Seems like the theme here lately for myself and so many I know has been weariness and fatigue. Our lives are so busy that we just drain ourselves. We mention over and over that we need more time in the day to get things done or that we must spend our quiet time with God in the mornings because nights are out or vice versa; that we must spend our quiet time with God at night because mornings are out. Reality is that we rarely do either because we are too exhausted by the end of the day and we are too sleepy in the mornings to get up in time to spend time alone with Him. We have 24 hours in the day and we seriously make comments about there not being enough time in the day to get things done? I totally include myself in that statement. Ok well, hey, what about this?...maybe we cram too much in the day. Maybe we choose to watch too much tv or stay on the internet too long. Maybe we cart our children around to their ridiculous amounts of extra-curricular activities that we not only exhaust ourselves but them as well. Maybe we make everything else a priority over rest and quiet time with God.
Why do we think that rest can take a back seat to our lives? Why do we think we can be more productive by shoving as much into our days as possible? Is it because we think we are accomplishing more things on the checklist if we get it done? 10 things checked off verses only 5? Does that really make us more productive? As you may have guessed by now, I like to look up the definition of words I use just to have some clarity. Did you know that the definition of productive is to yield products, benefits, or profit? Great. So now I know that we are benefitting ourselves with junk on the internet and tv, in the books we read, and in the activities that we have our children to believe are priorities like sports and social clubs at a pace that makes us say that there just isn't enough time in the day or that we will just function on minimal rest. I don't see how that is beneficial in the first place much less to a point to where it makes us physically ill at times and has us so irritable and unpleasant to be around. How is it beneficial to put such emphasis on superficial materialism and self indulgence over rest and quiet time with God? Crazy thing is that we are more willing and likely to listen to a medical doctor who will most certainly tell us that rest is a necessity for healthy living, which it is, over what our Creator tell us.
What I find most interesting is the amount of professing Christians that find minimal to no time to rest, myself included. Why do I find this interesting? God has been revealing that answer to me by showing me that Jesus made time to rest and pray. Jesus made it a priority to have quiet time with the Father. Aren't we Christians supposed to be followers of Christ? Aren't we supposed to be following His example? So, if Jesus made rest and prayer a priority then why don't we?
One of the most obvious parts of scripture that comes to mind regarding rest is in Genesis where God declares the Sabbath holy and a day of rest. Genesis 2: 2-3 says By the seventh day God had finished the work He had been doing; so on the seventh day He rested from all His work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it He rested from all the work of creating that He had done. God pretty much made rest a priority from the get go. Soooo....the God of the universe rested yet we think we are too important or busy to rest ourselves? Hmmm....
Ok, so let's look at Jesus. In Mark 6:31 He tells the apostles, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place a rest a while". In Luke 5, Jesus' fame spreads and verses 15-16 say But now even more the report about Him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate place and pray. Jesus was in the midst of His ministry and performing miracles yet stopped to spend alone time with the Father. Luke 22:39-46 speaks of Jesus praying on the Mount of Olives. He told the disciples to pray so that they wouldn't "enter into temptation" and then He left them and prayed. These are just some of the parts of scripture that refer to rest and prayer. It seems to me that the bible makes it pretty clear on the importance of quiet time with the Father. I still can't get over the fact that Jesus stopped in the midst of His greatness in all that He was doing to spend alone time with God yet we are too arrogant and prideful to stop our meaningless nonsense of a schedule to have our alone time with Him. It may not be intentional pride but it is what it is.
A book I've been reading, Simple Devotion, talks a lot about just walking with God daily. That no matter how much we DO or how much we are involved in with over the top things for God, it really doesn't matter if we have zero to little prayer life. What good does it do to participate in a couple of big events a year for the Kingdom when we haven't even spoken to our God? Reminds me of Luke 13:22-30 where Jesus is being asked who will enter Heaven. Jesus' response is that MANY will try to enter but will not. They will plead and respond with how they prophesied in His name. They will be told that He never knew them. Those are pretty powerful and scary words from Jesus in those verses. Jesus says that many will try to enter and be turned away. Many?? That seems pretty probable that most professing Christians will be hearing those exact words. I'm certainly not saying that if we spend quiet time with God daily that we are saved but I think it's something worth diving into and doing a little self-reflection on our hearts desire for the Lord versus our life.
If we are too busy or tired to spend adequate time in prayer then clearly we are not getting enough down time or rest....and if we aren't getting enough down time or rest, it's probable that we are investing our time in things not worth getting exhausted over but hey, that's just my guess...
Thank you, Lord, for revealing my sin to me with truth and Your Word and I pray that You will continue to change my heart to be more of a reflection of Yours.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
What A Spoiled Brat
The Great I AM. That is who God keeps telling me that He is. LORD. Yahweh - a name hardly even spoken by some because of its holiness. So holy and complete that it is unfathomable; yet, He chooses to interact with me. He chooses to take time to communicate with me even though I am not so pleasing to be around.
As I started off another day this morning just feeling burdened and hurt and emotional and stressed, I decided to have a pity party and have an attitude about it. I knew I was totally out of line by doing so but I pressed on in completely making my morning not so pleasant. Let me set the stage for you..
I received news yesterday that one of my former co-workers had passed away this past weekend. I had not seen him in a few years since I had left that business back in 2008. However, I have such fond memories of Leo and my time working with him in our office downtown. Since finding out the news of his passing, I was taken down memory lane these past two days. Needless to say, I had a strong desire to attend his funeral that was scheduled for this morning. I knew it may be a struggle to go to the funeral since I had a test this morning for one of my classes. Ok so that's life, right? Deal with it.
I just began to have such harsh feelings about my situation and how ridiculous it is that here I am, a 38 year old, in college trying to get a degree. Shouldn't that have been done 20 years ago? Now I can't even go to my friend's funeral because I have to take a stupid test because I'm in college...again....at 38 years of age. I had not heard from my professor about possibly leaving after taking the test, which irritated me more - like it was even her obligation to sit in front of her computer checking emails throughout the night. She was totally not in the wrong but this was just my mindset this morning. I continue going down this self destructing attitude even as I'm heading to class - decked out in my black suit in case I can go to the funeral by some chance. I receive a phone call from my boyfriend checking on me and I just began griping about my morning....and my life. Blah blah blah....
I decided to play Great I Am by New Life Worship after I got off the phone. Still with my attitude going on, I began just thinking how I KNOW I'm being a spoiled brat and totally ridiculous and well, God doesn't hesitate to back me up on that. He is reminding me that He is the Great I AM. He is bigger and more important than my pity party. Was I seriously letting myself say aloud that I am sick of my life and where I am in it? How ungrateful and self absorbed can I be? I mean talk about overreacting!
