would always tell me how beautiful or smart I was.  I took it as her being my grandmother and that's just what grandmothers say to their granddaughters.  If I'm honest, I can't say that I have completely overcome that hurdle of accepting sweet gestures but I have gotten better.  I try to just say thank you but it's hard still and doesn't come naturally for me.

I would say that these past few years I have been trying to embrace myself in the eyes of God. To see myself how He sees me.  To think of myself how He thinks of me.  To present myself how He presents me.  But how do I want to present myself?  As a woman who is fixated on whether or not my make-up is perfect or if my hair is styled and sprayed to perfection?  Or a woman who is obsessed with having the perfect outfit on for the day when that day may only involve going to the grocery store or school?  A woman who can't leave the house until her children are bathed and dressed to the T otherwise it may reflect on my character as a mom? While I definitely don't want to always walk around looking like I just rolled up out of the bed - wait, I kinda do that anyway :/ - or am dressed in a potato sack, I don't want my outwardly appearance to be my top priority for the day.  I don't want those things to be my goals for the day.  It's not even only about outwardly appearances; it's outwardly actions.  So what does that mean or look like?  Putting on a mask to cover up the heart.  Walking around with a smile on my face while I'm breaking inside.  Saying "I'm fine" when I am on the brink of tears.  Not opening up to the women in my life or with people who matter that God gave me for a reason such as this.  Pretending as if I have nothing to get over when all the while I am harboring harsh feelings towards others.  Acting as if I'm a saint by feeding the hungry or volunteering at the local shelter while ignoring my children at home.  These things are not what God has in store for us as women, and certainly not as His daughters.  So again, I ask, who do I want to be presented as?

Several weeks back, I was given an assignment.  I was to look over the names of God.  There were 17 names on this list.  As I looked over the names, I felt not much of anything.  I was in the midst of a bad week and was just not seeming to connect with God in that moment.  As I continued to stare at the names, only one spoke to me.  The name was Jehovah-Nissi.  It means The LORD is my Banner.  Now this name wasn't speaking to me because of who I thought I was.  It is who I want to be.  I want my presence to reflect that of "The LORD is my Banner"!  I want everything that I say or do to exude what comes from Him.  I want everything that I long for or desire in this life to be about Him.  I want to be pleasing to Him.  I want to be a God fearing woman.  That is who I want to be presented as. 

When I think of a banner, I think of a large sign that sums up what it is being hung over or around.  I would like to think that instead of yearning to have a halo over my head, I have a great big sign written in the most glorious colors and beautiful font THE LORD IS MY BANNER.  I have said too many times to count to my daughter, "Don't make the same mistakes I did.  I am the poster child of what NOT to do."  A poster child.  I have always presented myself as the forefront for bad choices and horrible decisions and was giving myself banners of SHAME or NOT GOOD ENOUGH or MY PAST IS TOO BIG FOR YOU GOD.  I was unknowingly parading around town with those banners reflecting that of only the enemy.

You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jeruselem, as majestic as troops with banners - SOS 6:4

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised - Proverbs 31:30

One night last summer, I left the home of some sweet friends after sharing some time of intimate conversation, healing, and prayer.  When I got in my car to leave, I immediately turned on the radio.  The commercial break was wrapping up and before I got to the end of the street, a song came on the radio.  It was Beautiful You by Trent Monk.  I believe, in that divine appointment, the Lord was telling me through the words in that song that even in the midst of His glory and majesty and all that He has created, He sees me.  Not only does He see me but He sees me as beautiful.  While I tend to view God as Creator, or Judge, or Disciplinarian, He allowed me to see Him as my Father; like a father spending time with his young daughter dancing and singing and playing.  It was a sweet moment for me.

Just a few days ago I believe God wanted to tell me that Jehovah-Nissi can be my personal banner.  I was away from home and sat down at a table for breakfast one morning.  Each chair was occupied except the one sitting to my right.  I looked over and noticed a name plate with a cup of coffee sitting next to it.  I leaned forward to read the name and it said Jehovah-Nissi, The LORD is my Banner.  I thought I was going to fall out of my seat.  Now if that wasn't an invitation to proclaim that banner then I don't know what is :)

When my time here on this earth is coming to a close, I want to look back knowing, not wondering, but knowing I lived a life honoring and pleasing to God.  Not only do I want to know, I want others to know by how I lived my life.  In those moments, I long to feel the lyrics of Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord).....

