Where do I even begin? How does one begin to put into words the bone chilling recognition that God is clearly making Himself known in your midst? Not making Himself present... but known. Does it mean that something didn't exist or wasn't present before we recognized it? No.
There are a plethora of things that are in our constant nearness and we may not acknowledge it or know it but when something makes itself known, it is active in its presence. It is either bold and standing out, maybe even making noises or moving. Often it's something we run in to or trip over with our feet. On occasion it's something we've seen a million times but for whatever reason it's now drawing us in to its very being. Sometimes it's something that is pointed out to us. Unfortunately and more often than not it is something that we just ignore. Without explanation, in the next moment, it makes itself KNOWN.
Sin can be viewed in so many ways and we as humans attach it to different levels. Sometimes we even ok it because we diagnose it as the "little white lies" syndrome. No harm done, right? We ignore it because it doesn't fit our lifestyle choices or we don't want to give up those pleasures. We even go so far as supporting it because it's the politically correct thing to do and we should fight for the minorities, in most cases. And sadly, we accept sin because we don't truly know the eternal severity or consequences of rebelling against God while we go about our days continuing to slap Him in the face only to vainly demand that He hold our very heads up in comfort when we have them hovered down in our own self destruction covered in filth and selfishness. God doesn't put sin on different levels. It's all rebellion. Different sin requires different consequences but ANY sin to God is rebellion and is to be kept apart from Him.
As I have struggled with personal continual sin these past few months, I have had a rough, to say the least, past week. As I could see my sin, individually and linked to someone else, unfolding I was deceived into thinking it was happening for a reason limited to the real issues at hand. To recap as I blogged last time, my boyfriend had a change of plans regarding his attendance at a men's ministry because of work. I was so upset and emotional about it all and directed my anger toward my boyfriend, his boss, and God. Since then and in the past 36 hours I have been given the revelation that I was for the most part directing my anger inappropriately towards two of those individuals yet not including myself. You see, I had also been given the divine privilege to serve in a women's ministry last month. During that 12 week process of preparation through intimate time with God, my heart began to become hardened over time and I knew it. I could feel it. And I knew why. At one point I was given the opportunity to write part of a script for the weekend. I wanted to incorporate words of intimacy through a bride and bridegroom with that of biblical references from the Old Testament veil. I had no trouble writing down the words concerning the veil. That was easy. It was already there for me. I just had to find it in the Bible. I struggled for almost a week to come up with the words of intimacy. How hard could it be to write about a bride and bridegroom and the love they share for one another? Well, when you have totally deserted and strayed away from your own intimacy with God, He takes those words from you. I write all of the time, not all of which I post, so to come up with words to put on a page shouldn't have been a big deal. But it was a big deal to God and He wasn't going to allow me to partake in it in vain only for His precious brides that would be coming through that room to hear. And so it was done. I confessed this to my prayer team in which I was involved and told them where I was with my struggle to write and that I felt it was from a hardened heart. Even though I had opened up somewhat to them as a group, the damage was done. I was never given the words or thoughts of intimacy from Him. I lost out on that. God still lavished His love on me by allowing me to be a part of the weekend. God's timing for that was already prepared. My view on God's timing for it was based on my actions, not His.
God has revealed a lot to me this past week about turning away from His desires and His ways but He has also reminded me of some things like His timing. I am a firm believer in pre-destination and free will and to me it makes perfect sense on how they are intertwined but what I have become more aware of is how His timing is always perfect. It's not God's timing that messes us up...it's where we are in God's timing that makes us or breaks us. The moments of God making Himself known is already in the books to happen. It's where we are in our walk with Him on how we will react to Him revealing Himself. God revealed Himself in even mightier ways for this past weekend for the men's ministry and said once again that He will not be made a fool of. And so it was. He put a stop to the nonsense and was glorified even more for it. He still is revealing His purpose for the events of this past weekend even today.
In even more depth, God has made Himself known to me in drastic ways the past 12 hours. The last time I shed this many tears in a day was over 4 years ago when watching my grandfather's life fade away before my very eyes. God's wrath is just and perfect. It is no fun to be on the other end of that. It is no fun to be one who is being called out by God and it hurts even more to see ones we love being called out as well. However, it is necessary and if I'm honest, I am thankful and blessed for it. That doesn't mean that I am not hurt, sad, or wishing I had just been obedient to my Father. In Deuteronomy 10:12-13, Moses said, "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the LORD and His statutes which I command you today for your good?" FEAR THE LORD. SERVE THE LORD. KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS.