God reminded me of when Jesus had a particular man telling Him that he would follow Him but to let him say good-bye to his family. Jesus' response was "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Another man wanted to go back and bury his father before following Jesus. Jesus' response was "Let the dead bury their own dead but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Doesn't that seem a little harsh? All they wanted to do was say good-bye, pay their respects. What's the big deal with that? Couldn't Jesus lighten up a bit? Umm..no. The Great I AM doesn't need to lighten up for anything. I needed to lighten up. Jesus felt it necessary to tell these men, who just wanted to say good-bye to their loved ones, to move forward and follow Him yet I'm pouting because I possibly can't go say good-bye to someone I haven't seen or talked to in several years? Something is wrong with that picture. Look, nothing was wrong with wanting to go to the funeral and being sad that it may not happen. What was wrong was that I was acting like a child about something quite petty in the big scheme of things. And to dare say that I have issue with my spoiled life was beyond ridiculous. What God reminded me of was that maybe I should be that passionate for Him. Sad and angry that I can't spend time with Him because of this or that. Sad or angry that I put other things or people ahead of Him. In the end, God still graciously decided to make it possible for me to attend the funeral and I did so. Totally undeserving of His grace and mercy, He gave it again this morning.
God continues to bless me more than I possibly deserve. He continues to be faithful and present even when I am not to Him. He continues to pursue me even when I don't pursue Him. He continues to reveal His love to me even when I don't love Him. He continues to do for me what I can't do for Him. I owe Him everything and He owes me nothing yet He gives me all I need and more. God is a jealous God. He wants my affections, attention, and life. God chose to have Christ give His life for me, a physical brutal death, so why is it so hard to give my life to Him sometimes? God isn't asking me to be brutally beaten, spit upon, flogged, or have nails driven through my hands or feet. He isn't asking me to endure hours upon hours of being mocked, judged, or tortured. He is simply wanting me to give a life of devotion and honor to Him. He is the Great I AM for crying out loud. What ELSE would he require of me? Anything less than total commitment to Him would be pointless.
Part of my reason for sharing this today is to obviously share how God works in my life but more so to be real and honest about how we Christians still struggle, have bad days, bad attitudes, and have pity parties. Even as I proclaim my faith in Christ, I don't ever want to come across as having it all together because I have Christ in my life. Although, I don't hesitate to say that my family and friends would second that motion in fully conveying that I don't have it all together and far from it! Christians are not perfect humans because we are Christians. We don't have a life of bliss without struggles, hardships, pit falls, or demons to fight. We live in sin every day - throughout the day! True Christians don't live a life parallel to the world but we do mess up. A lot. True Christians don't use their faith as an avenue to use legalism as a scapegoat to twist what they want to do or not do. True Christians don't judge but rather hold others accountable in love and allow themselves to be held accountable as well. True Christians don't walk around with their heads held high because they are better than the rest. We walk around full of humility desperately seeking God each and every day to deliver us from evil and lead us not into temptation because without His help, we will be obliterated....and we know this! We are not perfect but that doesn't give us the right to use that reason in vain.
What I am perfect in though is Christ. That may sound like a cliche or some "Christian talk" but it's reality. For that I am humbly grateful.
God almighty Great I AM, Who is worthy? None beside Thee.
As I started off another day this morning just feeling burdened and hurt and emotional and stressed, I decided to have a pity party and have an attitude about it. I knew I was totally out of line by doing so but I pressed on in completely making my morning not so pleasant. Let me set the stage for you..
I received news yesterday that one of my former co-workers had passed away this past weekend. I had not seen him in a few years since I had left that business back in 2008. However, I have such fond memories of Leo and my time working with him in our office downtown. Since finding out the news of his passing, I was taken down memory lane these past two days. Needless to say, I had a strong desire to attend his funeral that was scheduled for this morning. I knew it may be a struggle to go to the funeral since I had a test this morning for one of my classes. Ok so that's life, right? Deal with it.
I just began to have such harsh feelings about my situation and how ridiculous it is that here I am, a 38 year old, in college trying to get a degree. Shouldn't that have been done 20 years ago? Now I can't even go to my friend's funeral because I have to take a stupid test because I'm in college...again....at 38 years of age. I had not heard from my professor about possibly leaving after taking the test, which irritated me more - like it was even her obligation to sit in front of her computer checking emails throughout the night. She was totally not in the wrong but this was just my mindset this morning. I continue going down this self destructing attitude even as I'm heading to class - decked out in my black suit in case I can go to the funeral by some chance. I receive a phone call from my boyfriend checking on me and I just began griping about my morning....and my life. Blah blah blah....
I decided to play Great I Am by New Life Worship after I got off the phone. Still with my attitude going on, I began just thinking how I KNOW I'm being a spoiled brat and totally ridiculous and well, God doesn't hesitate to back me up on that. He is reminding me that He is the Great I AM. He is bigger and more important than my pity party. Was I seriously letting myself say aloud that I am sick of my life and where I am in it? How ungrateful and self absorbed can I be? I mean talk about overreacting!
God reminded me of when Jesus had a particular man telling Him that he would follow Him but to let him say good-bye to his family. Jesus' response was "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Another man wanted to go back and bury his father before following Jesus. Jesus' response was "Let the dead bury their own dead but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Doesn't that seem a little harsh? All they wanted to do was say good-bye, pay their respects. What's the big deal with that? Couldn't Jesus lighten up a bit? Umm..no. The Great I AM doesn't need to lighten up for anything. I needed to lighten up. Jesus felt it necessary to tell these men, who just wanted to say good-bye to their loved ones, to move forward and follow Him yet I'm pouting because I possibly can't go say good-bye to someone I haven't seen or talked to in several years? Something is wrong with that picture. Look, nothing was wrong with wanting to go to the funeral and being sad that it may not happen. What was wrong was that I was acting like a child about something quite petty in the big scheme of things. And to dare say that I have issue with my spoiled life was beyond ridiculous. What God reminded me of was that maybe I should be that passionate for Him. Sad and angry that I can't spend time with Him because of this or that. Sad or angry that I put other things or people ahead of Him. In the end, God still graciously decided to make it possible for me to attend the funeral and I did so. Totally undeserving of His grace and mercy, He gave it again this morning.