And on that day when my strength is failing
the end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner - Exodus 17:15

Excuse Me, You're Blocking My Sun

I remember one particular summer day many many years ago when I was a teenager.  We lived across from the clubhouse so during summer break I would walk across the street and lay out at the swimming pool for hours at a time with some of my girlfriends that lived in the neighborhood.  On this said day, a group showed up at the clubhouse and was walking around talking to everyone.  Now, I don't do well talking to people I don't know so the no eye contact had to be enforced on my part and I certainly did not want to be bombarded by a group of individuals interrupting my tanning time as I badly needed those sun rays to interact with all that baby oil (or butter if I was out of oil) I had smothered myself with in order to give me that deep dark tan that I desperately wanted.  I mean I was on a mission for crying out loud and was soon needing to spray my hair with more lemon juice once the allotted time had passed since I had previously spritzed.  Plus, it's really hard to hear Mark & Brian, Jimbo Wood, and the jams of my favorite station I-95 when someone is trying to speak to you over the sound of the radio.  So what happened?  Of course they stopped and talked to us.  I honestly don't even remembered what all they said to us or how long they stood there blocking those precious sun rays but out of that entire conversation, there has been only one thing that I have ever remembered.  One of the guys in the group was sitting next to me and he asked me if I was a Christian.  I must have looked ridiculously confused because he then asked if I knew what a Christian was.  I then replied, "Oh yeah". 

How stupid I must have looked.  I don't even remember if he kept pressing me, prayed over me, or continued the conversation.  My guess would be all of those things but for whatever reason I don't remember.  I was so clueless at that time in my life.  So worldly.  So self absorbed....and apparently Vitamin D sufficient.  All I cared about in those moments was having fun and getting a nice tan.  I may have even fit in lunchtime if I was feeling light headed that day from not eating anything earlier as I would have basically slept until it was time to get "fixed up" for the pool, ignoring breakfast.  I could have cared less why those people were there and certainly did not know God, other than that He created the universe.  I bet those individuals would have loved to have a nice summer day relaxing by the pool with no worries but instead they were sacrificing.  I thought they were wasting a perfectly great day but in reality I was. They were out in 95 degree weather spreading the Gospel only to be denied and rejected who knows how many times my little punks like myself.  God was pursing me through those men and women who I looked at with my dim, dark, empty eyes yet thinking I was glowing all the while.  How weary those who carry out the work of the Lord must get sometimes when they seem to get nothing in return except bad attitudes, strange stares, ugly comments, and pure shut out.  But the Lord promises more.  In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. We were even reminded of this long before Jesus came to this earth.  Isaiah 40:31 tells us but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Years later God was gracious enough to pour out His mercy upon me and save me from a life apart from Him.  My father was not a Christian at the time and I remember sitting next to him in church one day.  Weeks, maybe a couple months prior, he began to seemingly show an interest in learning more about this God or Savior or whoever He was.  On that morning, it was the time during the service where the congregation was up singing hymns from our hymnals.  I was standing next to my father and I literally began shaking and could feel my heart beating so hard that I felt it was about to explode.  I kept thinking, "Ask him.  Just ask him if he wants me to walk up front with him.  He'll just say no.  He'll get mad if I ask.  I don't want to make him uncomfortable, God."  As the music and singing stopped, I knew I had missed my opportunity.  I felt sick.  I believed I was clearly having the Holy Spirit moving within me to invite my father to ask Jesus to be his Lord and Savior and I didn't because I was scared of my father's rejection.  Unintentionally, I was willing to risk my father spending an eternity in hell over my feelings being hurt by him saying no.  God has never allowed that memory to leave my mind.  My father eventually accepted Christ.

Proverbs 29:25 - Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. 

2 Timothy tells us that God does not give us a spirit of fear or timidity but rather power and love and self discipline.  

From the lips of FDR, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  

What about the Chris Tomlin song, Whom Shall I Fear?

I know who goes before me 
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
is always by my side.
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
the God of angel armies
is always by my side.
Nothing formed against me shall stand!

Sharing the Gospel is not a suggestion.  It is a command.  

Mark 16:15 - He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation." 

Matthew 28:18-20 - Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." 

The psalmist reminds us in Psalm 107:2 saying, Let the redeemed of the LORD share their story, for they have been delivered from the hand of the foe.  

Paul encourages us in 2 Corinthians 9:13 - Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.

I am thankful beyond measure for God's grace.  I am thankful that I still remember those precious souls that came to the clubhouse that day.  I am thankful that my father's eternity wasn't totally dependent on my reaction that day in church.  I am thankful that God has a pursuant heart and doesn't turn His back on me even when I turn mine on Him.  I am thankful that He chooses to use us as His tools to bring others to Him.  I am thankful that I don't get an eternity which I deserve.  I am thankful.

Prayer, The Lifeblood

How many times do we think our prayers go unanswered, are answered incorrectly, or take too long to be answered?  How often do we pray?  Why do we pray?  Goes God even hear our prayers?  For whom do we pray?  Do we pray for others when we say we will?  I often ask myself those exact questions.