In response to the verse, I sometimes become so complacent in my ways and ignore my actions. I can't even say I forget because God gives me that Godly conviction to remind me. I ignore it for my own pleasure and ease. Do we even fear God anymore? Did we ever? This world reflects no. We have belittled God into a sappy push over who will let us do whatever we want because "a good God would never let anything bad happen to us". Society, and the ridiculousness of the Church, shoves down our throats to the point of vomiting that God is only loving, forgiving, gracious, and someone that we can wrap around our grimy fingers and that anything else is pure evil. Well God is all of those things except the sappy push over but He is also Judge, wrathful, gets angry, and is jealous! Those are righteous qualities that He has and those things do not come from evil. Those characteristics are dished out FROM HIM because of evil! Just as quickly as we like to proclaim the majesty of the heavens and that we all have a place there waiting for us, we just as quickly dismiss the nightmare of hell. They are both real, not just one. And... if we feared the Lord more, we would become aware of both of those realities. I don't even know what to say on serving the Lord. I mean who can you serve that you don't even respect or in some cases don't even know or believe in? The sad thing is that many of us believe in God yet don't know Him as anything else from the man on the moon. Knowing God and believing in God can be two points that are farthest from each other or the same point. I pray that if you are honest with yourself and you can't say that you KNOW God rather than knowing of Him, you will ask Him to make Himself known to you. I would love to pray for you. And on the commandment issue, I know we all like to throw that one out the window because it's "Old Testament". Yes, some of the Old Testament isn't applicable today but fearing the Lord and serving the Lord is still just as intact today as it was when it was written. It isn't a matter of whether or not we scored accordingly on our spiritual gift test to see if this is something that fits within our realm of possibilities. In the above verse Moses asked "what does the Lord require of you"? Require. Not suggest or think about. To me, a requirement from the Lord is a commandment. So just because it doesn't have a number 1 through 10 next to it or doesn't involve some sort of animal being slain and offered up doesn't mean it isn't still commanded. God will not be mocked or taken lightly. At some point, it will be dealt with and I am beyond thankful that my "dealing with" is on this earth and not when I am standing in front of His face! When those consequences are handed to me, all I can do is surrender and submit to His authority that of which is hopefully lathered in humility.
Between my week and certain conversations with my boyfriend, some fitting revelations from God that He has willingly yet undeservedly given to me today....
My morning devotional verse of the day: Roman 13:8 - Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law (clear confirmation regarding a specific conversation on Sunday with my boyfriend regarding finances)
My daily morning text from my sweet friend, Debi: Hebrews 4:16 - Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (confirmation of Him hearing my cries last night when I repented in a not so worldly attractive way)
I don't even remember how He showed me this one: 1 John 2:1 - My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One (confirmation in my prayers and exact words last night for Him to be my defender)
He gave me this early this morning in response to my exact words last night through repentance and prayer...
Jesus Is Our Defender
12/01/2011 BY
He will not tolerate sin in a true believer’s life but He will certainly defend him from the condemnation of the accuser because He has already redeemed him with His most precious blood. When you are confronted by malicious attacks and gossips, do you try to fight for your own name and dignity or do you allow the Lord to be your defender? “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold (Psalm 18:2).”
Yes, the Lord rebukes, corrects, and disciplines whom He loves but He will never leave them without a defense against the devil who prowls like a roaring lion. He will stand at our side and answer every lie that the enemy throws against us and give us strength so we can proclaim Him, our very message, so the world may know Him.
We must always set the Lord always before us; that is, let us always acknowledge that the battle is the Lord’s. We may have been enlisted as soldiers in His Kingdom but it is the Lord’s Kingdom, and it is the Lord’s fight. Even David, who loved the Lord so much, who stood up and fought against Goliath, that nine-foot giant Philistine who disgraced the Name of the Lord, said, “This day the LORD will hand you over to me…(1 Samuel 17:46).” “….the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s and He will give all of you into our hands (v. 47).
So you see, the Lord will be the one to fight for you. He will hand over the enemy to your hand. He will save you. The battle is the Lord’s. It’s not and it’s never going to be the other way around.
The Lord is our defender. Let Him fight the battle for you. He is our shield. “We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Romans 8:37).”
I tend to have "Repeat Songs of the Day" and will literally play it continually if it is on my heart for a particular reason. My repeat song has now been going 2 days and I honestly feel it just as deeply right now as it plays and as I did when I started listening to it yesterday. This song will always remind me of Jeffrey's and my time with God last night and I will always be taken back to that picture of us waving the white flag. A man's voice starting off with just the simple yet pleasing sound of strumming a guitar with God's words playing through his fingertips and voice. What a reminder of confession, separation from God, our complete and total need for Him, our sin, His grace, freedom, Jesus! My life in a nutshell these past hours!
Matt Maher - Lord, I Need You
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