God continues to bless me more than I possibly deserve. He continues to be faithful and present even when I am not to Him. He continues to pursue me even when I don't pursue Him. He continues to reveal His love to me even when I don't love Him. He continues to do for me what I can't do for Him. I owe Him everything and He owes me nothing yet He gives me all I need and more. God is a jealous God. He wants my affections, attention, and life. God chose to have Christ give His life for me, a physical brutal death, so why is it so hard to give my life to Him sometimes? God isn't asking me to be brutally beaten, spit upon, flogged, or have nails driven through my hands or feet. He isn't asking me to endure hours upon hours of being mocked, judged, or tortured. He is simply wanting me to give a life of devotion and honor to Him. He is the Great I AM for crying out loud. What ELSE would he require of me? Anything less than total commitment to Him would be pointless.
Part of my reason for sharing this today is to obviously share how God works in my life but more so to be real and honest about how we Christians still struggle, have bad days, bad attitudes, and have pity parties. Even as I proclaim my faith in Christ, I don't ever want to come across as having it all together because I have Christ in my life. Although, I don't hesitate to say that my family and friends would second that motion in fully conveying that I don't have it all together and far from it! Christians are not perfect humans because we are Christians. We don't have a life of bliss without struggles, hardships, pit falls, or demons to fight. We live in sin every day - throughout the day! True Christians don't live a life parallel to the world but we do mess up. A lot. True Christians don't use their faith as an avenue to use legalism as a scapegoat to twist what they want to do or not do. True Christians don't judge but rather hold others accountable in love and allow themselves to be held accountable as well. True Christians don't walk around with their heads held high because they are better than the rest. We walk around full of humility desperately seeking God each and every day to deliver us from evil and lead us not into temptation because without His help, we will be obliterated....and we know this! We are not perfect but that doesn't give us the right to use that reason in vain.
What I am perfect in though is Christ. That may sound like a cliche or some "Christian talk" but it's reality. For that I am humbly grateful.
God almighty Great I AM, Who is worthy? None beside Thee.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Could A Mother Leave Her Children?
If You're all You claim to be
Then I'm not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life
Those words are lyrics to a song, You Can Have Me, by Sidewalk Prophets. It is one of my most favorite songs and I listen to it often. Odd... because this morning a young lady driving home from her morning class had that song playing in her car for no particular reason at all. She kept saying how her heart had been heavy recently with the desire to venture out into "the mission field". She has never been on a mission trip and has used pretty much every excuse to not go in the past...money, children, work, time, low confidence or faith. She had even looked into going on a week long short term trip this upcoming summer.
As she drove home, her mind was overflowing with the playbacks of her Sunday morning church service from the previous day. Yes, a lot of good stuff was said that Sunday morning...making disciples of all nations; 11,000 people groups: 6,000 unreached; praying, giving, and going; multiplying leaders and churches; surrendering, abiding...
As she drove home, her mind was overflowing with the playbacks of her Sunday morning church service from the previous day. Yes, a lot of good stuff was said that Sunday morning...making disciples of all nations; 11,000 people groups: 6,000 unreached; praying, giving, and going; multiplying leaders and churches; surrendering, abiding...
Back up. Going? Ok what about going? She kept thinking to herself that there was definitely a place in her heart to go. Yes, she has been wanting to go on a mission trip. Ok, then why do the two wrong words keeping popping up...mid term. It is suppose to be short term. Those are the two correct words, God. Not mid term.
So...as she is driving home and playing You Can Have Me, she is talking to God and asking Him to show her what to do. She is asking Him to please clarify what this whole mid term thing is about because it can't possibly be the sane thing to do. As she is fighting the desire to look into this mid term thing, she is thinking about her situation - especially her kids. This lady is divorced with children. What is she suppose to do, Lord? Leave her children for the summer to go on some "mission trip"?? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? How would that affect her? How would that affect her children? Not to mention other obstacles that totally don't make sense for her to go away for the summer. A bit reactionary and ridiculous if you ask me.
God listens to her patiently and finally decides to chime in once she has to stop speaking long enought to take a breath! His questions were, "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?" Hesitantly and a bit ashamed, her answer was a simple, "I don't know."
He then proceeds since she basically is speechless and obviously isn't going to continue blabbering. This is pretty much the breakdown:
God:
"What else would you do this summer? Sleep late? Stay around the house browsing the internet or Facebook? Watching TV? Work some? Maybe take a class? You're children are already going to be gone half the summer anyway. What exactly in all of that is productive in relation to the Kingdom or the 6,000 unreached people groups?"
Lady:
"Well, I guess I would do all of that stuff, yes. But I could do other stuff, too, like spend time with my kids, maybe spend time with ladies from church, visit family. I don't know, God. That is still months away. Maybe go on a week long mission trip. I don't know."
God:
"All of that stuff is good...church, family, week long mission trips. But those aren't the reasons you are being reluctant. You are content with missing church, family, friends, work, and school in order to possibly leave for the summer. You're scared. And you just don't want to leave your kids. Why?"
Lady:
Not wanting to admit it, she replies with tears in her eyes, "Because they may not miss me."
God:
"So you would rather miss My calling upon you, whatever that is? You're choosing to miss your children or their lack of missing you over missing Me? Do you not remember Luke 14:26-27? "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."
Lady:
"Yes, of course I remember. You've been reminding me! What if I go and am miserable because I get homesick?"
God:
"That's not your home."
Pause..with no words from the lady because she is overwhelmed with emotions.
God:
"You've been singing the words of this song to me...'Father of love, You can have me'... And not only do you sing them to me, you tell them to me throughout your days. So what's the deal? Can I really have you or not? I may or may not have you go away for a summer but that's for Me to decide. You are to just follow."
Lady:
"How do I know that it will even matter?"
God ceases to carry on the conversation at this point with the lady BUT... she received a text message at that time from a friend. Without going into specifics, the message confirmed that it does matter. Overwhelmed, the lady begins to cry and says "Ok, God. You can have me." She clings to the lyrics of that song again:
He then proceeds since she basically is speechless and obviously isn't going to continue blabbering. This is pretty much the breakdown:
God:
"What else would you do this summer? Sleep late? Stay around the house browsing the internet or Facebook? Watching TV? Work some? Maybe take a class? You're children are already going to be gone half the summer anyway. What exactly in all of that is productive in relation to the Kingdom or the 6,000 unreached people groups?"
Lady:
"Well, I guess I would do all of that stuff, yes. But I could do other stuff, too, like spend time with my kids, maybe spend time with ladies from church, visit family. I don't know, God. That is still months away. Maybe go on a week long mission trip. I don't know."