As I have recently been trying to embark on a new journey called humility with a side of "quick to listen, slow to speak" I have found myself learning more about the heart of God and how that compares to the heart of Lisa.  That in itself takes a huge amount of humility!  I love to speak my mind.  Always have.  My family can attest to that!  It didn't even have to be anything of importance.  I was just going to always put my two cents in no matter what.  It wasn't something that I thought about, I just did it.  I am still very much like that.  God has been showing me that no matter what I say or how I feel, I need to have a heart that reflects His and with that will come the words.  If my words reflect my heart, then what does that say about my prayers?  In order to pray in God's Will, I need to have God's heart.  That means to sometimes speak less, listen more, pray fervently and faithfully, and put my will aside for God's.  It means to "Be still, and know that I am God".

So many of us have a hard time praying aloud.  For me, it was always a feeling of not sounding reverent enough.  I never learned how to pray and never thought of it as just talking to God.  In my teen years, I only heard my pastor pray during church service.  I certainly didn't have the words that he had and thought that is how praying should sound; very formal and eloquent.  Plus, those were just words to me.  When I did come to know Christ, I still felt like I needed to sound a certain way.  It wasn't until God led me to a ladies small group almost 4 1/2 years ago that I found out what it meant to pray and how real, true, genuine prayers sounded....AND were answered!  I am in no way saying that how a pastor prays is not real or genuine, I'm just saying it isn't the only way to pray.  God wants our heart.  If that means begging God then beg.  If that means crying so hard that you can hardly breathe or compose a rational thought then bawl your eyes out and and say whatever comes out of your mouth.  If that means giving God thanks for your day then give thanks.  If that means telling God that you don't even know what to say or how to express your feelings tell Him that.  If that means asking God to just get you through a moment or the day, then ask that of Him.  If that means telling God that you don't understand something or why He is doing something then tell Him. You would be surprised at how He will answer you.  If that means telling God that you don't even want to be praying and bringing this before Him, then tell Him that.  You'll be surprised where your prayer will go from there.  Friends, I have prayed all of these prayers and that's why I shared them with you.  God wants to hear from us no matter what.  I have prayed these prayers alone sitting on my bed and have prayed these prayers with my girlfriends.  The power behind the transparency and vulnerability that you release will blow your mind away.  There is no time minimum or time limit with God.  A 30 second prayer can be just as powerful as a 3 minute prayer as long as you are real with God.  He does NOT want mere words.  He does NOT want meaningless repetition.  From the lips of Jesus, “And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words”.

I believe prayer is the lifeblood of walking through faith with God.  Prayer was not intended for superficial reward.  It isn't to get what we want.  It isn't to make us better people.  It isn't to make God love us more.  It isn't used to tell God what is going on.  It isn't for God period.  It's for us.  It's to bring us closer to God.  It's a reminder of our dependency and submission to Him.  It's a way to be in fellowship with Him.  It's a reminder of sacrifice when we lift up others to Him.  It IS how we talk to God!  

I have also found that praying for others is a gift.  Those moments that I have literally bawled in my car on the way to school praying for others changed my heart immediately.  My mindset was different.  My pity party that seemed to have started earlier that morning was gone.  The times that I lie in bed begging for others falling asleep in my tears are precious moments with Him.  These are the times when I'm closest to God.  Praying for others can be such a selfless act and brings true humility before the Lord.  To know that you can actually pray on behalf of a loved one or even a complete stranger is humbling to say the least.  It is also quite a position to hold and is to be taken seriously.  My first revelation to this responsibility was earlier this year.  God truly blessed me with a new friendship about a year ago with one of the most God fearing women I've ever known.  One particular day she shared a few things from the books of Ezekiel and Isaiah.  With permission, here is an excerpt of her email...

A "watchman" is literally someone who guards or protects.  How cool is that?!  Most of what's found in the Word is in Ezekiel, where God calls Ezekiel to be His watchman over the house of Israel (mainly in chapters 3 and 33).  As I read about Ezekiel's responsibility, I was stuck by the level of accountability the Lord held him to.  He was held accountable for their "blood" - their lives, their eternities.  Obviously, we are not called to hear from the Lord and speak warnings to God's people about their sin as Ezekiel did. (Ha!)  But as I read, I just couldn't help but think that we will be held accountable for how well we pray for our ladies.  Will we be intentional?  Will we fight for them?  Will we sacrifice our spare time for them?  Will I give up flipping through my latest issue of InStyle for more time to pray?  It just made me realize once again, that our call to pray isn't one to be taken lightly.  Isaiah 62:6 says this about our role, "I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest."  A high calling, ladies! 