God:
"All of that stuff is good...church, family, week long mission trips. But those aren't the reasons you are being reluctant. You are content with missing church, family, friends, work, and school in order to possibly leave for the summer. You're scared. And you just don't want to leave your kids. Why?"
Lady:
Not wanting to admit it, she replies with tears in her eyes, "Because they may not miss me."
God:
"So you would rather miss My calling upon you, whatever that is? You're choosing to miss your children or their lack of missing you over missing Me? Do you not remember Luke 14:26-27? "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."
Lady:
"Yes, of course I remember. You've been reminding me! What if I go and am miserable because I get homesick?"
God:
"That's not your home."
Pause..with no words from the lady because she is overwhelmed with emotions.
God:
"You've been singing the words of this song to me...'Father of love, You can have me'... And not only do you sing them to me, you tell them to me throughout your days. So what's the deal? Can I really have you or not? I may or may not have you go away for a summer but that's for Me to decide. You are to just follow."
Lady:
"How do I know that it will even matter?"
God ceases to carry on the conversation at this point with the lady BUT... she received a text message at that time from a friend. Without going into specifics, the message confirmed that it does matter. Overwhelmed, the lady begins to cry and says "Ok, God. You can have me." She clings to the lyrics of that song again:
If You're all You claim to be
Then I'm not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life
I know this lady and she constantly has to be reminded that the things of this world are temporary and quite frankly unimportant. Yes, God gives us gifts like family and friends, homes, and even monetary resources to be used to glorify Him, but it all stays here. What is more important to her? The comforts of her life or the life that God would have her life out for Him? She was struck by the line "So I will crawl upon my knees just to know the joy of suffering". Wow. The joy of suffering. Really? Honestly, the thought of being away from her children for weeks upon weeks would bring her to her knees quite often I would imagine but would the cost be worth it? Couldn't she find joy in being a vessel that God was using while away from her children? Wouldn't it be worth it in the long run, the big picture? Aren't we suppose to live a sacrificial life for Christ? To a mother, the thought of being away from her children is heart-breaking but is it a sacrifice? I think so.
1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Hebrews 12:11 For the moment all disciples seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to whose who have been trained by it.
I don't what's in store for this young lady but I do know that she will pursue whatever it is that the Lord is leading her to do. It may not be in God's plan for her to go anywhere at this particular time for this particular summer but she declared to, at minimal, be obedient enough to find out. Should a trip be in her future now or for another time, I think she was reminded that if she loves Christ as she claims, she will follow Him. Trust Him. Believe He is who He claims to be. Reminded that she is totally dependent upon Him for everything. Reminded that daily time with Him is imperative - whether it's heartfelt praises, prayers, singing, or even trying to talk herself out of something she feels Him leading her to do. It's about being real and intimate enough to be honest and vulnerable with the One who loves her most. However, it's really a matter of whether she loves Him most in her life.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Are You Qualified or Called?
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies THE CALLED. Genesis 50:19-21. Random. Do those two sentences even go together? My guess would be...uh...negative. Well, let's just see...Wait...hold up...maybe before I try to figure out how those two thoughts might be intertwined I should first consider why God even put those thoughts on my heart to begin with in the first place.
Thought #1 - God does not call the qualified, He qualifies THE CALLED. This is my screen saver so I see this many times a day, every single day. Why has this been speaking to me the past 24 hours? That part is pretty clear to be honest. As I embark on another journey, I am HUMBLY reminded that this next avenue that God has me on is NOT about me. This is totally and completely about Him, His glory, His purpose - ouch! - oh wow, there's that word, purpose, that's been on my mind recently and leaving me in a restless place....hmmm...ok, refocus...yeah so totally and completely about Him, His glory, His purpose, His work, His healing, His story. I am not on this road because I am equipped to be there. God knows I know that! But in some sort of twisted way I think the enemy of my soul would like for me to believe otherwise. To believe that I am equipped. To believe that I can do this with little help from God because I've been there done that. Of course, the enemy clearly knows that I would fall flat on my face completely dishonoring and belittling my Lord by thinking and doing so. The enemy isn't always so blatantly ugly, loud, or disruptive but rather subtle, quiet, and sneaky. Even to the point of making us feel like we are doing good and honoring our God when in fact we are just doing good for and honoring ourselves, which my friends is called pride and self idolatry.
Interesting. While sitting down to write this post I really thought I knew what I would type out here. I must say it certainly wasn't anything about my pride or my abilities aside from God. Yeah, real funny, God. But as I digress, my random thoughts are being pulled back into the realm of knowing that God doesn't use those who are qualified to do his work. Only one man did that and his name was Jesus. God does however use those who are obedient to his calling; therefore, equipping those with whatever needs are to be met. I mean for crying out loud, the God of the universe created all that exists within it and outside of it and we so often think God can't handle something or can't use something or someone. How ridiculous and immature we are..LOL. Yes, I just put LOL in my blog but I'm sorry, it's funny :) Admittedly I often struggle with wondering why God chooses to waste his time with me but more so I struggle when I see others struggling with wondering why God should choose to use them. To hear words come out of the mouths of women, for instance, who clearly believe they are worthless and unusable completely saddens me and infuriates me at the same time. To have a deep felt compassion for women who are so broken because of the lies and deception being fed into their minds yet having my blood boil because I see the stronghold of the nails of satan digging into that soul completely drives me to spend the rest of my life fighting for the kingdom of God rather than silently sitting back advocating the depths of hell! I believe that if God picks me up and sits me down in a place where I am to share His love, His Word, or His grace, then He will equip me to do so. Bottom line.
Thought #2 - Genesis 50:19-21. This part of scripture says But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. This part of scripture is referring to Joseph speaking to his brothers who had years before sold him into slavery. His brothers feared revenge and bitter feelings from Joseph. Rather, Joseph was loving and gracious. Not only did Joseph have no harsh feelings toward his brothers but he proclaimed the good work of God's hands in all of that was intended for harm and exceeded that by providing for many generations to come. So, this will be quite random with me sorting through this so brace yourselves and try to keep up. First, don't be afraid. Any harm that was intended for me and was given to me has and will be used for God's glory. God has this covered. If I continue with the verse it says "what is being done now". Being done now is present tense. Not past. Not future. Now. Secondly, if I throw in the word accomplish in my dissection of the verses then apparently God is "finishing" or "completing" his work.... in the saving of many lives. The saving of many lives sounds pretty much like that's from a source of good intentions that were met by harmful intentions that were imposed. So basically, why be afraid of anything that happens to us or anything that we may be harboring from our past if we dwell in the place of God??? As my pastor so often says, "He has this thing rigged" so I think God has it covered.
Another point being, why be afraid that we aren't qualified to be a tool that God can use? Let's just be honest and confess that we aren't qualified and must totally and completely rely on Him to provide what we need. The sooner we swallow our pride and admit we are more than insufficient and wholly dependent on God then we could move along much faster with God's plan for us rather than wandering in the wilderness for 40 years but that's another blog!
Oh my grapes it is my desire to see women rise up from the ashes of self absorbed feminism and entitlement to the feet of Christ. Sound odd? Wondering how in the world do you rise up to feet that are standing on the ground? You rise up from that pit and fall on your face where those feet are waiting that's how. The one and only God who breathed life into every existence can certainly use someone's sin to glorify himself. In fact, it's probably pretty simple and a no brainer. This isn't a chess match we're playing with God and putting bets on who will have check mate in the end. He will. Regardless.
It is my prayer that women will fall back to the Lord with humility and submission. To not hold on so tightly to the lies but rather cling to the truth that sits there waiting to be grasped. Women are special and have tremendous influence over all others - children, men, and yes other women. I have experienced that influence through women that God chose to put in my life as an answered prayer and according to His will. Thank God this time it was positive godly influences that gave me hope that women can in fact be capable, supportive, accountable, and submissive while all along revealing to me that it is those qualities that make them strong and successful. And quite honestly in my opinion, much more strong and successful than any high powered, ladder climbing executive, bread winning woman who lives a life apart from God.
I have seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears the fruit bore and spoken through a broken, feeble, deceived, full of despair woman who by the grace of God was raised up by His hands to glorify Him with her junk through her clinging faith in Him. And might I add that He even gave this woman her first dance one special evening to this song...
Thought #1 - God does not call the qualified, He qualifies THE CALLED. This is my screen saver so I see this many times a day, every single day. Why has this been speaking to me the past 24 hours? That part is pretty clear to be honest. As I embark on another journey, I am HUMBLY reminded that this next avenue that God has me on is NOT about me. This is totally and completely about Him, His glory, His purpose - ouch! - oh wow, there's that word, purpose, that's been on my mind recently and leaving me in a restless place....hmmm...ok, refocus...yeah so totally and completely about Him, His glory, His purpose, His work, His healing, His story. I am not on this road because I am equipped to be there. God knows I know that! But in some sort of twisted way I think the enemy of my soul would like for me to believe otherwise. To believe that I am equipped. To believe that I can do this with little help from God because I've been there done that. Of course, the enemy clearly knows that I would fall flat on my face completely dishonoring and belittling my Lord by thinking and doing so. The enemy isn't always so blatantly ugly, loud, or disruptive but rather subtle, quiet, and sneaky. Even to the point of making us feel like we are doing good and honoring our God when in fact we are just doing good for and honoring ourselves, which my friends is called pride and self idolatry.
Interesting. While sitting down to write this post I really thought I knew what I would type out here. I must say it certainly wasn't anything about my pride or my abilities aside from God. Yeah, real funny, God. But as I digress, my random thoughts are being pulled back into the realm of knowing that God doesn't use those who are qualified to do his work. Only one man did that and his name was Jesus. God does however use those who are obedient to his calling; therefore, equipping those with whatever needs are to be met. I mean for crying out loud, the God of the universe created all that exists within it and outside of it and we so often think God can't handle something or can't use something or someone. How ridiculous and immature we are..LOL. Yes, I just put LOL in my blog but I'm sorry, it's funny :) Admittedly I often struggle with wondering why God chooses to waste his time with me but more so I struggle when I see others struggling with wondering why God should choose to use them. To hear words come out of the mouths of women, for instance, who clearly believe they are worthless and unusable completely saddens me and infuriates me at the same time. To have a deep felt compassion for women who are so broken because of the lies and deception being fed into their minds yet having my blood boil because I see the stronghold of the nails of satan digging into that soul completely drives me to spend the rest of my life fighting for the kingdom of God rather than silently sitting back advocating the depths of hell! I believe that if God picks me up and sits me down in a place where I am to share His love, His Word, or His grace, then He will equip me to do so. Bottom line.
Thought #2 - Genesis 50:19-21. This part of scripture says But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. This part of scripture is referring to Joseph speaking to his brothers who had years before sold him into slavery. His brothers feared revenge and bitter feelings from Joseph. Rather, Joseph was loving and gracious. Not only did Joseph have no harsh feelings toward his brothers but he proclaimed the good work of God's hands in all of that was intended for harm and exceeded that by providing for many generations to come. So, this will be quite random with me sorting through this so brace yourselves and try to keep up. First, don't be afraid. Any harm that was intended for me and was given to me has and will be used for God's glory. God has this covered. If I continue with the verse it says "what is being done now". Being done now is present tense. Not past. Not future. Now. Secondly, if I throw in the word accomplish in my dissection of the verses then apparently God is "finishing" or "completing" his work.... in the saving of many lives. The saving of many lives sounds pretty much like that's from a source of good intentions that were met by harmful intentions that were imposed. So basically, why be afraid of anything that happens to us or anything that we may be harboring from our past if we dwell in the place of God??? As my pastor so often says, "He has this thing rigged" so I think God has it covered.
Another point being, why be afraid that we aren't qualified to be a tool that God can use? Let's just be honest and confess that we aren't qualified and must totally and completely rely on Him to provide what we need. The sooner we swallow our pride and admit we are more than insufficient and wholly dependent on God then we could move along much faster with God's plan for us rather than wandering in the wilderness for 40 years but that's another blog!
Oh my grapes it is my desire to see women rise up from the ashes of self absorbed feminism and entitlement to the feet of Christ. Sound odd? Wondering how in the world do you rise up to feet that are standing on the ground? You rise up from that pit and fall on your face where those feet are waiting that's how. The one and only God who breathed life into every existence can certainly use someone's sin to glorify himself. In fact, it's probably pretty simple and a no brainer. This isn't a chess match we're playing with God and putting bets on who will have check mate in the end. He will. Regardless.
It is my prayer that women will fall back to the Lord with humility and submission. To not hold on so tightly to the lies but rather cling to the truth that sits there waiting to be grasped. Women are special and have tremendous influence over all others - children, men, and yes other women. I have experienced that influence through women that God chose to put in my life as an answered prayer and according to His will. Thank God this time it was positive godly influences that gave me hope that women can in fact be capable, supportive, accountable, and submissive while all along revealing to me that it is those qualities that make them strong and successful. And quite honestly in my opinion, much more strong and successful than any high powered, ladder climbing executive, bread winning woman who lives a life apart from God.