As I read her email, I felt the weight of this responsibility that I was called to carry.  It scared me.  I felt totally inadequate.  I remember just crying over the burden of this.  But...this is biblical.  I was reminded of Galatians 6:2 that says Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. God already had this covered.  He had it covered when He allowed Christ to be born to die.  Christ carried the burden for us and we are to do the same for others.  While we aren't anyone's savior, we are to walk through life together no matter the circumstances.  Getting back to Rita's email, that Isaiah 62:6 verse really speaks volumes. Give yourselves no rest.  Wow.  Those hurting and struggling around us need our prayers. That's plural, friends.  Prayers.  Not just a one time prayer.  Prayers.

I guess my point to sharing the importance of intercession is that it shouldn't be taken lightly. I often wonder how many times when I hear or read, "Praying", "Praying for you", "You are in my prayers",  if that's really the case.  Has it become so instinctual to say those words just the same way we ask someone how they are?  As much as I covet prayers from those who will take them before the Throne, I don't want to hear "Praying for you" if you aren't.  

One last thing I would like to share is how God meets us exactly where we are - even by the tiniest cries for Him, the not-so-formal prayers and pleas.  With her permission, I am sharing an experience earlier this week from my new sweet friend.  In a nutshell, she was overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy .  Overwhelmed period.  Telling God, "I can't do this."  Actually I'll stand corrected... she said she was talking to God and telling him, "I can't do this" and His response was, "I got this.  Just be still."  Hmmm....having a conversation with God?  Talking to God?  Sounds a bit like prayer to me.  Aaaaand, I'd be willing to bet it wasn't very formal and eloquent but what do I know since I wasn't there, right? ;)  Anyway, without going any further I think you get the idea.  In that moment, God revealed Himself to her.  When I tell you how, it will seem pretty normal.  It was through a rainbow.  I know we've all seen rainbows before right?  This time it meant something.  So many times, God is right in front of our faces shining His glory before us and we don't even recognize it.  So many times we miss out on hearing God.  We pray yet don't listen.  We pray then move on with our day.  We pray then don't think about it again until the next time we pray about it.  We pray and don't seek His answer.  How many times have we walked passed something in our home only to one day run smack into it.  We felt it!  Going forward, we notice it and know it's there!  Doesn't mean it wasn't there before that moment when it hit us like a ton of bricks!  When we seek God and BAM, He's there, you know it!  That rainbow was God in all of His Majesty saying, "We have a covenant.  I am with you.  Be still.  Trust me.  I got this.  I LOVE YOU!" 

Having the honor to get to share in her moment knowing what she was feeling in those exact seconds is priceless.  She took a video and I honestly can say I have never seen a bigger more vibrant, beautiful rainbow in my life.

It's A Piece Of A Piece Of A Piece Of A Cracker And A Squirt Of Juice So Why Are You Crying??

Sexual Immorality?  What does that even mean?  Who are the ones who declare something immoral?  Aren't morals just our opinions on what's right and wrong and good and bad?  Yep,  you're right and know me well.  I looked it up of course with my friend, Mr. Webster...

1.  of or relating to principles of right and wrong behavior
2.  expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior
3.  conforming to a standard of right behavior

You get the point.  It's nothing set in stone.  It's what we as a society say is right.  Or wrong. Or acceptable.  Or tolerable.  Or quite frankly what we'll turn a blind eye to at this point in existence.  

I attend The Church at Brook Hills and I knew what David Platt was going to be preaching about yesterday and again next Sunday - The Cross and Christian Sexuality.  I knew it would be a great sermon as I tend to always believe David will deliver, as I feel he is so anointed to do, but quite honestly figured I wouldn't be surprised by much that he had to say.  I was right and had heard and knew most of what he had to say but you know how sometimes words or situations just hit you differently and the light bulb comes on?  