I have seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears the fruit bore and spoken through a broken, feeble, deceived, full of despair woman who by the grace of God was raised up by His hands to glorify Him with her junk through her clinging faith in Him. And might I add that He even gave this woman her first dance one special evening to this song...
Monday, December 10, 2012
Tis The Season To Be Jolly...Oh And A Little Bit Of Annoyance
Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
Luke 2:9-12
An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.
I was, and still am, saddened by something I read this morning by a friend of mine. This person mentioned hating this time of year because of the rain, cold, and having no money to spend on Christmas. My initial reaction was a somber "Wow". I immediately went into my thought process of wondering how someone, anyone, could feel that way about Christmastime. Then I was quickly reminded by God that it wasn't very long ago that I felt that exact same way. So...it made me think....
My flesh constantly looks at our society as a whole, myself included in that society, and gets frustrated at how we have let ourselves get to the point of being so selfish, self-indulgent, entitled, and continue to walk away from the only good thing that we have EVER been given. Christ. I can feel myself wanting to go in a million different directions with that statement but I'll try to keep this on point which is what should be the obvious and blatant point of this time of year. Our society has turned Christmas into a hectic, over the top, debt filled excuse to praise our God that we don't even serve or honor! Or dare I say believe in! Are we such an arrogant people that we so enjoy the benefits of oh let's see....having time off work, getting presents, being bound and determined to make sure those "sweet and fun" little make believe elves come into our homes to only destroy things, and let's not forget the most important benefit....Santa Claus. We even justify Santa Claus by trying to somehow weave the story of St. Nick in there somewhere that, let's be honest, we just googled ourselves to find out the story. It's all just ridiculous. Point. Blank. Ridiculous.
I don't mean to sound judgmental because that is not my intent. I do mean, however, to sound saddened, bothered, and a bit disgusted by the whole deal. And I was right along in there with all of that just a few short years ago so I certainly have no place to judge anyone. It is just craziness to make ourselves worn out and misguided by succumbing to the new worldly views and acceptances of Christmas. This should be a time of year where we look forward to celebrating the birth of a baby boy. A baby named Immanuel. A time of year where we look forward to spending extra time with our family. A time of year where we give gifts because we want to celebrate the birth of Christ, not because we feel obligated. A perfect time of year where we have the opportunity to show our children and remind ourselves what really matters in our lifetime. And we so often even joke about how we spend so much money on our children for Christmas only to have it broken within 2 weeks or how the newness has worn off and the things we bought just sit collecting dust only to eventually be put in a garbage bag or brown box to be given to Hannah Home, Kings Ranch, or some other kind of charity because those things are no longer useful to us or they clutter our homes. Yet we do the same thing year after year after year and joke about it again year after year after year. We drown ourselves in debt and materialism only to turn around and throw them away or give them to "someone less fortunate". How backwards is that??!! Does it not occur to us to spend some of that overindulgence on those less fortunate before it became useless to us. Are we so far removed from the needy that we think they only deserve our hand me downs or what we don't want anymore? Ok...pause. I'm getting off track and heading towards a different soap box....
I'm sorry but Christmas is not about anything else except a baby named Jesus. Had that baby not been born then all of this other sacrificial junk may actually make some sense. But He was born. And He was born for a reason.
Galatians 4:4-5 But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.
Most people know the verse John 3:16 which says For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. However, most don't know the next verse John 3:17 which says For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through him.
Did you get that? ....but to save the world through him. To save the world. Jesus wasn't born to bring peace - as He even said himself in Matthew 10:34 Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. He wasn't born to be used as a legalistic practice. He wasn't born to make us feel better about ourselves. He was born as a scapegoat! And we seriously show our love and adoration for that scapegoat by dipping and drenching his birth in greed and Santa ClausISM??? Then get this....we actually justify that way of thinking because we say "They're just kids. It's ok. They'll out grow Santa Claus. It's fun for now." We put so much force and effort into something and/or someone that doesn't even exist because it's fun yet we can't seem to put any push or drive behind the someone or something - like the birth - that totally exists!
How many of us even mention Jesus during Christmas? Is that even an occurrence? How many of us only mention Him on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning after we've opened our presents and had our time. How many of us only mention Him when we go to that "special service" at church on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning because that's just what you do at Christmas? If He is mentioned only in those scenarios, it is hardly recognizing the Son Of God in the honor He deserves. It is mentioning about a man that once lived a long time ago named Jesus.
I pray that we become a people who know and love Jesus. I pray that we don't become so self absorbed in the rainy cold weather and how our pockets and perceptions are going to be affected by spending money that we do or don't have. I pray we don't hate Christmas or see it as an inconvenient time. I sit here and try to look at this from a mother's point of view. How would I feel if when either of my two sons were born and came into this world that everyone around me disregarded them? Made light of them. Didn't see them as the gift that I saw them. Or quite frankly really didn't care on any level about them. Hurt is the word that comes to mind. That's not to mention looking at that in an unfathomable way to where one of my two boys were brought here to this earth for the purpose to be sacrificed for those exact people who disregard them. Hurt. Certainly not that God needs our understanding, love, or attention but I can't imagine how He feels.
I in no way want to demean anyone's intention on how he or she celebrates but when everything else surrounding Christmas is put on the front eyes and He is left to sit on the back burner it is disturbing to me. It is disheartening to see what Christmas has become. It is even more disheartening to think about the fact that unless some radical changes are made within our hearts and our homes that it will only continue to lead farther away from it's intent. Jesus. A sticky, messy Jesus.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Does God Call You By Name?
I want to start off this post with this 4 minute video on Grace. Please watch before reading any further.
Ok, so I have a feeling this is going to be a long and random post since I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind and my heart that it will be hard to keep it composed. But hey, that's my style anyway right?? ...random and un-composed and raw.