Idolatry of Tolerance.  When those words came out of his mouth I was so taken back.  How could we idolize an emotion or attitude?  Statues, money, sports, people, addictions; all that seems likely but not an attitude.  As I was thinking that through, I realized more and more how right he was.  If an idol is a representation of something we worship or put such great emphasis and importance on that it overrides God, then don't our attitudes fall into that category?  After all, it is our thoughts and emotions that fuel our actions and aren't our morals based off of our feelings and what we THINK is right?  I know...confusing.  Mmmmm, actually no.  Our morals should be based off of what God SAYS.  Our society, and unfortunately a lot of the church included, has become so complacent with making everyone happy, being fair to everyone, and signing the entitlement acceptance letter.  God never said we would be happy, treated fairly, or were entitled to anything.  Oh wait, my bad.  He did say we were entitled to death and deserved to live an eternity apart from Him yet I don't see anyone signing that entitlement acceptance letter.  It is so much easier to turn a blind eye and be crowned Mr. or Mrs. Congeniality by telling others that what they do is ok, well.... as long as what they are doing doesn't bother that Mr. or Mrs. Congeniality.  I'll try to stay on subject with saying that we have made sexual immorality a tolerable issue.  No?  Oh you don't believe in extramarital affairs, pre-marital sex, pornography, prostitution, etc???  Then why do you tolerate lust, masturbation, looking at half naked men or women when they walk by or on the computer or tv, your 13 year old son or daughter to date, "innocent flirting" with someone other than your spouse?  Why do you read trashy books that have you fantasizing about someone other than your spouse?  Because it's a book and it doesn't mean anything?  It's a movie and it isn't real?  You're right.  Those aren't real but the emotions and thoughts that you have when you see those things or read those things are real.  Thoughts lead to desires and desires lead to actions.  I know by this point you are thinking, "Ok, Miss Judgmental.  Get off your high horse."  I say these things because I am no different than you and I have lived through and experienced some of those things.  All of that continued in my life because most of those around me tolerated it and even encouraged it.  I tolerated it.  I accepted it.  Do we seriously want our children to experience those things?  I made a comment on Facebook about how I have been seeing these letters that are going around that seem to be moms writing to the person interested in her son or daughter.  I thought those were some pretty demanding expectations to put on someone else if you don't even put them on your child.  I don't want to call anyone out specifically but my point is that by the looks of it, there isn't much expectation put on anyone, much less Godly expectations.  We tolerate mediocracy.  We tolerate what we think doesn't directly affect or bother us.  We tolerate what we want and not what God wants. We put our wants and desires before God and justify it by saying that since we aren't out murdering people or aborting babies that we are "good people".  I'm sorry to burst your bubble but there is no good person.

Sexual immorality is defined by God, not us, and He makes it pretty clear:

Ephesians 5:5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Romans 1:25-28

²⁵ because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator,who is blessed forever! Amen.

²⁶ For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; ²⁷ and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

²⁸ And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done.

Those that know me know I have a past full of sexual immorality.  I hated every bit of it but I participated in it anyway.  I was divorced with a child by the age of 20 and honestly felt that no one decent would want someone in that predicament.  That mindset mixed with my immaturity, "sewing my oats" attitude, and lack of any knowing of God other than He created the world basically only fueled bad decisions after bad decisions.  I know my writings probably come across as being brash and harsh just reading them but I tend to be very passionate when I write.  I only wish you could hear my voice when I speak about these things because I truly try not to come from a judgmental place.  I so desire to know God's Word and just wish for it to be relayed to everyone.  I've said it before and I will continue to say it but I am not perfect.  I'm not even decent.  I fail miserably each day in all areas - parenting, discipling, communicating, homemaking, praying, spending time with God, and so on.  But if I believe in this book called the Bible then I have to believe all of it.  Not some of it.  Therefore, I have to believe in God's grace and that is continual.  Just because I am saved doesn't mean that one moment that stood still in time in the moment of conversion makes everything easy and without falter.  I can still fall on my face in pride having messed up royally yet still go to Him in confession and repentance.  That's where the title of this post comes in to play.

  

I sat through yesterday's sermon, like I said having an idea of what David would say, but became overwhelmed during the time of communion.  Normally my boyfriend and I ride to church together and sit together.  For the first time, we rode separately.  He ended up being late and couldn't find me so we didn't sit together.  During communion, he always goes up front and gets my juice and crackers for me.  That's his way of serving me.  Since we didn't sit together yesterday as soon as David mentioned it was time for communion I looked at the table in front of me (I was in the 3rd row) and began getting emotional.  It dawned on me that I was going to do this myself.  It had nothing to do with walking up in front of the church.  My puny self was going to the table where there laid the crackers and juice, a symbolic picture of Jesus sitting and eating with His Disciples for the last time.  I always think of the cross as being a place to take my shame and sin, dropping it there.  Yesterday morning was different. I, alone, was walking to that table with my present junk all while RECEIVING those symbolic items for communion.  I say present junk because I still sin.  In reference to the sermon, I watch, read about, and think about those things that are not holy.  My thoughts are just as guilty as my actions.  Jeffrey wasn't there yesterday to serve me.  God was.  I couldn't hand off my junk to Jeffrey to take up there and him bring me back God's grace.  I had to release it and receive it.  I began crying as I was reminded that I can, through repentance, so easily just walk up to God, leave my stuff at that table, receive what He has just sitting there for me to take, remember why, and eat with Him!  Talk about grace!

Luke 22: 14-18 says:

¹⁴ When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. ¹⁵ And he said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. ¹⁶ For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”
¹⁷ After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, “Take this and divide it among you. ¹⁸ For I tell you I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”

Do you notice that the disciples didn't have to ask for one thing?  They didn't have to ask, fight over, or be left out.  Jesus GAVE it to them.  There was enough for each of them.  Jesus even said for them to take it and divide it among themselves.  They shared it.  They drank from the same cup.  It all came from one cup; Christ.  The grace of God is sufficient and abundant for all.  His grace sits waiting to be given to anyone who wants to receive it.  