So obvious to me, my heart has been elsewhere this past week. I was burdened with the men's Discovery Weekend these past several days. Firstly because my boyfriend, (yes I said it..boyfriend..I know crazy! And I know who you all are who are thinking it because I vowed to you that never again would I but I digress..haha) was a participant. But as the weekend approached and Thursday came along, it brought back so many feelings and memories. I found myself re-living the days down to the hour because I remember being there, prepping, praying, and trusting God that He would have me be the tool He saw fit. Throughout the weekend, I had mixed emotions from the time on my women's weekends from being a participant to a team member to knowing exactly what my boyfriend was experiencing. I must admit it was nice but different being on the other side this time. I love that weekend no matter where it falls throughout the year. I love that ministry and I love the people who support it and make it was it is. I love that I get to continue to experience the hearts of Marty and Holly Erwin and see their unexplainable and indescribable love for men and women and most importantly for glorifying the Lord down to the tee. It is a blessing and gift from God that He somewhere along the way placed me in the path of that couple and their ministry.
As I was talking to my boyfriend about his weekend, I asked him if he kept his coffee mug that says 36 Hours. As he answered he told me that as he was staring at the mug during his weekend, it was then that he realized the correlation between that and the title of my blog. I intentionally named this blog The 37th Hour on the heels of my first Discovery Weekend. My intent was to remind and ask myself "What's next", "What's the next chapter", "What are you going to do now", "Will your next steps be for yourself or for the glory of God"? I still have to ask myself those questions constantly.
So why do I still struggle with things that I believe God ordains for me? It use to be shame, guilt, unworthiness, and so on. But I really feel like those aren't the reasons anymore and haven't been for some time. It's my lack of acceptance of His grace that I struggle with more than I even realize. Grace from God I can not comprehend. As I watched the above video, I began crying when I realized what Jesus' character was repeatedly asking Peter's character. I have never looked at Mark 16:7 that way...
But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'
By the authority under God, the angel told Mary to go tell the disciples and Peter the news. Peter was set aside. Why? Because of anything righteous that he had done before and because he loved Jesus more than the others? Because he was more equipped than the others? As I recall, Peter denied Jesus 3 times basically hours before this angel told the women to find the disciples and Peter. Doesn't sound very righteous or more loving to me. More equipped? Wasn't Peter pretty much a hot head and spoke often without thinking? He set aside Peter out of grace. Simple as that. Grace. There is no other reason and no other reason quite frankly makes sense. To side note here, many were used by God who didn't seem to fit the job. For example, I have this reminder as my screen saver..
As noted in the image, God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the CALLED! There is a reason I have had this as my screen saver in order to see it every day. God called out Peter by His grace and because He saw fit to do so and would qualify who He chose to use as His tool. Peter didn't deserve to be set aside and favored and called out by name. But he was. And so am I. God has chosen to call me by name aloud. He has chosen to use Lisa. He will continue to use me, Lisa, as long as He desires. Does that mean I am deserving? Haha! I laugh aloud. No! I am in a lot of ways like Peter. I've been known to have a hot head, temper, and quite often say exactly how I feel to who I want in any way that I want. I'm not so much that person anymore but I do struggle with those personality traits at times. Just because God chooses to use us doesn't mean we finally have it figured out or have become righteous or perfect in our ways. It's His grace. Another side note....as I was writing to my boyfriend earlier this morning about some of my struggles I've been having, I was listening to a Jim Brickman song and went to change it and realized it was a song from his album title Grace. Just sayin'... :) Then God leads me to two videos, one on Baggage and one on Grace. Again, just sayin'... :)
So what does The 37th Hour mean for me? To live according to God's calling upon my life. To embrace that God calls me by name. To continue to see and accept the vision God gave me 4 months ago when I, for the first time, saw myself dancing with Him to the song Beautiful You when I left Marty and Holly Erwin's house.
I have to rest assured that I can do nothing to gain God's grace or favor. I know this and yet I still listen to the enemy and wonder if I still try so hard sometimes without even realizing it. Or maybe, just for once, I can admit and accept that I actually do want to live my life pleasing God and seeking His will. Maybe I do get on fire for the Lord and enjoy serving Him and glow when I'm in the midst of His work. Maybe I long to be used by Him not because I need to feel His acceptance but because I want what He wants and desire what He desires. And that's ok and that's good. Even when I am weak!
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power works best in weakness". Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
God laid this song on my heart last week and I have not stopped listening to it...
Monday, October 29, 2012
What Are You Doing, God???
I sit here in complete awe of God. I don't really know where to start yet I have so much that just wants to spill out from my lips. A couple of posts ago I wrote about my spiritual warfare that I had walked through immediately following my Discovery Weekend. Well, let me tell you that since that day God decided to show off in only ways that He can.
Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I have lived most of my life pitifully to say the least. Each time I tried to bring myself out of my mess I always seemed to fall back into it even deeper. I struggled for so many years with shame, guilt, and unforgiveness with myself. In recent years, I have overcome those struggles, however decided to hold on to the consequences of my life choices. THAT is what I have been dealing with these past few years - the consequences. I totally agree and believe that we all should deal with the aftermath of our choices and some of those consequences will be lifelong. That is what I have been accepting. I knew God forgave me, loved me, and even had a plan for me. I believed I would be able to move forward from my past but maybe not so much with my future. It would at least be better than the past 15-20 years right? I was content with it.
During my 12 week process of getting ready for Discovery, God kept telling me "Be still. Be quiet. Just listen for Me. You come to me with your words, your cries, and your prayers but you then don't listen for My response." Psalm 46:10 had been laid on my heart. So I did....or at least tried. Again -if you know me then you know this was a task for me to just sit back, relax, and be patient! Being still allowed me to focus on Him more than I ever had before and took me to places I never knew existed with Him. Satan pounded on me for it. That month after Discovery reminded me of what I didn't want to go back to in that I was allowing satan to control my mind and my heart with lies, deception, and unworthiness. I kept thinking about the words of Paul in Romans 7:15...I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. I was so frustrated and angry that I was going back to that place but I must admit that I fought it harder than I had ever done so before in my life. I didn't fight it perfectly, in fact I did miserably, but I did fight it. This time I chose to go to war not alone and finally confided in a couple of my girlfriends who prayed for me. We were all fighting it together and God heard our cries.
I was standing there facing the road that I had been down so many times and God turned me around before I fell into the ruts along that road. But this time has been different. Not only has He led me out, He has chosen to bless me beyond measure as my cup continues to overflow. God has told me that I don't have to be content with a mediocre life. He has more for me than forgiveness and grace - which by the way is WAY more than I even deserve and it's not like that isn't enough already! No, He has decided to provide for my boys and I in ways I never imagined. He continues to fill my life with the most godly individuals on this side. To actually be able to say that is beyond measure and blessing. God has provided a new home and life for the boys and I that honestly should NOT be happening at this moment. Everything on paper says no but God says yes! If God is for us, who shall be against us?? - Romans 8:31. I, in so many ways, needed to constantly be reminded of that because throughout this whole process that I call the past 5 months, I knew God was doing something. I knew it. It scared me but I knew it. I knew this house and the move was exactly where God wanted us. Yet I still doubted the means by which it would happen. I was afraid I was having too much faith and that it would backfire on me. Again for the 3rd time, if you know me well, you know that I prepare for the worst. I prepare for failure. I prepare to not be surprised or caught off guard. That way I wouldn't be disappointed. Ironically, I was all the while preparing for disappointment.