1 Timothy 2:3-4 says This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.  I know this sounds so cliche and biblically textbooked but friend, no matter what your past is, it isn't too much for God's grace.  I still find myself struggling sometimes with God's grace and I am saved.  I was humbled yesterday morning and brought to tears.  And to think, I was actually a little disappointed in thinking Jeffrey never showed up for church.  Eight months going to church together and never went separately or sat apart until yesterday.  Nice job, God.  Nice.

Beach Bikini vs Snow Bunny

Sad to know that in writing this post I will receive some eye rolls and who cares and what's even sadder is that I expect it....and....it will mostly be from women.

As I was looking on Facebook and the internet earlier today, I kept coming across pictures and articles of women being and acting anything but modest.  Not that this is any new issue but it just got to me for some reason today.  Maybe because my youngest son's birthday is today and he is only 7 years old.  Or maybe because I was also in the car with my 11 year old son today for about an hour and the talks we have can be quite special when it's just the two of us.  Or maybe it's because I spoke to my daughter earlier as she was having lunch with her boyfriend.  Maybe it's because of all of those reasons and I constantly saw my childrens' faces when reading or seeing these articles and pictures.  

I hurt for them.  I hurt for not being a modest and godly enough mother for my daughter when she was younger and not setting that example for her.  I hurt for my boys who will constantly be tempted and slapped in the face by women throwing themselves at them, walking around half naked, and plastering themselves provocatively on every billboard and internet post possible.  I hurt that we live in a society where we accept and dare I say welcome this type of attitude and behavior out of women.  No wonder it's now a minority status these days to actually stay married death til you part.  Am I saying sex and lust ruin marriages? Yes.  Am I saying that is the root of the problem?  No.  Our values and principles to have and raise children who love the Lord and respect others is vanishing.  And these are adults that are posting these pictures and acting this way!  How are we supposed to raise children with self worth and ethics when we as adults don't have them???  I'll tell you one reason...because we have concocted the notion that women should be proud of their bodies therefore showing it for all the world to see is acceptable.  Women are absolutely correct in embracing our sexuality but not at the expense of being degrading and luring to other men and to be honest children. To be quite frank, I would be appalled knowing that some 13 year old boy was looking at my half naked picture having thoughts that he shouldn't be having!  If we women want to pretend that isn't happening then we are in complete denial.  Literally makes me sick to my stomach. Then to back it up with some comment once we've been confronted about it to only point the finger at that child or his parents for not knowing his every move every second of the day to justify "presenting yourself" is just shameful.  I don't allow my boys to have a phone or a computer.  I don't allow my boys to text girls or call girls.  In fact, I don't encourage my boys to have girlfriends.  My boys are not allowed to use phrases like "she's hot".  I am not claiming to be the perfect mother or even a mother who has it all together.  I fail miserably every day and make mistakes infinitely it seems but I do have enough common sense to know what modesty looks like and how I want my sons to one day be attracted to women with that same principle.

Quite honestly when women post pictures of themselves online, I don't think it is because they are embracing their womanhood.  I believe it's a shout for attention.  Any woman who is truly at peace with who she is doesn't need likes on Facebook to confirm it.  Are our insecurities so deep that we need to show off our fake tans and breast enhancements to get a couple of "likes" on Facebook knowing that our children and our children's friends are our "friends" too?  Are we so insecure that we have to send married men private messages with inappropriate words or pictures?  Regardless of whether any pictures or words are in that message, the key word there is private.  If it can't be sent over the airwaves of Facebook for all to see, why send it? Are we so insecure that we need attention from social media or blogs or the internet or texts?   My boyfriend and I often talk about this and throughout our conversation it always comes back to one thing.  In the end, women want to blame men for degrading them when in reality we are doing it for them.  Many many years ago I had the attitude spurned from bitterness and low self worth "I'm going to treat men how they treat women.  I'll use them."  All the while, I was the one being used.  It was never a one way street.

Women are beautiful creations by God.  I am embracing that with one of my favorite pictures taken a couple of months ago of myself with three beautiful women.  You won't find much skin in this picture and I'm declaring we are just as beautiful like this over any photo of a group of half dressed women!

Isn't Summer Vacation Supposed To Be Easy? Week 1, Mom - 0

My motto for the past week.....and I'm screaming it!!

School has been out exactly one week.  One. Whole. Week.  I am already wondering how I am going to sanely make it through the next 2 1/2 months.  Do I really want to be the mom that arrives the first day of school to drop off my kids an hour early banging on the door like a madman?  Depending on what minute of the day you asked me these past 7 days, yes!  Yes, I do.

As the school year ended and I had these amazing plans for my kids and me, LIFE showed me on the first serve that I would meet my match from the get go.  Ok, so can the ball ever be in my court so I can knock the heck out of it back over to show I mean business?  I'm still waiting....

Things Against Summer Vacation Super Mom Week 1- 1
Summer Vacation Super Mom (yeah, that's me) Week 1 - Big Fat 0

So as the summer began last Thursday, I would have my boys for a week.  They go to their dad's for a week at a time so I would have the first week and then they would leave for a week, come back for a week, leave again for a week, and so on.

So Will, my 6 year old, leaves Thursday and ends up not coming back until Saturday.  In the meantime, Blake, my 11 year old, is already screaming "I'm bored" within hours after school being out therefore leaving me no other option than to consider faking a headache and going to bed.  I said consider.  I didn't really do it!  He had a baseball game later that night so at least we had somewhere to go.  I took him to eat at this little place called The Depot in Helena to "ease his pain" of boredom.  I then decide I take my 11 year old to the SEC tournament on Friday.  I just know this is going to be a good day as he and I love baseball.  Although I was missing my 6 year old, he would have been there lounging all over me and the bleachers asking to leave by the 4th inning.....over and over and over and over.....  So Bama loses and we go home since I'm old and sitting in the sun for 3 hours wears me slap out and I feel as if I've done manual labor for 8 hours :)  My energetic 11 year old wants to keep moving but I reminded him that he beat me on the treadmill earlier that morning so I was done for the day!

So finally Saturday will come and I'll get to do something with both of my boys since Will comes home!  Wrong.  Blake gets invited to go off with a friend and Will comes home 2 hours later.  Ok, no big deal.  We can all do something Sunday so I get in touch with one of my best friends, Allison, and we make plans for the boys and I to visit her and her family in Boaz for a day or so.  I was thrilled as I always enjoy spending time with them.  Wait.  No, Blake has plans with another friend that day too.  I'll shoot for Monday!  In the meantime, all my 6 year old wants to do is play Minecraft, which by the way I had to be corrected by him because I thought it was Mind Craft.  And yes this is the game where my son was yelling out while playing that he wanted his mommy and when I questioned him about it, he said, "In this game.  Not in real life." ...Sigh...  So what else do I do other than clean house, vacuum and dust AGAIN for it to only 2 hours later look like I haven't vacuumed or dusted in 2 weeks, wash clothes and yes...play Candy Crush.  My 6 year old wants to sleep with me Saturday night since "It's just you and meeeeeee!" only to wind up with a not so pleasant sounding breathing habit and a cough that lingers ALL. THROUGH. THE. NIGHT. !!  He and I wake up Sunday morning not feeling so hot so another day in the house.  Just grand.  So I cancel our plans to head to Boaz, call my boyfriend to tell him about it and yes - start crying.  I'm crying because I can't go see my best friend!  What 39 year old woman does that??!!  Is that a foreshadowing of the day?  Pretty much.

Sunday night finally comes and I go to pick up my self denied exhausted 11 year old who can barely hold open his eyes and is fighting fatigue like a screaming baby the first 15 minutes on the drive home  only for me to turn around and he be zonked out in the back seat.  I finally have both boys home, school has been out for 3 days, and I am already feeling the backlash. Oh yeah, did I mention in any of this that my daughter decided to stay in Tuscaloosa for the summer?  So, I've yet to see her and will probably only catch glimpses of her throughout the summer if I'm honest with myself.

Yes!  It is Memorial Day!  The plans are for the boys and I to go to the waterfall in Helena.  My boyfriend, Jeffrey, is off work so he can come too!  I wake up with grand plans on making a picnic basket of sorts and to have a blissfully blissful time at the waterfall.  I even get up and make breakfast which entails biscuits, gravy, bacon, hashbrowns, and eggs.  If you know me, you know that pigs fly more often than that breakfast happens in my kitchen on my watch. I'm exhausted just typing this.  So I sit down with the boys to eat breakfast and out of nowhere Blake asked when he can have a phone.  I look at him like he is a 3 headed clown and ask, "Why does an 11 year old need a phone?"  Will jumps in and says that his friend has a phone and he is only 6 - in typical Will tone.  So I then look at him like he is a 3 headed clown and ask why a 6 year old needs a phone.  His response was, "because his mom is nice" and yes - in typical Will tone with the signature Will look.  "Excuse me?", I asked.  "You know what I mean", he says.  "Umm, actually I don't.  What do you mean?"  "I mean his mom is nice-ER."