God has revealed to me that He loves me and has a plan for me and my children. I certainly don't believe that earthly blessings are a sign of righteousness or faith so I don't want to come across as praising God for my friends and my new home as proof of that. I believe God wanted me to see firsthand and for the first time in my life, that He will give so much more than I give Him and He will do it when it seems impossible or out of timing. This is the Gospel! This is God pursing me! He has reminded me that I don't call my life, He does. I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 that is taped on the front of my computer.."For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Friends, homes, and finances seem to be belittled these days in the recognition that it all comes from Him. We take these things for granted and look at them as if they are something we have gained ourselves. But when God places these people and things in our life when it doesn't make sense to have them placed there based on timing or whatever other circumstance, it is even more proof of His sovereignty and majesty.
As I started my day this morning, I spent it in tears. I was so overwhelmed with everything God was doing and where He had brought me today. I cried in joy and awe at who He is. As I sat in my car at work this morning I thought, "How am I suppose to walk inside like this?" My "repeat song of the day" has been In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes. Mandi must be one of the most talented and beautiful song writers and singers that I have ever heard. She attends my church and I am blessed to hear her music. The lyrics are about wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything around us seems dark and sorrowful. Although, I have looked at this song today as wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything is alive and joyful. I sound like a broken record but God has blessed me beyond measure and with that has come an intimacy with Him. He allows my cup to runeth over but even still I choose to long to be in His arms. Nothing on this earth compares to His presence. While I am over-joyed at what God is doing in my life it doesn't compare to seeing His face on that day and seeing His arms held out for me!
Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I have lived most of my life pitifully to say the least. Each time I tried to bring myself out of my mess I always seemed to fall back into it even deeper. I struggled for so many years with shame, guilt, and unforgiveness with myself. In recent years, I have overcome those struggles, however decided to hold on to the consequences of my life choices. THAT is what I have been dealing with these past few years - the consequences. I totally agree and believe that we all should deal with the aftermath of our choices and some of those consequences will be lifelong. That is what I have been accepting. I knew God forgave me, loved me, and even had a plan for me. I believed I would be able to move forward from my past but maybe not so much with my future. It would at least be better than the past 15-20 years right? I was content with it.
During my 12 week process of getting ready for Discovery, God kept telling me "Be still. Be quiet. Just listen for Me. You come to me with your words, your cries, and your prayers but you then don't listen for My response." Psalm 46:10 had been laid on my heart. So I did....or at least tried. Again -if you know me then you know this was a task for me to just sit back, relax, and be patient! Being still allowed me to focus on Him more than I ever had before and took me to places I never knew existed with Him. Satan pounded on me for it. That month after Discovery reminded me of what I didn't want to go back to in that I was allowing satan to control my mind and my heart with lies, deception, and unworthiness. I kept thinking about the words of Paul in Romans 7:15...I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. I was so frustrated and angry that I was going back to that place but I must admit that I fought it harder than I had ever done so before in my life. I didn't fight it perfectly, in fact I did miserably, but I did fight it. This time I chose to go to war not alone and finally confided in a couple of my girlfriends who prayed for me. We were all fighting it together and God heard our cries.
I was standing there facing the road that I had been down so many times and God turned me around before I fell into the ruts along that road. But this time has been different. Not only has He led me out, He has chosen to bless me beyond measure as my cup continues to overflow. God has told me that I don't have to be content with a mediocre life. He has more for me than forgiveness and grace - which by the way is WAY more than I even deserve and it's not like that isn't enough already! No, He has decided to provide for my boys and I in ways I never imagined. He continues to fill my life with the most godly individuals on this side. To actually be able to say that is beyond measure and blessing. God has provided a new home and life for the boys and I that honestly should NOT be happening at this moment. Everything on paper says no but God says yes! If God is for us, who shall be against us?? - Romans 8:31. I, in so many ways, needed to constantly be reminded of that because throughout this whole process that I call the past 5 months, I knew God was doing something. I knew it. It scared me but I knew it. I knew this house and the move was exactly where God wanted us. Yet I still doubted the means by which it would happen. I was afraid I was having too much faith and that it would backfire on me. Again for the 3rd time, if you know me well, you know that I prepare for the worst. I prepare for failure. I prepare to not be surprised or caught off guard. That way I wouldn't be disappointed. Ironically, I was all the while preparing for disappointment.
God has revealed to me that He loves me and has a plan for me and my children. I certainly don't believe that earthly blessings are a sign of righteousness or faith so I don't want to come across as praising God for my friends and my new home as proof of that. I believe God wanted me to see firsthand and for the first time in my life, that He will give so much more than I give Him and He will do it when it seems impossible or out of timing. This is the Gospel! This is God pursing me! He has reminded me that I don't call my life, He does. I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 that is taped on the front of my computer.."For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Friends, homes, and finances seem to be belittled these days in the recognition that it all comes from Him. We take these things for granted and look at them as if they are something we have gained ourselves. But when God places these people and things in our life when it doesn't make sense to have them placed there based on timing or whatever other circumstance, it is even more proof of His sovereignty and majesty.
As I started my day this morning, I spent it in tears. I was so overwhelmed with everything God was doing and where He had brought me today. I cried in joy and awe at who He is. As I sat in my car at work this morning I thought, "How am I suppose to walk inside like this?" My "repeat song of the day" has been In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes. Mandi must be one of the most talented and beautiful song writers and singers that I have ever heard. She attends my church and I am blessed to hear her music. The lyrics are about wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything around us seems dark and sorrowful. Although, I have looked at this song today as wanting to be in the arms of Christ when everything is alive and joyful. I sound like a broken record but God has blessed me beyond measure and with that has come an intimacy with Him. He allows my cup to runeth over but even still I choose to long to be in His arms. Nothing on this earth compares to His presence. While I am over-joyed at what God is doing in my life it doesn't compare to seeing His face on that day and seeing His arms held out for me!
Video to In Your Arms by Mandi Mapes
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