In the midst of the already constant bickering that goes back and forth on a regular basis between the boys and some attitude and disrespectfulness that's been brewing inside of them against me for the past few weeks for whatever reason, that was all I could take.  I got up, went to my room, and held back tears.  Seriously?  All that I do for them on a daily basis in the thankless job of being a mom with nothing ever being good enough for them and I'm now not nice because I won't give my 6 and 11 year old a phone???!!  As soon as I go to my room, I hear the phone ring.  Blake picks it up and is talking to a friend and I hear him say something about maybe not getting to go somewhere because "my brother just put my mom in a bad mood".  That's it!  We are not going to the waterfall I tell myself.  I call Jeffrey to let him know and to not even bother coming over and what do I do?  Start crying AGAIN.  How can boys who really are sweet and good boys be so selfish and disrepectful?  Ugh!  And now they have ruined my Memorial Day plans!  A few minutes pass and I get a knock on my door.  It was Will coming to apologize.  He comes in crying and telling me he is sorry for what he said. Praise God that a 6 year old has enough conviction and can swallow his pride to apologize to his momma!  More than I ever did at 6 years old...or 36 years old for that matter.  I used that opportunity to nip this crapola in the bud and set their little tails straight.  I was done with the spoiled entitlement attitudes, back talk, ugly remarks to me, and the ungratefulness they had that filled the rooms in our home.  Aaaaaand of course I cried which made them cry.  Ok, only Will cried.  Blake left the room looking a bit dazed as Will left the room giving me the I love you sign and waving (lol).  Fifteen minutes later I was told, "You look beautiful today, Mom". Ha!  So we head to the waterfall and end the night with dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and frozen yogurt from Top It Off.

Thank you, Lord, for the turning point.  Right????...........

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Blake was asked to go to the beach on Sunday night and is supposed to leave on Tuesday?  Grrrrreat.  I still have no time with my boys together on the week I'm supposed to have them.  I get one day together with them both out of a week.  What's wrong with this picture?  I let him go as it is one of the many thankless sacrifices a mom makes for her kids.  So Blake leaves Tuesday and Will seems to have gotten worse with his cough and his eczema.  We stay inside all day and I end up giving him breathing treatments Tuesday night.  He makes it through most of the night without coughing but it gets the better of him and me at 4am.  We sleep in and he is better Wednesday but still taking breathing treatments, cough medicine, and staying lathered in Vaseline.  Therefore I have to cancel my plans to meet my friends and their kids at the waterfall for a fun filled day.  Not gonna lie....I was so bummed about not going but at least I didn't cry this time.  Yay me!  Get a call and Will ends up staying with his dad that night per his dad's request.  Sooo another night without one or both of my boys.  Ugh!  Ok, so I'll make the best of it and call Jeffrey.  We can hang out and that will be fun.  Maybe even a nice romantic evening?  I laugh on that comment and I'm sure he would too!  LOL!  What do we do?  Go sweat like pigs on the treadmill at the gym and get back home to my 85 degree house since oh yeah, my air has been broken for basically 2 days. While waiting on the guy to come fix the air, I do what any woman who loves her man would do of course.  Fix him crock pot BBQ chicken (with minimal seasoning I might add so don't get too excited), plain green peas, and plain carrots.  Ok, that's sort of a lie.  I added a little butter to the carrots but this healthy eating is GETTING OLD!  I had to do it.  Needless to say, I was craving doughnuts and frozen yogurt the rest of the night.  But hey, at least the air got fixed around 10 pm.

Will came back home today!  I know he was only gone for 16 hours (8 of which I spent sleeping) but I was excited.  I was going beyond stir crazy in this house so he and I had lunch at The Depot and yes made another trip to Top It Off for frozen yogurt.

So not exactly the super mom plans I had for the first week of summer vacation but just like I told the boys in my meltdown that it's not all about them, it's not all about me either.  Moms make sacrifices.  Moms aren't perfect.  My kids aren't perfect.  My plans aren't perfect.  This summer vacation will not be perfect.  I have been reminded that I focused on what I could do and how I could make the best plans for my children.  I left God out of the plan.  Another reminder that I am lost without Him and His direction. What made me write this blog today? Me being the one this time screaming, "I AM SO BORED!" to which I would most predictably respond back to my boys, "Hi, Bored."  Really gets under their skin but I enjoy it :)  I have missed my boys this week and haven't enjoyed having them separately for the most part - only to make it worse by not having them at all for almost a week starting tomorrow night but I did get to spend one on one time with each of them - something I rarely get to do. That should be one of the positives I focus on for this past week.  I also have the opportunity to get to spend summer days with my boys - something I haven't always had the pleasure and gift of getting to do.  Did I get my tail kicked this week?  Yep.  But it is always nice to get a free dance concert in the convenience of your own home to help matters :)  Summer vacation week one down. Eleven to go!